Dear Carver

[Revolte]

How can you sing to me of such great escapes? Carver, your hair isn't as soft as it was in yesterdays.
You are just as fowl and fool as the ones you keep captive. I lay locked beside monsters of men. Begging an unjust god for them to spare me. I don't know what is worse, waiting to be touched and slain. Or watching you patrol my cage like a stranger.

Have you forgotten the night in Ashbury? The way the moonlight caressed rippling waves of lyrics joyously vibrating from our lips to our kiss. The wind so gentle blew rebelling strands of hair into your mouth and I was so embarrassed that I nearly fainted. But you Carver, you brushed my blush away with such soft fingertips and assured me it wasn't the taste of cheap shampoo at all, but of love.

And now your songs of hope aren't as wise as they once were. Now you're the face of death. And I, your lover, am a victim to your selfishness. Do you think I can't hear you hum the tune? Every night after feeding, you almost skip away humming the same notes that made me fall in love. It is not a direct mocking, but a greater form of hate. It's a mocking of void. You have become so empty that you can't see my face, even when staring into my tear-ridden eyes. Even if I grabbed your face and pressed my lips against yours you wouldn't know it was me.

War is an awful thing Carver, and I know we must all make a choice. But that is no excuse. You have abandoned not only me, but every heart you ever touched. I would give my life to see us together again, to see the other outcome. The one where you stayed true to yourself, to me and to your family. I would gladly give up these forced warm meals and sleepless nights. But not to be free. No, but to be with you. With who you were.

This won't come from waiting, I've waiting for months. And each day I see you growing even more disgusting. But I meant what I sung that night in Ashbury. Forgive me Carver, this parchment and pen are not all I managed to hide. Men will be quick to penetrate, but are less then rushed to find what has already penetrated. And it seems your new friends aren't so loyal.

Forgive me again, I have touched another man. And for my body was given a favor. A simple drop of something not as forgiving. And this letter in company. I know you, and I know you have already sipped your morning coffee. You have but minutes left until we meet again, until you will finally see that the saddened girl in the cage was the love of your life. And the one you betrayed.

Sing with me Carver. One last time.

We are but lonely lovers,
in a time of death and greed,
but given us, a little trust
and it's freedom we achieve.
We are but lonely lovers,
we are but lonely still,
but tonight we kiss for tomorrow is bliss,
when the ships of freedom sail!

[Delta40]

I have no idea what this is about.

[Revolte]

I don't think it's that hard to figure out, but there is intentionally a little room for your own opinions. I would explain it in greater depth, but there is no fun in that.

[Delta40]

I don't think it's that hard to figure out, but there is intentionally a little room for your own opinion.

Lol. Honestly?

I agree there is no fun having to explain your work though.

[Steven Hunley]

I'm with Delta on this one. And what you most likely mean in your response is, ....intentionally a little room for your own interpretations. But let's just take a look at the first paragraph and try to understand exactly why this isn't working.
"How can you sing to me of such great escapes?" Well, such great escapes indicates a previous familiarity with the story. We have no idea what this refers to.
"Carver-your hair....isn't as soft as it was in yesterdays" In yesterdays? What does in yesterdays mean? And why must he sing it?

"You are as fowl and fool as the ones you keep captive." Perhaps you mean "You are as foul and foolish as ones you keep captive." At any rate, that's two misspells in the same sentence, and even if two spelling errors don't bother you, the references to 'ones' (ones that are not explained or named) is confusing for sure.

The next two sentences are cryptic and the last two are not sentences at all. So let's see. What have we got here? Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and confusion.
There are so many errors and confusing sentences in this it's not funny. And that reminds me. Ever hear the saying, "If you have to explain a joke it's probably not funny."

Prose writing has a saying of its own. "If you have to explain a piece, whether it's an essay or letter or short story, it's probably not readable." Clarity in writing is paramount and this just doesn't have it. Too many errors show a lack of respect for your audience. There are so many errors I lost count.

[Steven Hunley]

I'm with Delta on this one. And what you most likely mean in your response is, ....intentionally a little room for your own interpretations. But let's just take a look at the first paragraph and try to understand exactly why this isn't working.
"How can you sing to me of such great escapes?" Well, such great escapes indicates a previous familiarity with the story. We have no idea what this refers to.
"Carver-your hair....isn't as soft as it was in yesterdays" In yesterdays? What does in yesterdays mean? And why must he sing it?

"You are as fowl and fool as the ones you keep captive." Perhaps you mean "You are as foul and foolish as ones you keep captive." At any rate, that's two misspells in the same sentence, and even if two spelling errors don't bother you, the references to 'ones' (ones that are not explained or named) is confusing for sure.

The next two sentences are cryptic and the last two are not sentences at all. So let's see. What have we got here? Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and confusion.
There are so many errors and confusing sentences in this it's not funny. And that reminds me. Ever hear the saying, "If you have to explain a joke it's probably not funny."

Prose writing has a saying of its own. "If you have to explain a piece, whether it's an essay or letter or short story, it's probably not readable." Clarity is writing is paramount and this just doesn't have it. Too many errors show a lack of respect for your audience.

[Delta40]

Lol and a double post really should bring the message home :ciappa:

[Charles Darnay]

I think the last full paragraph before the song makes it clear enough what it is about. I could point out some things that don't work, but I will reserve my judgement on this, because it would not be a fair one - not my cup of tea and all. I have no sympathy for the "my man treats me like crap but I love him" sort of thing - but that's just me.

[Revolte]

It's pretty simple people, the guy was with her during war, chose to fight for the war instead of fighting it, got mixed in the mess of it all, stopped caring, his lover still went against the war, became captive, snuck in poison, killed him, wrote a letter for him to read right before he died.

