An Innocent Bystander

[lolscourge]

False Innocence

It is abundant in those that don't know
The tears and the pain that are put onto show
By the courtesans mistress, who's whore guiding hand
puts young girls to work on the sick and the damned.

Working the nights to pay for her keep,
Small Abigail Withers walks cold down the street
Looking for someone to sell herself to
When then, a person, who looks just like to you

It must be? It is! It's yourself I describe,
You walk on right past her, not batting an eye
Oh poor Abigail - so scared and so tired,
She's hurting herself to feed other's desires.

Being ravaged by cruelty, torn up and used
Abi is beaten, broken and bruised
Whilst you bounce along to this beat in your head
Abigail Withers is probably dead.

It is abundant in those that don't know
The tears and pain that are forced onto show
By the courtesans mistress, and by your selfish hand
That lets young girls work on the sick and the damned.

[Delta40]

I personally don't see the bystander effect at all in the poem and the meter is out. I recommend a re-write of this poem because to me it is obvious that you want to make a powerful statement in your writing but are limited by meter and rhyme here which shape the poem and therefore diminish its potential. Have you considered ditching these two elements?

[lolscourge]

I personally don't see the bystander effect at all in the poem and the meter is out. I recommend a re-write of this poem because to me it is obvious that you want to make a powerful statement in your writing but are limited by meter and rhyme here which shape the poem and therefore diminish its potential. Have you considered ditching these two elements?

The meter and rhyme I want to keep. I wanted an upbeat tune and almost Dr. Seuss feel implemented, to mock the reader and make the darker read awkward -e.g. "whilst you bounce along to a tune in your head, Abigail now is probably dead".

The title is rubbish, I'd ignore it - it was something I totally forgot about until I went to post it. I never intended to implement a bystander effect, the idea was/is that people bystanding atrocities and acting innocent was why these things continue to exist.

Reading it all through in my head again, I do need to tweak bits for the meter, but it and the rhyme are a feature of the poem.

e: I feel I've corrected the meter, and I'm happier with what I've got down. The title has been changed too, to emphasize the point to the poem.

[cafolini]

I don't see a problem with those pretty ladies if there were no pimps to mistreat them and no fanatics to kill them for what they are doing. I take the most important feminist position. On an average women make 70% of what a man makes. This does not even tell the whole story, because the average does not reveal the fate of many women who don't even get to half that. Abigail would most likely not be doing what she does if she could make a good living otherwise. It's a woman's choice. I'll go with the feminist argument, although there might be exceptions.

[lolscourge]

I don't see a problem with those pretty ladies if there were no pimps to mistreat them and no fanatics to kill them for what they are doing.

I wouldn't either under the scenario that it was a choice.

Unfortunately, that's not often the case, and it's something they're forced into, whether it be from debt, or lack of education, or whatever. The fact is, pimps and fanatics exist, and it makes the life of a prostitute dangerous and more often than not, unwanted.

I take the most important feminist position. On an average women make 70% of what a man makes. This does not even tell the whole story, because the average does not reveal the fate of many women who don't even get to half that.

Totally agree, the gender barrier in terms of payment is totally out of line.

Abigail would most likely not be doing what she does if she could make a good living otherwise. It's a woman's choice. I'll go with the feminist argument, although there might be exceptions.

I disagree. I think most girls wouldn't sell themselves if they didn't have to, even on a smaller pay-check. If they would, then fine, whatever, fair play to them, they're not what this poem is about - however, if the gender barrier in payment is so massive that it's forcing them into prostitution, then I don't think that's a choice any more, and that they need help from other people.
I see where you're coming from, but you can't make the assumption that most prostitutes want to be prostitutes because of the pay difference between men and women. That's a silly assumption.

[Eiseabhal]

Is that PC Abigail Withers? Yup! I 'd walk right by her!

[Jerrybaldy]

I maybe have read too much Hill, but the strict rhyme can only ever force your hand. It is a small chance that what you want to say next is not diluted somehow in the need to match the sound. It becomes pleasing to the ear that way but maybe loses its escence as an account. This is a never ending debate, but what the hell.

[lolscourge]

I maybe have read too much Hill, but the strict rhyme can only ever force your hand. It is a small chance that what you want to say next is not diluted somehow in the need to match the sound. It becomes pleasing to the ear that way but maybe loses its escence as an account. This is a never ending debate, but what the hell.

I am aware of that my forced use of rhyme has limited my language, but I feel the ironic impact it gives trumps it. I am not one to always force rhymes in my poems; take Pot Ventriloquism (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?72423-Pot-Ventriloquism), for example. I understand that poetry does not always need rhyme.