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Volya
11-11-2012, 06:11 PM
I woke up in a field in the middle of nowhere. And there beside me was an old man sitting on the grass, staring intently at a willow tree that bordered a fast-flowing creek a few dozen feet from where I was lying. I stood up walked to him, he didn’t look up. Just kept on sitting there, staring at the willow tree. I sat down. The two of us sat there, looking at the willow tree. Every so often I would turn my head, check if he was still looking, and he always was.

After a while, I just stopped bothering to check, and my gaze became focused entirely on the tree. It was an old tree, I could see that. Its long branches dangled almost lazily into the water, where little minnows darted in and out between it’s leaves. There were two squirrels scurrying up and down the willow’s trunk, scampering about like a pair of kids. A family of rabbits had made their warren under the roots of the tree, one of them poking their little noses out every once in a while, before darting nervously back in when one of the squirrels came nearer. Sitting there, looking at that tree, I began to experience a feeling of serenity, and peace of mind. This willow tree, despite being so old and magnificent, it co-existed in harmony with life; the minnows, the squirrels, the rabbits. They all lived by the bank of the creek, together.

Next to me, the man began to stir. Getting to his feet, he began walking over to the tree, his footsteps rustling the long grass. I got up and followed him, curious as to what would happen next. He arrived at the tree, and placed one hand on its rough bark.
‘It’s me again, my friend’ he said softly. Then, reaching up with one hand, he began to climb the old willow. I looked up in wonder, as he ascended with the agility of the squirrels that frolicked among the branches. They didn’t seem to mind his presence, just as the tree did not seem to mind the presence of the rabbits.

The old man stopped by a sturdy branch that hung out over the river. He took hold of a bundle of vines that draped into the water, and began entwining them round and round each other. My eyes were mesmerized by the activities of the man, paying no heed to anything but him. The vines eventually formed a single rope-like strand, which he took in his hand and began to tie round his neck. When it dawned upon me what he was about to do, I began to yell and shout at him, trying to persuade him back down. But to no avail. He turned to look at me for the first time, gave a smile, then fell from the branch. The vines were wrapped tightly around his neck, and he died instantly. I fell to my knees, aghast at what I had just witnessed; not only the horror of the mans death, but the fact that his death had defiled the atmosphere of tranquility that had pervaded the willow tree.

I knelt there, staring at his body until the sun began to set. It was just as the last rays began to dip below the horizon that a crow flew over to the man, and settled on his shoulder. It squinted with its beady eyes at the lifeless face, before giving a jab with it’s beak and tearing the man’s flesh. As it drew first blood, another crow descended upon the man, then another, and more, until what was once the man’s body became a dark, feathered mass.

When the sun had fully vanished, the crows departed. There was nothing left but the vines the man had used, which were beginning to unravel and rest in the creek once more. The squirrels scampered down the tree and away into the field, the rabbits tucked away into their nest, and the minnows were still. The willow tree gave one last sigh as the wind rustled through, and then, everything went dark.

I awoke the next day, in the same field. The old man was sitting there again, staring at the same willow, that was planted beside the same creek. With the same minnows, squirrels and rabbits that had been there the day before. I questioned the man as to what had happened, but he didn’t respond. I sat there again. The exact same events happened.

It has been twelve days now by my count, and every single day the same thing has happened. Maybe today will be different.

sarah.nichole
11-12-2012, 11:54 AM
That was depressing! But of course it was supposed to be dark. It's nicely written and your descriptions are well done.

One thing that I would correct is Getting to his feet, he began walking over to the tree, his footsteps rustling the long grass beneath his feet. The "beneath his feet" part is unnecessary. It's just a repetition that makes the sentence sound awkward.

Also, I've never personally felt a weeping willow's (I'm assuming that's what type of willow you had imagined when writing this) bark, but is it smooth? Normally bark is described as rough, so when you said it was smooth, it made me wonder!

Keep posting :)

Volya
11-12-2012, 01:03 PM
Apparently the bark is rough; I said smooth since that was how I imagined it while I was writing, so I'll have to change that bit. Thanks for the feedback :)

hillwalker
11-12-2012, 02:11 PM
Depressing maybe, but also affirming the cycle of life. It has a touch of enigmatic Eastern philosophy about it - 'Sidhartha-like' in a way.

H

Volya
11-12-2012, 02:23 PM
Thanks hillwalker :)

DocHeart
11-12-2012, 03:48 PM
I really enjoyed this, Volya. Did you say you're only 15? You're loaded with talent.

And you're a gutsy wee sod, too. You choose to write in a style that borders on being existentialist, sharing an encounter with a mysterious Other (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other) that could be poignant or meaningless. Perhaps what you wrote here is some sort of allegory which is personally relevant to you only (or to the narrator -- but more about him in a minute), or it may just be an inconsequential, absurd nightmare. Whichever of the two is the case, you do a good job creating atmosphere and painting images. The part where the old man's body is covered by crows is particularly well done. And well conceived.

