A hedgehog

[Bar22do]

(revised: )

Silence gathers under my window
on a bed of dead bougainvillas' petals
and on frosted grass hard like ice.

In the sky - arabesques of white smoke
digesting rockets, sounds of burp, as if
from chomping hatred with its shell -

though who could tell, from the TV screen.
Also in the blue - a buzz in god's absolute ear,
steel swallows make the fall. Why all that here?

Silence doesn't talk at all down my window,
not the slightest hint. Only a late hedgehog
stealthily threads its way into hide.`



(originally: )

Silence gathers under my window
on a bed of dead bougainvillas' petals
and on frosted grass hard like ice.

In the sky - arabesques of white smoke
digesting rockets, a dragon's burps
from chomping hatred with its shell - though

who could ascertain, from a curling trail?
Also in the blue - a buzz in god's absolute ear,
steel swallows that make the fall. Why here?

Silence doesn't talk at all down my window,
not the slightest hint. Only a late hedgehog
stealthily threads its way into hide.`



(Jerusalem, November 16, 2012)

[MystyrMystyry]

It's good, very very very good Bar22do :)

I want to analyse it a bit - but right now I really need to go out. Be back later!

[Charles Darnay]

Very nice. I particularly like the first two stanzas.

[Bar22do]

MysterM, so glad you liked it (am looking forwards to your insights!), Charles Darnay, thanks a lot for your kind reading and appreciation!

[hillwalker]

I'm sorry, but beyond that first stanza the rest of this poem completely by-passed me. I even find this opening verse awkward because of the 'hard like ice' image - is it the grass that's hard like ice or the silence?

The rest is over-elaborate, with far too many disjointed images that make it difficult to make sense of (are 'roquets' rockets - and 'hatered' hatred?).

'a dragon's burps' takes this image (of a rocket attack? who knows?) into the realms of Disneyworld and so, unless that was the author's intention, I can't see how it enhances the scene.

I'm guessing it's a snapshot of the growing conflict in Gaza set against a micrososmos where nature continues as normal, but any attempt at reading is also undermined by the choice of line break at the end of verse 2 that makes it even more impossible to navigate.

Sorry if it appears negative but this seems to be a rushed attempt that ends up unravelling into several unrelated strands rather like a frayed rope.

H

[blazeofglory]

Poetry at times a better reader than a sharp critic. This poem is soothing in the face of critical technicality. It may lack something a critic observes but when it can penetrates it becomes a poem, no matter there is no enough craft. Craft is second to melody. I find a fusion of melody and feeling. The rest is unimportant.

[Bar22do]

Hill, please ALWAYS feel free to share your critiques, I learn from the feedbacks. Indeed, the spelling of the two words escaped my attention (it must be stress) - usually I am hysterical about it (because of lurking unconscious "imports" from other languages)! so thanks a lot for your corrections and for bearing with my imperfection! It wasn't "a rushed attempt," as I don't think it was "over-elaborated" either; also, for me, the poem's images are connected, but to understand they didn't depict for you what I felt and hoped they would for the reader prompts me to reconsider the whole piece... Thanks Hill, I appreciate your honest comment.

Blazeglory, glad you could relate and hear the melody and feel the contents. However, I may have to re-think this poem so it can speak to one or two more speakers as well.. I'm aware I'm more of a learner poet than a poet. Thank you for your kind, lenient reading, Blaze!

[DocHeart]

I see Hill's point of view. I can't deny that your poem initially sounded quite cryptic to me, too. But cryptic I like, so I read it over a couple of times. Then I remembered the situation unfolding in your part of the world, and the riddle was no more.

I always appreciate your poetry, Bar. Stay safe down there, and may peace return soon.

DH

[MystyrMystyry]

When I read this earlier I thought it actually was about dragons - I misread it as a light fantasy scene, not as what it was, sorry Bar :) It's still good, though now much heavier and even more compelling.

I hope you're safe and well Bar :)

[Bar22do]

Thanks again Mystyr, I'll have to work on this piece so it doesn't confuse the reader (I wanted to avoid using the plain technical term of launchers destined to intercept rockets...; also, the hedgehog is a late citizen heading for a shelter... I know, hard to guess - my fault!!!!).

DocHeart, it's heart warming to read you appreciate my efforts! for you're quite a poet.

Thank you both for caring about my safety, too!

[Haunted]

It's one thing to watch the smokes and ruins on tv, another to read it as captured by a local. The smoking dragon metaphor can't get any better, and the juxtaposition of a hedgehog is just exceptional. Thank goodness you are safe, Bar.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, Haunted, your generous kindness always makes you find something appreciable in my hesitant efforts. I'm glad you liked my juxtaposition of a hedgehog, though, had I not explained, it would have probably remained cryptic... I wonder how much can a poet expect that the reader decipher the meaning... and it's perhaps unfair to be cryptic at all; however as for me, when an image/emotion... presents itself to me it's so clear that only the readers' feedback makes me realize it is not so... hmmm, at least I try to learn.

Hugs Haunted.

[Bar22do]

Is my revision an improvement, or should I just trash the whole thing?

[Jerrybaldy]

I am posting have only read it once then read the critiques so I have picked up it is about the middle east situation. I enjoyed it not knowing what it was about. Think that means it works so dont trash it.

[Bar22do]

I am posting have only read it once then read the critiques so I have picked up it is about the middle east situation. I enjoyed it not knowing what it was about. Think that means it works so dont trash it.

If you say so - it will stay... :smile5:

[Haunted]

Bar, I got it that it was about the Gaza bombings on my first read, that's even before reading others comments and your explanation. Maybe because I'm a news junkie, or maybe it worked the first time all along. What I missed was the hedgehog. By itself, purely from a literary standpoint, it totally works, dragon vs hedgehog (the little animal). But knowing its second meaning, it makes it even better. Personally, I like the original version of "who could ascertain, from a curling trail?", as I found the alliterations of "c" and "t" really well done. But I understand the change to "tv screen" in order to make the poem more transparent. Still a memorable piece.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot for re-visiting this, Haunted. Yeah, there was something in the contrast of dimensions (dragon /hedgehog). Like many of my efforts, this too needs further thought, if at all worthwhile. But I am grateful for all the feedbacks, in the hope they help me progress. Best to you and to all.

[hallaig]

digesting rockets, sounds of burp, as if
from chomping hatred with its shell -


I like this, and like your stuff generally. I don't have any problems getting this but I don't like these lines, particularly the extended image wi the burp and 'chomping hatred with its shell' which doesn't make sense to me at all. It's an extremely good atmospheric piece though, wee bit knackered for me by the indigestion bit.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot for reading and commenting, hallaig. I'll certainly ponder the two lines.