Once, In Africa

[MystyrMystyry]

Once, in Africa
There were Rhinoceroses
In the North

In the South
There were Elephants
In the East
There were Tigers

Lions roared
In the West

There were Gorillas
In the Middle

Around and about
There were Giraffes

And Zebras

And Hipphopotomuses
Danced by the water

In Africa


Once

[Haunted]

Maybe you wanted this much repetition, but it's redundant when you have to say the same thing three times. Reading it is dizzying, I kept looking for something that might be a bit different each time but no, it's the same line. In effect this is really all you have to say:

Rhinoceroses
In the North

In the South
Elephants
In the East
Tigers

Lions roar
In the West

Gorillas
In the Middle

Around and about
Giraffes

And Zebras

And Hipphopotomuses
Dance by the water

In Africa

Once


Of course this is not the poem, but that's the meat. By not revealing with past tense, you get more mileage, and the element of surprise and discovery makes for a bigger payoff for your readers.

I think to get more pathos, you might want to give the animals a bit more personality, because the theme itself is not new or unique, so you do need that extra oomph. I see great potential for the poem.

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Haunted! :) I'll happily pay your rewrite!

I needed a supporting perspective. I wrote it early this morning half-asleep. I was in anger/frustration after watching a documentary on Africa's disappearing wildlife - the Northern White Rhino is down to seven in reserves though obliterated from its native habitat, with Southern Elephants next in line, and so on. Did get some good news this morning - the Mountain Gorilla population has had a chance of increasing, and is so!

Keep your fingers crossed that the stupid morons with guns wipe themselves out before any more crimes are committed!

[Haunted]

Ah, so that explains the repetition, it's an emotional response. That must be upsetting. Are they poaching?? I don't get the whole hunting thing, why would killing another creature be a recreation??

What I found impressive in the poem is the details. You tell us where each animal is — north, south, etc. That's interesting to know. You definitely have enough knowledge to make the poem unique. You see, the subject matter doesn't have to be unique, just the poem. I dont know if I made myself clear in my first post, we often write about the lowest common denominations, me especially. It sounds bad but that's also what people relate to, because it's also "common" to them. The challenge is to make your version of it special.

You have a good base here, you just need to flesh out a bit more. You can keep it sparse, just add a few things here and there strategically. Maybe paint the jungle a bit more, to make the scene come alive; or you can use a technique — humanize the animals. This would make killing them unthinkable, and it would make for a compelling poem. But these are just suggestions, I'm half asleep myself, lol. You do what you think is right.

[Delta40]

You do have a foundation here but I agree with Haunted. Possibly even use format as a strategy to get your point across too MM.

[MystyrMystyry]

No, it's even worse than just hunting Haunted. There are all the ragtag militias running around who want to seize control of various countries, and they're imbeciles. They interviewed the commander who was responsible for killing the Rhinos who explained that the horn is worth more than gold in China as a traditional 'cure' for impotence, regardless of actual viagras and stuff. And so they killed the Rhinos to get the money to buy guns. And because guns and power are more important to them than sense, well it's been going on a long time. For the poor Elephant though, it's a matter of ivory - still! - and this time it's the excessively greedy in China who want it for trinkets and baubles. If it's worth more than gold it's desirable. Rich people aren't known for their good taste and intelligence. Anyway, the reserves they've stuck them in aren't safe due of the expanse needed and the cost of hiring mercenaries means the borders can't be protected efficiently.

And then when you find yourself asking why? it hits you - the buyers can afford to because electronics and textiles have made them rich, and this means the wonder of mobile phones, computers and the internet, inexpensive fabric and clothing...

We're all responsible for causing it, but none of us know how to rectify the mess, at least not cost effectively. Partly why it caused me anger - the shame of my personal contribution and not being able to work out a solution.

You would need a U.N type operation to take them out of the country and put them - where? And there's no end in sight to any of the conflicts, so it becomes an unsolvable problem.


Honestly I realise it shouldn't even be the subject of a poem. It's beyond the scope. This is just an expression of despair.

[Bar22do]

For me, raw and bare as it is, it reached me, caught me by the throat. So it works at least for me (and I too cry on the disappearence of wildlife in Africa, and anywhere)... but of course I'm only a foreigner.