You should be proud. There are a number of people much older than you in here, many of them claiming to hold degrees and to have been published. They think themselves writers, but their work is as important as a teenage wank inside a dirty sock. You have such amazing potential.

There are things you need to work on, however.

One of the most boring things about writing creatively is having to revisit a piece in order to improve it. I'm 40, and I've only just started doing it in the last couple of years. But if you start doing it now, you'll acquire a wonderful habit which will enhance your output dramatically. Don't be in a rush to copy-paste and hit the "post" button. Let the thing ferment for a couple of days, go back to it. Spell-check it, for god's sake. "Prescence"? "Eachother"? "It's" instead of "Its"? Don't let things like that pollute your work.

Writing is an intense activity, it gives you a high. But let that high sizzle out for a couple of days, and while you're spell-checking and grammar-checking your work with a cool head, with the distance and calm time has afforded you, think about your reader. You should aspire to fully satisfy your reader. Okay, you're telling us this story, but how about some feeling from the narrator? How about some reaction to everything that's happening? Don't fall into the trap of unnecessarily elongating everything: you can do it in two or three sentences, or even a handful of words.

But overall, this is a very good effort indeed. Keep creating, my friend.

Best,
DH

Volya
11-12-2012, 03:54 PM
Thanks for the feedback, will go over it again and check the spelling and grammar :) I always get my 'its' and 'it's' muddled :/
And yes I am only 15.

AuntShecky
11-16-2012, 04:19 PM
The advice in the second half of Doc Heart's reply is wise. To that I would add that at this point in your youthful career it also might be wise to read every short story you can, from several different authors and eras. When you read each story, ask yourself not merely what the story is about but how the writer presents it. Read anthologies by the same short story writer or anthologies of a variety of authors. The good stories -- not necessarily the ones you "like"-- will show you how to write effectively. Read the bad ones, also! They'll teach you what NOT to do.

(This next paragraph might seem to contradict what the first one says^^, but it really doesn't.)Since you've told us how young you are, I'm assuming that this is one of your first stories, and, yes, it is good for a beginner. It seems to have been influenced by nihilist and absurdist drama, which is okay, but unusual for a writer as young as you are. It's perfectly fine to emulate established writers and themes, but at the same time you want to find your own unique "voice." It's not that your story isn't "original," but we've visited similar themes as this one before. It's not uncommon for a writer's early efforts to be called "derivative:" it's all part of the learning process. And I've got news for you--we're ALL still learning, or so we should be!


As to the story itself : watch out for needless repetition, which a previous reply mentioned. The motif of "waking up" even in a strange situation has been used before. Even though the theme is an "existential" one (like No Exit) you don't want the story to be what's called too "slight;" even though the final sentence intimates that the protagonist's lot is to continue indefinitely -- like the Groundhog's Day movie-- there has to be some action, something dynamic going on in lieu of a real change. Some dialogue would help as well-- not stilted, pseudo-philosphical babble (which your story blessedly avoids)-- but real, natural human speech. To illustrate the point, years ago there was a New Yorker cartoon depicting a stage, totally bare except for a chair and a leafless tree, with the caption "Modern Drama."

Speaking of trees, I'm not a botanist, nor do I play one on TV. I believe there are several species of willow, though, so perhaps one of them happens to have smooth bark. (Your story doesn't specify --"weeping" willow, does it?) I don't know about the killer vines, though. The old guy-an allusion to Prometheus, getting his liver eaten (by a huge eagle) while regenerating so he can go through the same thing every day?

In any event, it goes to show you the importance of doing a little research, just to insure accuracy in the descriptions and setting, in order to avoid misconceptions (on the literal level, I mean. A little ambiguity is a good thing.)

To answer your question: its --(no apostrophe) -- possessive pronoun, as in "This table is missing its leg." "it's" (with apostrophe)-- contraction for "it is"-- "It's partly cloudy today."

For more, you might want to take a look at the Down and Dirty Guide to Punctuation. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=56601&highlight=Dirty+Guide+Punctuation)


And you probably don't need the following advice, but just for the hell of it:
You'll Know I'll Stop Reading Your Short Stories when. . (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41000&highlight=Stop+Reading+Short+Stories).

Show Don’t Tell Redux (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=67728)

Good luck with your writing!

PS --Hope I don't sound too condescending. But I wish someone had given me advice back in my youth (several Presidential administrations ago!)

Volya
11-16-2012, 05:51 PM
Thank you for the feedback Aunty :)
I do try to read as much as I can, although recently I have not been reading as much as I would have liked.
This is not my first story, but it was indeed strongly influenced by ideas I have read about in the past, although I had not read anything previously that had entirely the same concept.

I realize now that it would be helpful to clarify what kind of willow it is. It was meant to be a weeping willow, hence the vines dangling into the water. I'm not entirely sure what you meant about 'killer vines' though...
Well done for spotting the link to Prometheus, and thank you for the help with the grammar and the overall piece :)

PS

I have read those two threads already :p

hillwalker
11-16-2012, 07:20 PM
Doc gives good advice ^^ Age shouldn't be a factor so don't kowtow to anyone who try to patronise you on here.

H