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View Full Version : First post........Whatever you do, don’t open that door...



JackCharles
11-08-2012, 09:45 PM
First story posted, all feedback is appreciated. Written from the first line prompt.
Thank you,



Whatever you do, don’t open that door


“Whatever you do, don’t open that door.” That’s what we heard him say as he tossed his keys into the desk drawer, we both glanced at the closet door with wide eyed excitement, let’s face it telling two twelve year old boys not to get into something is like sticking your hand inside an alligator’s mouth and asking it not to bite it off.
We were staying at my Uncle’s house out in the country, my family made a yearly trip out here ever since I can remember, this year I brought along my friend Jim. Going to my Uncle’s every year was as about as exciting as my biannual dentist visit, but with Jim here at least I had someone else to share my suffering with. I never really enjoyed getting out to the country, I came from the city, all my friends were in the city, at home we had television and video games out here my Uncle didn't even own a television. Out here in the country we were expected to make our own fun, with what? All that was out here was some baseball equipment, a couple of bicycles, a cabinet full of fishing gear and a pond full of some kind of fish. I don’t know what my parents were thinking; I was from the city we get our fish at the local market not out of some pond. Since we were stuck here for the next week we decided to try and make the best of it. Jim and I took a walk around the property later that afternoon but we couldn't stop thinking about that closet door we were told to stay out of and what might be behind its locked door. Our imaginations began running wild with thoughts of what that door could be hiding. Jim thought that it was probably hiding the bodies of some poor unfortunate couple that wandered on to my Uncle’s property one night (Jim always thought my Uncle seemed like the serial killer type). As for me I thought that it probably contained a box full of money that he had stolen from some bank, (along with the bodies of that poor unsuspecting couple). It was then that Jim and I decided that no matter what else went on we had to get a look inside that closet before we left for home that gave us only seven days to get the job done. We spent the first couple of days trying to come up with a workable plan. Our first idea was to climb onto the roof, then once above the closet we would simply cut a hole in the roof, tie ourselves to a rope and lower ourselves down into the closet. The other option was to dig a tunnel under the house to the closet then simply cut a hole in the floor and climb right in. The problem with both of those plans was one; we had no idea where we would get all the tools we needed, and two; even if we had the tools we wouldn’t know how to operate them, let’s face it we were a couple of city boys raised on video games and television the only way we were going to get into that closet was to pick the lock or steal the keys and neither one of us knew how to pick a lock. We finally got a chance to try and get inside on about day four; everyone was going into town so Jim and I finagled our way into staying at the house alone. We figured it should give us a couple of hours to try and break in. Neither one of us knew how to pick a lock but Jim did see a show once on television were they opened a lock with just a paperclip so we figured if it was on television it must work. We worked with that paperclip for the whole two hours, jiggling it this way and that, but with absolutely no luck; that lock would not open. We knew we had only one option left, we had to steal the keys and we only had three days left to do it.
Our big break came on day seven, the day we were scheduled to leave. Everyone was going into town that morning for one last time, again Jim and I stayed behind. Just before everyone left I saw my Uncle drop his keys into the top desk drawer in his office the same office that the closet was located in, this was our chance, we were finally going to get a look at what was behind that door. I removed the key from the desk, my hand was shaking as I placed it into the lock, slowly I turned and the lock clicked open. We both took a deep breath as I turned the handle, we were about to get a look at that money and those dead bodies he had hidden in there. I swung the door open and our jaws dropped, our eyes widened we couldn't believe what we saw, staring us straight in the face was a seventy inch flat screen plasma television connected not only to a ps3 but an Xbox 360 also. It wasn't a closet but an entire game room. We were in shock, we spent this entire week kicking about in the fresh air and using our imaginations when all the while there were mind numbing video games and television under the same roof we were sleeping under. I know one thing for sure, next year I’m not waiting till the day I go home to get inside there, you see before we left that day I happened to slip the extra key to the room in my pocket, like I said before neither Jim nor I know how to pick a lock.

hillwalker
11-09-2012, 07:12 AM
Good opening paragraph - enough to hook most readers. But you almost blow it in paragraph 2 - almost 200 words explaining you're from the city and find Uncle Jim's place boring.

The story only picks up the pace again at the line 'Jim and I took a walk around the property...'. You could delete what precedes that and the reader would be no worse off because you can mention the baseball equipment, bicycles and fishing gear as the tale unravels.

I loved the twist but you might consider tightening this. You repeat certain words rather too often - 'the closet' in particular. And the logistics of the plot could do with a rethink. If the keys were in that drawer all along why didn't you 'borrow' them right at the start? There needs to be a greater sense of tension leading up to taking them out of the drawer. And taking the spare key? Which spare key? Again it didn't make sense that you could get away with stealing it - if it was that easy why all the fuss leading up to the final scene?

One final thought. Why did Uncle Jim keep these all locked away? Presumably he assumed the boys would have more fun trying to find ways to get inside the closet than they would playing around with what was in there. To shift this tale up a notch you could replace the closet with a hut hidden away in the woods so they really have to get their hands dirty and learn to appreciate the outdoors... so that by the time they open the shed they realise there's more fun to be had in the outdoors than through playing computer games anyway. Just a thought.

But overall I enjoyed the read. It's well written and you show great potential for this kind of material. One other bit of advice. It's not easy reading such a dense block of text on-screen. Try making your paragraphs smaller and putting white space between each one like I have with this feedback.

H

sarah.nichole
11-09-2012, 11:25 AM
This was a fun way to take the prompt that you used.

One thing for me was that some of your sentences are MUCH too long. They need to be broken up in to shorter ones, or some words could be taken out altogether. my main example would be this:
The problem with both of those plans was one; we had no idea where we would get all the tools we needed, and two; even if we had the tools we wouldn’t know how to operate them, let’s face it we were a couple of city boys raised on video games and television the only way we were going to get into that closet was to pick the lock or steal the keys and neither one of us knew how to pick a lock.

I would write this sentence as such:
Unfortunately, we had two problems either way. One; we didn't have the right tools and two; even if we had the tools, we wouldn't know how to use them. We were city boys; raised on video games and television. The only way we would succeed would be to pick the lock or steal the keys and neither of us knew how to pick a lock.

You just need to trim the fat, so to speak, and this could be much more enjoyable than it already was.
:)

JackCharles
11-10-2012, 12:18 PM
Thank you both for the feedback. This is just the type of information I have been looking for. I now have a better understanding of where I need to go from here. I am happy that you enjoyed the story.

Steven Hunley
11-10-2012, 02:31 PM
This was a good entertaining story with a great hook opening. But as Sarah noted, the paragraphs are much too long. This may not be apparent on paper, but on a screen it's the case. Breaking it up will make it easier to read. Also, try varying the length of the sentences too. Sentence length variations give the reader more variety when reading, and make it easier to go along. Yes. Imagine you're riding in a car- and when you look out the window, all you see is an unvarying countryside. It could be endless sandunes, or lakes dotting green fields, but after a while, no matter how far you drive, it's always the same. After a while, no matter what it looks like, even if it's beautiful, it gets tedious, and boring, and as a result, puts you to sleep. Imagine sentences are your field of vision on a page. Give your readers a little variety. I liked how you gave the twist at the end, and how it reflected the imagination of youth, versus the reality of maturity. Good job.