Unimpressed

[Jerrybaldy]

Sometimes I act when all alone,
though I doubt I am impressed
by the person
I pretend to be.
Frankly I see straight through,
all that the mirror can see.
I thought that I loved the other day
unconvincingly,
when I checked,
I was wondering
just what she thought of me.
I wink at my children
as some day some bugger
will wink at them and they
will think of daddy.
If I should die a martyr,
it should be to save,
some useless bastard,
that I would hate to be.

[AuntShecky]

Well, I'm not "unimpressed" with this. I am impressed by its flash or two of insight, following the philosopher's dictum, "Know thyself." Your short piece reminds me very much of what I heard on the telly the other day (in a political context, which I know we're not supposed to broach on the LitNet), but the pundit said, "Character is what you are when nobody's looking."

Assuming that the "I" of the poem and the poet himself are the same guy, I'd said they both show aspects of good character.

One tiny crit.-- lose the comma after "save," as it separates the verb from its object.

[Sampson]

This is a very powerful, succinct and well-rounded verse in my opinion!

[Twota]

I love it so much.

"Frankly I see straight through,
all that the mirror can see. "

was awesome.

[Hawkman]

I'd also remove the comma after through at the end of L 5 which creates an unnatural pause, interrupting the flow of the lines. Apart from that I'd have to agree that it's pretty good. You do need a comma after "loved", though, in L7. as it is it reads as if you thought you loved the day, not hat you just, "loved", and you need one after day as well, so that "unconvincingly" functions as a subordinate modifier. not sure if you need the comma after the word, though, as "unconvincingly when I checked," would also work, I think. The trouble is that around these lines:

"I thought that I loved the other day
unconvincingly,
when I checked,
I was wondering
just what she thought of me."

could be better punctuated. It would work best like this:

"I thought that I loved the other day,
unconvincingly
when I checked.
I was wondering
just what she thought of me."

Oh, and I agree with Auntie about the comma after "save".

Nice one, though, JB.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Nice. And I find

I wink at my children
as some day some bugger
will wink at them and they
will think of daddy.


really charming.

[Haunted]

What a closer. the last four lines are killer!