Rats

[Delta40]

My pantry door is wide open.
Come, weave between
the tins of damaged kidney beans,
a baby's silk shoe in the flour bin
and the crumbs of auntie's
special fruit cake from a christmas
I was too pissed to remember.
Bottles of half finished
sauces,
congealed drizzles at the nozzles,
a reminder that chips in newspaper
were a crime against humanity.
While I nested expectantly,
your photograph was pasted
on the inside of the door
next to the grubby measurements
of some unknown child
cast out into the world,
snared by her insatiable greed.
All this happened
long before I made footprints in the tumeric,
long before my rodent droppings
mattered.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. This is an interesting poem but I think the punctuation needs work at the beginning. The first line kind of needs a full stop at the end. The second line needs either an "and" or a comma after "come". The line breaks in the second sentence are a bit unsympathetic in that they don't seem to do anything for the reading of the poem except disrupt the flow. I'm not sure why you'd want to do this. Also, because you've made sauces and drizzles plural they really need to stay plural:

"Bottles of half-finnished sauces,
congealed drizzles at the(ir) nozzles,
a reminder...."

I'm not quite sure who the photograph is of. Is it the narrator in their youth, or some "other"? I choose to believe the the first option. There is significant depth to this poem. The disenchanted adult surveys the present and sees reminders from the past to fuel the existential dispair of a mid-life crisis. There is some great imagery here, "...chips in newspaper... a crime against humanity."

"...the grubby measuments
of some unknown child..."

Loved the closing lines too. A poem which is more rewarding with repeated reads.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk for taking such care in your review. I'll make the suggested changes.

[Hawkman]

You're welcome, but one last thing, "...chips in newspaper were (or are) a crime..." ;)

LLAP - H

[Bar22do]

ah, how I love your bottomless creativity springs!

[DocHeart]

Your poetry is challenging, difficult, full of discomfort and general malaise. Your readers have to go through hell -- and then they're rewarded with muddled, blurry crumminess.

Thanks for sharing.

[DocHeart]

Deleting double post.

[Delta40]

Your poetry is challenging, difficult, full of discomfort and general malaise. Your readers have to go through hell -- and then they're rewarded with muddled, blurry crumminess.

Thanks for sharing.

Is this a compliment?

[DocHeart]

Is this a compliment?

You know it was. :)

[Delta40]

Sorry doc. It's very early in my part of the world. Forgive a sleepy rat :sleep: