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Jerrybaldy
11-03-2012, 08:37 PM
Evening; sitting at home with a cold sausage roll, pea soup outside the windowpane. The 8.43 to Glasgow rattling the tea cups on hooks above the blue washed dresser. Bone china waiting for the talkative lips of visitors uninvited.

‘Who’s a pretty boy?’ asks Chalky from his cage. I am not in a conversational mood. Chalky understands. He returns to preening in front of his pink plastic mirror. Rings the bell with his beak.

A church bell tolls in the distance. I move from the sofa. A wayward spring announces my departure. I walk to the bedroom.

She is lying on her side of the bed. Foetal position. I kiss her forehead and go the kitchen. I turn on the gas and then hunt for the matchbox. A blue explosion burns the hair from my fingers when I finally strike. The familiar smell of gas and burning finger hair.

The kettle whistles as the 9.02 to Manchester clatters over its rails. I peer from the window to see the illuminated carriages streak by. Men in suits fail to glance from their newspapers to notice how I watch them pass through the fog of the night.

I carry her cup of tea. Not the bone china. A Japanese print plain old china. A wedding present from Uncle Reg. Milky tea leaf steam mists my glasses.

Whistling ‘Polly put the kettle on’ I enter the bedroom. This is an age old tradition that used to make us smile. I place the cup beside the three others.

I undress, whilst changing my tune to ‘Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye’. I slide into the bed. She feels colder still tonight.

‘Goodnight dear’.

Only the 9.15 to Derby breaks the silence.

Hawkman
11-04-2012, 06:46 AM
A nice macabre little tale JB. You might want to edit "led on her side of the bed" to, "lying on her side of the bed" though. The only other thing which made me balk a bit was the late reference to the time of day. When reading I assumed that it was daytime at the start, so the sudden reference to the fog of the night pulled me up short. You might have wanted to indicate the length of time he was sitting there I suppose, but the style is too abbreviated for this to come accross clearly without an earlier mention of time of day. Oh and "the wayward spring" would be better as' "a wayward spring." There has been no mention of any spring up to now so the definite article is inappropriate.

So not much to moan about really. The clipped style worked very well for the most part, kind of echoing your first post in the poetry forum. That one really made an impression! Lol

Live and be well - H

Delta40
11-04-2012, 06:54 AM
Eek! What dark passages in your mind have you been wandering down? Totally agree with Hawks summation. You spelled laid incorrectly too but otherwise a tasty morsel that upset my decomposure...

hillwalker
11-04-2012, 07:15 AM
Until you mention 'placing the cup beside the three others' we're daring to hope that all is well enough in the circumstances.
A very subtle and disturbing vignette of growing old and losing one's grip on reality.
I agree with Hawk - like your poetry, it has the trademark touch of the banal and the terrifying.

H

Steven Hunley
11-05-2012, 02:00 AM
This behavior is probably not as uncommon and bizarre as we might suspect. Like how the train times tack it together too.

Jerrybaldy
11-05-2012, 04:33 AM
Thanks Hawk, I have made the corrections that you suggested (what with you being right and all :)) and have tightened it up some more. Very impressed you remember my first poem, I remember you being one of the first to comment :)

Thanks Delta, sorry to upset your decomposure.......

Thanks Hill, nicely put and I like your summary of the banal with the terrifying.

Thanks Steven, I suspect you are right that this happens more than we think.

Thank you all for commenting.
JB

Hawkman
11-05-2012, 06:21 AM
Hi JB. I see you've addressed my quibble over the time, but I'm afraid you haven't done it in the best possible way. The thing is, people don't usually refer to train times by time of day i.e. pm/am, and you aren't consistant anyway. No, the best way to indicate time of day is just to say "evening." I'd make this the first word of the piece. It would almost read like a slugline in a screenplay:

"Evening; sitting at home with a cold sausage roll, pea soup outside the windowpane." (Windowpane is one word btw.) This is more in keeping with the general style of the piece. Actually, I'm almost disappointed that he hasn't been sitting there all day ;)

Who could forget your first poem :D

Live long and prosper - H

Jerrybaldy
11-05-2012, 07:52 AM
You are right again, Hawk, thanks.

AuntShecky
11-05-2012, 10:14 PM
It starts out like a slice of life, includes a cute interlude with the parrot (your auntie adores parrot jokes, by the bye), and ends very, very strangely-- like a post-mod "A Rose for Emily."

Writing choppy sentence frags in the present tense-- usually dreadful, but somehow you manage to pull it off here.

Hawkman
11-06-2012, 08:43 AM
I owe you an apology JB. I've just checked and it was your third poem, "Three Days" which I was thinking of. The preceding two were very good by the way, but "Three Days" has kind of stayed with me :D

Labw - H