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DieterM
10-31-2012, 05:32 AM
Darkness tiptoes down the cobbled lane,
slithers over stones and weeping cobwebs,
shakes ghostly hands before her windows,
slides through the keyhole of her front door
and settles like a mourning nightgown
on her skinny shoulders, on her sagging skin.
With weary, bloodshot eyes, she gazes over
the sombre realm outside where streetlamps
bite with acid blandness into cotton fogs
and chew on undressed trees.
She chews, as well, on memories
piled up around her rocking chair
like dusty books she’s read a thousand times.
The frozen mirror in her back, gone blind with age,
reflects the languid candlelight that shines
and flickers through the solidly black room.
Her cold, rheumatic fingers tremble
while trying to untangle grey and plaited hair,
but finally give up. She feels too far away
for sighs and sobs, feels beyond life.
The butcher’s knife bearing her name
falls to the floor. She reaches up
and paints her withering face with liquid makeup
and clotting lipstick. Her last date
is waiting in the fog.

Hawkman
10-31-2012, 08:31 AM
This is a really strong poem, Dieter. A couple of things though. As you don't seem to be adhereing to a particular syllable count per line, you could put: "She chews, as well," on its own line. "Rheumy" as 'Rheumatic' is archaic as the primary use of the word these days refers to a mucas discharge. So it's fine to say "rheumy eyes" but when applied to fingers it makes them sound really disgusting - lol. Try this:

"Her cold rheumatic fingers tremble
as they try to untangle grey and plaited hair,"

I thing the last line would be better:

"Her last date is waiting in the fog."

Making Fog singular gives the line more impact as I feel that last word needs finality. For this reason I'd drop the ellipsis too.

there is some wonderful expression in this piece. In particular,

"...where streetlamps
bite with acid blandness into cotton fogs
and chew on undressed trees."

Fabulous.

always a pleasure to read you.

Live and be well - H

Bar22do
10-31-2012, 04:21 PM
Impressive. Beautiful language and resulting atmosphere.
This poem goes straight to the Favorites!

DieterM
11-02-2012, 04:37 AM
Thanks a lot, Hawkman - your feedbacks are always very constructive. Had that nagging feeling about "rheumy" myself but didn't know why. Now I do know. Thanks a lot!

DieterM
11-02-2012, 04:39 AM
Thanks a lot, Bar22do! And you did put it straight in the Favorites thread - thanks for that, too, I feel very much honoured!