I flew into the real world!

[krishna_lit]

I was freed from my repressive cage and I was
Excited to watch the real world out there;


I flew to the countries, in there was war,
And, I flew to the city, in there was betrayal;

I flew to the people, in them was fear,
And, I flew to the neighborhood, in there was distress;

I flew to the forests, in them were terrorists,
And, I flew to the Capital, in there were exploiters;

I flew to a temple, in there was religion,
But not the God;
I flew to a house, in there was obligation,
But not the relation;


Realizing this is how the world is,
I flew back into my cage, disheartened.

[qimissung]

I like this, Krishna. It's very sad to think that the repressed person can find nothing of good or joy in this world.

Oh, don't forget that you're only supposed to post one poem per day in the Personal Poetry thread. :)

[krishna_lit]

I like this, Krishna. It's very sad to think that the repressed person can find nothing of good or joy in this world.

Oh, don't forget that you're only supposed to post one poem per day in the Personal Poetry thread. :)

Thank you :) and ok only one peom from now on, if at all.

[Clovis]

I like this poem. It is both cynical and true. But there is still a great easiness and ease with the language that doesn't make it too grueling or brooding, this is the best thing about it. Very well done!

[blazeofglory]

How you have illustrated a great truth. We want to escape the present reality but the escapade has been paying, for wherever there are humans. Man and wolf are one and the same inside though man wears the outer of humanity

[krishna_lit]

I like this poem. It is both cynical and true. But there is still a great easiness and ease with the language that doesn't make it too grueling or brooding, this is the best thing about it. Very well done!

Thank you so much :)

[Hawkman]

Hello K_l. Something which bothers me a little about your work is that you seem to be only exhibiting one device, that of rhetorical repetition, and that is employed on what seems to be a single theme, a philisophical/theological focus, which leaves the reader feeling he's being preached at. The repetetive rehtoric leaves on feeling as though one is being harangued. The theme of "the world's a nasty place and it depresses me" is a rather tired one, and a poem that effectively just says it over and over, doesn't really do much for me I'm afraid. Try to be a little more inventive in your use of language. Paint pictures for the reader, and try not to spell out the "author's message" with such bluntness. A little variety in style and subject would go a long way.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

It is indeed very 'preachy' - you're placing yourself almost on a pedestal as the authority on what the world is really like behind the mask of normality, but it's too one-sided a view. And revealing a 'truth' about the world is hardly original or a sign of enlightenment - why should we assume you know more about 'the real world' than we do?

The fact that 'you' (the writer of this poem) see only the darker side of life everywhere doesn't necessarily make it fact.

However, I happen to think it's a well-crafted piece and I like the metaphor of escaping the cage - then returning in search of security. A harsh lesson that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

But writing about abstract concepts takes talent since most 'ideas' have already been written about many, many times. Unless you can bring something new to the table you're merely following in someone else's footsteps.

I assume this is not strictly autobiographical so we don't get to see anything through your eyes - rather, your observations seem to be filtered through a rather fine net that allows very little of your own feelings to slip through. There's nothing here to show us how you came to take such a pessimistic view on life so ultimately you're ringing the doorbell then running away.

H

[blazeofglory]

It is a point of view, and everybody has one. The poet is not unjust in putting forth his own perspective. The poet did not assert his authority on the topic he wrote, and he justifiably presenting things from his lens, not necessarily to persuade anyone to have a take on that

[krishna_lit]

Try to be a little more inventive in your use of language. Paint pictures for the reader, and try not to spell out the "author's message" with such bluntness. A little variety in style and subject would go a long way.


Thank you very much for the clear review Hawkman, it'll be of very good help for my next works.. :)


It is indeed very 'preachy' - you're placing yourself almost on a pedestal as the authority on what the world is really like behind the mask of normality, but it's too one-sided a view. And revealing a 'truth' about the world is hardly original or a sign of enlightenment - why should we assume you know more about 'the real world' than we do?

The fact that 'you' (the writer of this poem) see only the darker side of life everywhere doesn't necessarily make it fact.

However, I happen to think it's a well-crafted piece and I like the metaphor of escaping the cage - then returning in search of security. A harsh lesson that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

But writing about abstract concepts takes talent since most 'ideas' have already been written about many, many times. Unless you can bring something new to the table you're merely following in someone else's footsteps.

I assume this is not strictly autobiographical so we don't get to see anything through your eyes - rather, your observations seem to be filtered through a rather fine net that allows very little of your own feelings to slip through. There's nothing here to show us how you came to take such a pessimistic view on life so ultimately you're ringing the doorbell then running away.

H

Thank you so much hillwalker for ur posting your perspective. And, I really didn't mean it to be preachy, and it's not autobiographical at all, I don't scorn the world so much at all... I'm 22 and I am learning to write better for my it's dream to become a great writer.. and your reviews will always be support for me to hone my weaknesses. Thank you very much :)

[krishna_lit]

The poet did not assert his authority on the topic he wrote, and he justifiably presenting things from his lens, not necessarily to persuade anyone to have a take on that

Hi blazeofglory, yes I didn't mean at all to assert my authority in those lines.. i just wrote some lines about one side of the incidents that we usually get to see in normal lives. My true perspective(off the record of those lines) is: Bird is meant to fly to far away place in search of true happiness rather than go back to the cage, because that is why it is gifted with wings And, Thank u very much for ur support :) :)

[qimissung]

I understand what hillwalker and Hawkman are saying, but I didn't find this preachy. Preachy is saying you should do this or that. This is simply someone's point of view. There are few themes in literature at this point that aren't relatively tired.

[krishna_lit]

I understand what hillwalker and Hawkman are saying, but I didn't find this preachy. Preachy is saying you should do this or that. This is simply someone's point of view. There are few themes in literature at this point that aren't relatively tired.

Yes, I wansn't preaching at all, I don't preach, who am I to do that, isn't it? And, yes you're right that it was just my point of view... Thank you for your response :)

[Clovis]

^ Even if it is preachy, so what? A great many writers and poets I'm sure have had an agenda, just being a little cynical. :biggrin5:

[Delta40]

If it was written in third person, the author may not have been asked about preachiness or authority.

[krishna_lit]

If it was written in third person, the author may not have been asked about preachiness or authority.

Oh! Is it? Will try it next time. Thank you so much for the info. :)