Contrived Writing

[miyako73]

When or how can you say a piece of writing is contrived?


"Outside, Spring that year revealed its full bloom, spreading the potpourri of scents that sweetened the rolling breeze and perfumed the gusts of whistling wind blowing at sporadic intervals. The white swans, lithe and agile, must have floated on the ponds and gracefully glissaded around the pink water lilies, like light, petite ballerinas in their grand pas de deux. I lived on Tremont Street, a walking distance to the Public Garden. When I had nothing to do and had time to spare, I would spend my lazy afternoons rambling around the botanical park and would only stop when I found an umbrageous tree. I would sit on its peeking root and lean my back on its trunk or lie down under its shade until the dusky gray of five o’clock suffused the landscape. Inside the apartment, as calm and idle as the winter-ravaged tree solitary and leafless by the main entrance of the Boston Common, my body remained on the floor almost lifeless if not of my faint sighs and slow breathing."


Is it contrived? Thank you very much.

[Drkshadow03]

When or how can you say a piece of writing is contrived?


"Outside, Spring that year revealed its full bloom, spreading the potpourri of scents that sweetened the rolling breeze and perfumed the tamed gusts of whistling wind blowing at sporadic intervals. The white swans, lithe and agile, must have floated on the ponds and gracefully glissaded around the pink water lilies, like light, petite ballerinas in their grand pas de deux. I lived on Tremont Street, a walking distance to the Public Garden. When I had nothing to do and had time to spare, I would spend my lazy afternoons rambling around the botanical park and would only stop when I found an umbrageous tree. I would sit on its peeking root and lean my back on its trunk or lie down under its shade until the dusky gray of five o’clock suffused the landscape. Inside the apartment, as calm and idle as the winter-ravaged tree solitary and leafless by the main entrance of the Boston Common, my body remained on the floor almost lifeless if not of my faint sighs and slow breaths."


Is it contrived? Thank you very much.

I would say the quoted piece is contrived. It's bad writing trying to imitate good writing. The sentences are very busy. There is too much going on in a single sentence. Too many adjectives, too many verbs, and sometimes bizarre verb choices. We talk about spring, then ponds (without any scene or POV setup, so we have no character to orient us), then a first person POV who is recalling his habits appears, but not actively participating in the story yet, then a random jolt into current time in which he is inside his apartment almost lifeless. The paragraph has no real logical structure. One sentence doesn't necessarily lead into the next sentence.

[miyako73]

Dark, that's not a full story. I lifted that in one of the stories I have been writing. "Contrived writing", I think, is about writing style. What I want to know is: when is a style of writing contrived or not contrived? Does using too many adjectives, adverbs, and verbs make it contrived? Does writing in complex or compound sentences make it contrived? Is it the tone or the voice that makes it? Or is it up to the reading of its reader?

[cacian]

How do you mean by contrived?
One writes the way they do I mean. Contrived is beside the point. I think it is down to the writer and his or her feelings about it.
What is contrived is those who think it is.

[Delta40]

The first sentence has a much less natural flow than the others which become more tempered as you progress. Because of this, the first sentence may seem more contrived than if you had remained consistent and yes, perhaps the reader is the judge of whether they like this style of writing or not but as your example highlights a spectrum, it prompts one to leap to the conclusion that perhaps overloaded sentences can result in a forced flow more than anything else.

I hope this helps

[hillwalker]

Contrived writing is when the reader sees only the writing - or realises the writer is trying too hard to appear to be a writer. If the author's style intrudes on the story then it's contrived - good or bad.

H

[blazeofglory]

This reminds me of James Joyce. Is not his writing contrived when he profusely use puzzles and enigmas? When he could say things in simple sentences using easy and comprehensible words. When arrogance grips on the writer he takes to sophistication to endorse his or her vainglory. I think Joyce seems bordering on that

[manuscript]

Joyce could not have said what he wanted to say in simple words, because using complete language in all its complexity communicates something that using simple language cant. for that matter, using clear and simple language also communicates something that using complex language cant. there is no escape.

[blazeofglory]

That is where skills come in. Skill is demanded of a writer when he has to express complex ideas to make it comprehensible to his readers. If he uses difficult words and complex sentences to bury meaning few can find the book readable, though a few critic from their distant heights keep on commending them

[cacian]

Joyce could not have said what he wanted to say in simple words, because using complete language in all its complexity communicates something that using simple language cant. for that matter, using clear and simple language also communicates something that using complex language cant. there is no escape.

It is interesting you mention simple language.
Sometimes the mind is so intricate and wrapped in ways and routine so far gone with the entanglement of the dark and complex, that even the simplest of sentences won't untangle it and make it appreciate simplicity for what it is.
If the mind is used to complex thinking and reading, Dante and Joyce comes to mind, then simplicity does not stand a chance.
The human mind is a like a machine when it gets used to something it is very difficult to undo.

