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krishna_lit
11-01-2012, 11:20 AM
An old man’s waiting!

An elderly man, who seemed to have reached the end of his life was walking on the cliff of a large mountain. His heart was filled with past and his mind was buzzing with thoughts of what he was about to do.

He slowly approached the edge of a cliff, clutching his heart that held the most cumbersome thing of his life, regret.

His life’s regret was that he could but did not do anything worthwhile with his life, he always waited for doing, without actually doing. This he did until he became as old as he was today. Now, he regrets for waiting all along and making his life reach an end, rather than reach a destiny.

He started to speak some words, with punishing pain that laid covert in his entire lifetime.

“I spent my time sitting and waiting for a change in myself,

like a drought land,
waiting for the rainfall,

like poor wet clothes in the chilly winters,
waiting for a slightest Sunrise,

like a coward,
waiting for the death to take him away from his problems,

like a beggar,
waiting for the alms from the passersby,

like a fish in a fouled pond,
waiting there just to stay alive,

like a dried-out tree,
waiting for a lumberjack to cut it down,

like a dead body,
waiting for the clemency, and to leave the world.”


He broke down into tears by saying these words. He moved forward to jump off the cliff, but stood there for a moment and said to himself, “If only I can have just one more chance to live my life!” Saying this he threw himself off that highest cliff…..!




A young man suddenly woke up in his bed, startled at the dream he just had. He instantly understood why he got such a dream. It’s a call for his life.

Written by: Krishna Kanth (Me)


<<<Reviews plz>>>

sarah.nichole
11-02-2012, 04:27 PM
There's too many words in some of your sentences, they seem jumbled and are hard to follow.

The biggest example of this is the fourth paragraph:
His life’s regret was that he could but did not do anything worthwhile with his life, he always waited for doing, without actually doing. This he did until he became as old as he was today. Now, he regrets for waiting all along and making his life reach an end, rather than reach a destiny.

How I read this in my head, so that it makes sense is:
He regretted that he had done nothing worthwhile with his life. He had always been a watcher, not a doer, until he was too old to do anything at all. Now he regrets that he didn't reach his full potential.

You use the word life (or a form of it) too many times. I counted 9, which is a lot for such a short piece of work. Try to think of another way to put it.

I feel like the poem part goes on a little long. All that I get out of it is, again, that he was always waiting and not doing.

Overall, try to avoid overwriting. I think that's a problem that a lot of us have. We want to make it sound deep and thought provoking, but we just end up confusing our readers. I know I've made this mistake before.

Keep posting! :)

Mawaya-No-Kami
11-02-2012, 08:27 PM
I enjoyed the over all idea but I must agree with sarah.nicole when she says that you used variations of 'life' a few too many times in such a short piece, even 'regret' too closely together.

krishna_lit
11-03-2012, 01:09 AM
There's too many words in some of your sentences, they seem jumbled and are hard to follow.

Overall, try to avoid overwriting. I think that's a problem that a lot of us have. We want to make it sound deep and thought provoking, but we just end up confusing our readers. I know I've made this mistake before.



I'm a guy who is learning to write well. Thank you so much for the review Sarah, it'll help me better my next works... :)

krishna_lit
11-03-2012, 01:11 AM
I enjoyed the over all idea but I must agree with sarah.nicole when she says that you used variations of 'life' a few too many times in such a short piece, even 'regret' too closely together.

Yeah I ended up using the 'life' word too many times.. :( I keep doing it whenever I try to write something related to it, can u plz suggest me other words that i can use in these kinda contexts...

hillwalker
11-03-2012, 06:18 AM
How to stop repeating yourself? Simple - get a Thesaurus which gives alternatives to most words. Also you can trim this down by taking out those sentences that say very little and looking at ways of avoiding the same phrases appearing over and over again:

An old man’s waiting!

An elderly man was walking along a cliff-top. He reflected on the past as his mind buzzed with thoughts of what he was about to do.

He slowly approached the edge of the cliff, his heart filled with remorse.

He regretted doing nothing worthwhile with his life. He was accustomed to waiting rather than acting. Now his life had reach its end rather than its destiny.

“I spent my time sitting and waiting for a change...

... He broke down into tears as he spoke these words. He was prepared to throw himself off the cliff, but stood there for a moment and said to himself, “If only I can have just one more chance!” Saying this he jumped...

A young man suddenly woke up in his bed, startled by his nightmare. Now he understood. The dream was a call to live life to the full.

H