captivating wordsmithery

[Sampson]

Hello lovely Lit-Net types (: I went on a poetry binge this evening, and after all the wonderful, creative, sometimes genius wordsmithery I found myself compelled to write... Equally, I had a rather odd evening... Well, weekend. Anyway, what with all that I wrote one just for you guys. I hope you like it, and I'm interested to hear opinions as its still very rough!


***

living a poetic cliche
smoking cigarettes
outside a train station
reciting verses in the rain

but it's always been that way
just like when we
drank champagne
in an underpass

on reflection
it's a dark past
but this evening
we found ourselves
raising a glass
in chain operated bar
in liverpool street
and we laughed

exasperated existentialists
empiricists who met at auschwitz
of all places
and years later
we find ourselves
discussing hegel
just off brick lane
freezing
at an outside table
clutching desperados
in plastic

the fact is
the universe
may just be
essentially
erratic

but i will always
love london
in november

[Hawkman]

Hi Sampson. Well it certainly sounds as though it was an interesting evening ;) Actually I rather like this poem, it has a stamp of authenticity, (even if it isn't :D) such surreal moments, I find, do occur, and this captures one rather well. There are a couple of things you might want to look at, though. The tense, like your universe, seems a little erratic. I'd recommend sticking with present.

e.g.

"...and years later
we find ourselves..."

"...and we laugh"

this bit:

"in chain operated bar
in liverpool street"

is a bit clumsy as well as missing an indifinite article which you really need. Try:

"in a franchise bar
on liverpool street"

in S4: the repetition of, "we found ourselves" is unnecessary, just cut the line.

"...and years later
discuss hegel
just off brick lane
freezing
at an outside table...

Unfortuantely, without punctuation,

"...clutching desperados
in plastic"

reads as though you are holding deperados in plastic, which threw me a bit.

I'm not a fan of poems in the "Archie" style, un captilalised and un punctuated, as if typed by a cockroach who can't depress the shift key and the letter at the same time :D It isn't really contemporary verse, as presenting work this way is an early 20th Century device. For me it's just old hat. But tastes vary I guess. I still enjoyed the poem :)

Live and be well - H

[cacian]

I love this very much. A lovely piece of poetry.
Brick Lane and Liverpool Street are my hub. They are only up the road from me.
I agree London in November is beautiful. In fact London is a city of beautiful things.

[hallaig]

I like this, quick rush of fresh air, though

exasperated existentialists
empiricists who met at auschwitz

seems contrived and breaks the stream?

[hillwalker]

I agree with hallaig - an interesting read, but the two lines in question appear to have been inserted as a token stab at alliteration and internalised rhyme - not in keeping with the rest of the imagery or the subtle conversational style.

The title's rather a mouthful as well.

H

[blazeofglory]

Hello lovely Lit-Net types (: I went on a poetry binge this evening, and after all the wonderful, creative, sometimes genius wordsmithery I found myself compelled to write... Equally, I had a rather odd evening... Well, weekend. Anyway, what with all that I wrote one just for you guys. I hope you like it, and I'm interested to hear opinions as its still very rough!


***

living a poetic cliche
smoking cigarettes
outside a train station
reciting verses in the rain

but it's always been that way
just like when we
drank champagne
in an underpass

on reflection
it's a dark past
but this evening
we found ourselves
raising a glass
in chain operated bar
in liverpool street
and we laughed

exasperated existentialists
empiricists who met at auschwitz
of all places
and years later
we find ourselves
discussing hegel
just off brick lane
freezing
at an outside table
clutching desperados
in plastic

the fact is
the universe
may just be
essentially
erratic

but i will always
love london
in november

This poem has the dept I cannot fathom. I wish I had this aptitude. I will have to work hard to learn the grandeur of this poem.

[Bar22do]

Sampson, I enjoyed reading this a lot; my preferred passage

the fact is
the universe
may just be
essentially
erratic

it could almost be a poem in its own right (imo).

I too would prefer another title and agree with hallaig and hill re the two lines.

Thanks for sharing the spell of this evening!