[manuscript]

That is where skills come in. Skill is demanded of a writer when he has to express complex ideas to make it comprehensible to his readers. If he uses difficult words and complex sentences to bury meaning few can find the book readable, though a few critic from their distant heights keep on commending them

what if the writer wants to deal with the idea that language is itself a complex system that does not simply get at a separate world of ideas but is actually our only way of constructing ideas? can the writer then still use language in a naive way to get at this world of ideas which is believed to be no longer separate but bound up in language? or should the writer treat language as something complex and difficult and fraught with histories and ideas of its own that have nothing to do with whatever we might attempt to communicate?

what you are saying is like saying that an ode by John Keats could communicate the same things if it did not rhyme. the fact that it does rhyme communicates meanings that would not be possible if it did not rhyme. what would be the point for Keats of abandoning rhyme simply because it is difficult for other people to understand why he chose to form those particular rhymes? that would be wrong! he should be true to the meanings that he can create with his language! he is giving more meaning to the world. it is sad if some people cannot appreciate the beauty of his odes! but what can he do about that? he is only a writer, he is not in charge of the education of every boy and girl! im sure Keats would love everyone to understand beauty as he understands it. he must just hope that they keep learning and keep reading.


It is interesting you mention simple language.
Sometimes the mind is so intricate and wrapped in ways and routine so far gone with the entanglement of the dark and complex, that even the simplest of sentences won't untangle it and make it appreciate simplicity for what it is.
If the mind is used to complex thinking and reading, Dante and Joyce comes to mind, then simplicity does not stand a chance.
The human mind is a like a machine when it gets used to something it is very difficult to undo.

i like those thoughts you wrote and agree with you.

[Pierre Menard]

This reminds me of James Joyce. Is not his writing contrived when he profusely use puzzles and enigmas? When he could say things in simple sentences using easy and comprehensible words. When arrogance grips on the writer he takes to sophistication to endorse his or her vainglory. I think Joyce seems bordering on that


Literature would be pretty boring if everyone were to write the same way. There's a time for simple sentences, there's a time for complex sentences, there's a time for puzzles and a time for simple plot. It's how well you do these things once you've chosen to do them that counts.

[blazeofglory]

In fact rhyming a poem does not make it always intricate though sometimes it does. Keats is interesting and James is intricate. I do not enjoy James the way I do reading Keats, Wordsworth and Shelley. Even Shakespeare is an easier read than James. James has a complex, a kind of arrogance and sense of vainglory

[manuscript]

In fact rhyming a poem does not make it always intricate though sometimes it does. Keats is interesting and James is intricate. I do not enjoy James the way I do reading Keats, Wordsworth and Shelley. Even Shakespeare is an easier read than James. James has a complex, a kind of arrogance and sense of vainglory

i read somewhere that in philosophy when it comes to criticising an argument advanced by a philosopher it is a logical fallacy to employ personal statements relating the philosopher, their life or self, as part of the criticism of the argument. this fallacy has a special name - it is called an ad hominem argument, which i think means something like "against the man", that is rather than against the argument.

[blazeofglory]

There is no argument against somebody writing intricately for self gratification and if somebody writes for the select few. I am talking about writing in general. I choose to write for the common reader not for the class. James wrote not for the mass but for the few elite class and for the university professors

[cacian]

That is where skills come in. Skill is demanded of a writer when he has to express complex ideas to make it comprehensible to his readers. If he uses difficult words and complex sentences to bury meaning few can find the book readable, though a few critic from their distant heights keep on commending them

Interesting.
I believe the more our mind is apt for simplicity the more outlandish imagination we have.
By this I mean read for simplicity but I produce for complicity.
Because I am able to understand the simple I am able to unfold with the imaginary that is even more simpler in its beauty to astound and astonish.
I write to amaze not to shock. Imagination thrives on simplicity it makes sense.

[miyako73]

Thanks, everyone. Cacian, you hit some of my feelings here. When I write simple sentences repeatedly using basic vocabulary all the time, I feel like I am being too juvenile. The thought that even ten year-old's can write what I have been writing bogs me down.

I also like Hill's thought on "a newbie trying to sound like a writer." I think I encounter this problem when I work my prose around the heavy words I like to use. I hope this thread does help others who have the same problem. Thanks.

The one I have edited and rewritten ten times, so far:



"Outside, Spring that year revealed its full bloom, spreading the scent of May all over. The gusts of wind from the north whistled. The soft breezes welcomed everyone into the tamed warmth of the sun. The streams of cool air lingered on people’s faces and clung on their backs. I must have thought of the white swans floating on the pond and glissading around the water lilies like agile ballerinas in their grand pas de deux. I lived on Tremont Street, a walking distance to the Public Garden. When I had nothing to do and had time to spare, I would spend my lazy afternoons rambling around the botanical park and would only stop when I found an umbrageous tree. I would sit on its peeking root and lean my back on its trunk or lie down under its shade until the dusky gray of five o’clock suffused the landscape. Inside the apartment, as calm as the Winter-ravaged tree leafless and solitary by the entrance of the Boston Common, my body remained idle on the floor almost lifeless if not of my faint sighs and slow breathing."

