Sleeping city

[Anomandaris]

The city sleeps in the silent absence of sun
Of disloyal night – loyal son.
Homeless and lone I keep walking on
And the rain keeps pouring on, and on ,and on…
By the black walls they sound,
Steps are echoing in a cadence
After me, out of sight, but I sense
the grieves of past days how in me resound.

She came – a child – with ember awaken,
Her beauty, her youth were in their prime,
But wanting something that would last trough time
Her earthly gift I had forsaken.
Past- ah, it lye
In freezing sorrows – dead sea
And from there she sends to me
Her mourn : why, why?

[Delta40]

This started off quite well but as you progressed it became more driven by end rhyme and I sensed it lost meaning - especially in the second stanza. A rewrite where you're sticking to thought association rather than rhyme would make for a much more impressive piece

[Bar22do]

To me, it reads almost like two separate pieces...???? and I too was distracted by end rhymes. Why was the night disloyal? "freezing sorrows" and "dead sea" don't really go together, since the Dead Sea (or as accepted locally the Sea of Salt")is one of the hottest spots in the area!

[Anomandaris]

Why was the night disloyal? "freezing sorrows" and "dead sea" don't really go together, since the Dead Sea (or as accepted locally the Sea of Salt")is one of the hottest spots in the area!

Ok, so the first question - the night is disloyal because normally the weak and fragile creatures find refuge in it, but in this peace it betrayes the person, not giving him hideout. And about your second point , it is not about the Dead Sea,but about the sorrows - so many of them have befallen the main character that his heart is now a frozen dead sea, where emotions do not dwell anymore.

But anyway I want to thank you both for your reccomendations, I will think it over and post the edited work as soon as it is ready.

[Bar22do]

I see and hope the spring come to the character's heart soon!