It's all there, it's a letter version of a love story. Keep the cocky *** "Honestly?" **** away, it's uncalled for ;)

[Revolte]

I'm with Delta on this one. And what you most likely mean in your response is, ....intentionally a little room for your own interpretations. But let's just take a look at the first paragraph and try to understand exactly why this isn't working.
"How can you sing to me of such great escapes?" Well, such great escapes indicates a previous familiarity with the story. We have no idea what this refers to.
"Carver-your hair....isn't as soft as it was in yesterdays" In yesterdays? What does in yesterdays mean? And why must he sing it?

"You are as fowl and fool as the ones you keep captive." Perhaps you mean "You are as foul and foolish as ones you keep captive." At any rate, that's two misspells in the same sentence, and even if two spelling errors don't bother you, the references to 'ones' (ones that are not explained or named) is confusing for sure.

The next two sentences are cryptic and the last two are not sentences at all. So let's see. What have we got here? Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and confusion.
There are so many errors and confusing sentences in this it's not funny. And that reminds me. Ever hear the saying, "If you have to explain a joke it's probably not funny."

Prose writing has a saying of its own. "If you have to explain a piece, whether it's an essay or letter or short story, it's probably not readable." Clarity in writing is paramount and this just doesn't have it. Too many errors show a lack of respect for your audience. There are so many errors I lost count.

There are errors, but if what you say is true. I should mention I think the way you're talking makes you a jerk and the last thing I want to show you is respect.

Did I mention, f you? 'Cause f you.


There is a way to give advice without being a f nugget, guys, wasted my time showing this here. And I'm still wasting my time, but really enjoying saying f you.

[Charles Darnay]

yup, guess you are.

[Delta40]

Revolte you put your work here to get feedback. My feedback questioned your statement that this story was obvious. This story is as clear as mud and your explanation isn't a very good one either btw. Steve gave a good critique which was considerate of him because I was only willing to state a fact without going into the details of why I had no idea what the story was about so how about a 'thank you' rather than a f**k you to the person who is willing to go that extra mile and break it down into pieces in order to help you become a better writer?

Don't let your ego or sensitive feelings get in the way of learning.

[sarah.nichole]

It's pretty simple people, the guy was with her during war, chose to fight for the war instead of fighting it, got mixed in the mess of it all, stopped caring, his lover still went against the war, became captive, snuck in poison, killed him, wrote a letter for him to read right before he died.

Yeah I didn't get that at ALL when reading the story.

I also agree with Delta40. We come here to get feedback. Sometimes, it's more harsh than others. Either deal with that, or don't post here anymore.

[Steven Hunley]

Yeah I didn't get that at ALL when reading the story.

I also agree with Delta40. We come here to get feedback. Sometimes, it's more harsh than others. Either deal with that, or don't post here anymore.

Sorry if the critique seemed harsh. It wasn't a personal attack, but an attempt to call your attention to the lack of clarity in the writing by giving examples. Many errors in my own writing are pointed out here, and I value the input.

To catch errors, it's good to have the public read your stuff. Many people catch grammatical errors, others catch spelling and punctuation errors and still others find holes in your (that's my) plots as easily as discerning holes in Swiss cheese. I've got a few rejection slips in my day. Some just say "can't use it" or "it stinks." Others take the time (and that's very few) to tell you why they won't accept the piece. That's the valuable stuff.

What I should have done was point out the strong part of your work. The errors were so glaring, they swept my judgment aside. Since then I've had time to reconsider, and was helped in this by your explanation.

You wrote several paragraphs, and in one of the later ones, provided the explanations as to what was happening in the earlier part. That took some thought and planning. It was like a mystery. Good writers don't always spell everything out, and hope that the readers figure it out for themselves. This sense of discovery on the readers part makes for a rewarding reading experience. Me, I spell most things out too much, and have rightly been criticized for doing just that. Many times I've wished that hinting at something was the course I'd followed, rather than being specific.

So you attempted to do a hard piece of writing. Maybe the clues you gave weren't the right clues. Writing is one of those crafts that seem never to be done. Most of the work isn't in the first draft, but rather in the re-writes and revisions. I didn't want to discourage you from writing, just alert you to the nature of your errors and suggest some ways to make it clearer.

If this was an public archery contest, any one watching could see you missed the bulls eye on the first shot. Now take some advise. Steady your weapon. (watch the grammar) Take good aim. (know what you want to say) Hold the bow steady (use a spell check and follow the rules) and then, and not until then, let it fly. If it misses the mark, take heart. You always have a next shot, and eventually you'll score a bulls eyes. Both writing and archery take practice.
Last of all read all you can, especially the masters. See how the Robin Hoods of literature hit their marks.

[sarah.nichole]

If this was an public archery contest, any one watching could see you missed the bulls eye on the first shot. Now take some advise. Steady your weapon. (watch the grammar) Take good aim. (know what you want to say) Hold the bow steady (use a spell check and follow the rules) and then, and not until then, let it fly. If it misses the mark, take heart. You always have a next shot, and eventually you'll score a bulls eyes. Both writing and archery take practice.
Last of all read all you can, especially the masters. See how the Robin Hoods of literature hit their marks.

This made me smile. Just thought I'd say that. Love the metaphor.

:)

[Sreenan]

Revolte, you need to learn how to take feedback otherwise give up writing right now. People have said it in better words above mind...

[AuntShecky]

I HEART Delta and Stephen!

[miyako73]

Revolte, a forum like this is a place where you learn to develop a thick skin. I learned that a long time ago. If you want to benefit from their critiques, post your stuff, digest their comments, and weigh who makes sense: you or your critics.

[sarah.nichole]

I have a feeling that Revolte isn't going to reply to anything else on here...