[AuntShecky]

I've always understood that "contrived" referred to subject matter rather than style, although stylistic devices may play a part in giving that impression. For instance, we are likely to come across the word "contrived" as a pejorative descriptor in a movie review. In other words, the specific scene or the overall plot seems fabricated, meaning having little or no correlation with "real life."

[Eiseabhal]

One has to start somewhere as a writer I suppose. There are too many adjectives for my taste. "Umbrageous" I'm sure wasn't meant to be funny but it amuses me.

[Eiseabhal]

And while seasons are different in different places I guess (Here where I live May is summer) I find it hard to fix the image of "winter-ravaged" with the Spring as it is described. I don't find "I must have thought ..." very effective. But of course this is but a fragment of a whole I suppose?

[Delta40]

My understanding is that contrived writing doesn't have a natural flow so I guess the argument is does that apply to the style of the writer or the content being fabricated?

[hillwalker]

My contrivance alarm picked out the following:

"Outside, Spring that year revealed its full bloom, spreading the scent of May all over. The gusts of wind from the north whistled. The soft breezes welcomed everyone into the tamed warmth of the sun1. The streams of cool air lingered on people’s faces and clung on their backs. I must have thought of the white swans floating on the pond and glissading2 around the water lilies like agile ballerinas in their grand pas de deux3. I lived on Tremont Street, a walking distance to the Public Garden. When I had nothing to do and had time to spare, I would spend my lazy afternoons rambling around the botanical park and would only stop when I found an umbrageous tree4. I would sit on its peeking root5 and lean my back on its trunk or lie down under its shade until the dusky gray of five o’clock suffused the landscape. Inside the apartment, as calm as the Winter-ravaged tree leafless and solitary by the entrance of the Boston Common, my body remained idle on the floor almost lifeless if not of my faint sighs6 and slow breathing."

1 : What does 'tamed warmth' mean? It sounds clever but is nonsensical
2 : 'glissading' sounds pretty but hardly applies to swans since they don't perform this particular balletic move to the best of my knowledge
3 : ditto - the metaphor beaten to within an inch of its life
4 : ugh - a horrible modifier - a smart-arsed way of saying 'shaded'
5 : 'peeking' implies eyes - personifying the tree for no valid reason. 'exposed' would serve better in my opinion
6 : trying to be clever and tying oneself in grammatical knots - 'if not of' should presumably be 'apart from'

It's an old cliché, but the expression 'write to express not impress' is great advice for any aspiring writer.

H

[manuscript]

i think style is contrived when it conflicts with meaning. your narrator seems to be a particular kind of character who uses a particular kind of language. the critical comments contributed on this thread seem to have made implicit assumptions about who this kind of character is or should be and to have applied criticisms related to regularity of usage that level these features of the character to something else entirely. without reading the rest of your story it is really impossible to know from this excerpt whether this style of language is relevant to the development of your character and narrative or not. you should judge for yourself whether the kind of language you have used is appropriate to the portrayal of the kind of character you are exploring and where you are taking this character. it is a dramatic first paragraph and perhaps your character is given to dramatic descriptions. does this narrator use this kind of elaborate language as part of a personal character, and what does it mean that narrator does so, and how does this contribute to the meaning of the entire piece? it is great to get feedback from other readers on the internet, but make what use you can of them, rather than taking them as absolute truth. if you look up in a book with short pieces of advice from famously successful and brilliant professional authors, their advice is consistently that the way to be a better writer is to read more, and write more.

having said that, i enjoyed it, especially the part about ballet, and the end where the narrator is imperiled.

[cacian]

I've always understood that "contrived" referred to subject matter rather than style, although stylistic devices may play a part in giving that impression. For instance, we are likely to come across the word "contrived" as a pejorative descriptor in a movie review. In other words, the specific scene or the overall plot seems fabricated, meaning having little or no correlation with "real life."

I agree it is a good point.
In move it is easier to see contrived in acting rather then the actual plot itself. I call that contrived the actor is not making the scene appear natural.
In books it depends on how one is trained to read.

[JCamilo]

Frankly, forget the word contrived. If someone say it to you, pretend they said "butterfly".

Take Hillwalker post, if had not said it at begining, he would still showing his point of what he considered some part of excess of style or inovation. I may disagree with some points:
the roots peeking made me think of root's tree just coming out the ground, the problem is that would not be very confortable to sit it there, as peeking would suggest something timid.
The Swam ballet thing is not a problem for me. It goes like the character musing, if in the story this characters often make relations with dance, etc. would not be ok. However, If you wanted to describe the nature to then change to the person's musing, it seems like a odd break to return sundenly to reality describing where the character live. If the idea was someone which thoughts drift away from the initial description and then returns, the fact that in all paragraph the language is trying to work with the metaphor so hard, would kill this difference. Probally if the only example was the swam analogy (I think Swams do glide) the entire text would sound better.