Invitation to a Drowning

[miyako73]

The lingering scent of salt
Draws me towards the sea,
The shore of white sand
Where the wind kisses
The cheeks, the willing lips
That can never foretell.

I wait for the big waves
Kissed by the dancing sun,
The swallows that come
Before the end of fall,
The iron ship that floats
Like a hard, lifeless body.

If you ask again and again,
Where I myself have been
Or what I have been up to,
I will tell you about the waves
Kissing the sun-bathing swallows,
About the sand holding my feet.

[Twota]

it's beautiful :3

[hillwalker]

Love the title - and most of what follows. There's always something hypnotic about sea poetry - the elemental force of nature and how it can make us slaves to it.

Personally I would consider moving 'The cheeks' from the beginning of line 5 to the end of line 4 to enable a more natural line break.

And I'm not sure about
'Where myself have been'
The word 'myself' is out of place unless you meant to write 'I myself' (but better perhaps to just write 'I').

An enjoyable read all the same.

H

[miyako73]

Thanks, Hill. I felt there was something missing. "I" was it. I felt "myself' connoted certainty and being alone and that the poem was a real experience of the writer, thus, it should be included. Thanks for reading.