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peachmangofuzz
10-30-2012, 10:18 AM
critique and enjoy.

Laney made teary eyes at the sight of papa’s goings. It was weekend travel, field work for the many he supposed. Before jetting to the car seat, his wife Petunia came scurrying over, she seemed disheveled and muddy from last night’s sudden snowfall, barely managing her ill-kempt hair, swaying fuzzy robe, and midnight kitten slippers. She looked good despite the house wife vestige.
“Take your damn hooker’s panties, they aren’t mine and stop convincing me otherwise!”
“You better watch your mouth Petunia, or you’ll get it one day.”
“Bite me, Jacky-boy.”
He drove bitterly out the front drive way, in to the slush and road and went north. The radio ran its weather report. 4 to 6 inches of snow it says, he doubted it. Along the free-way Jack spoke aloud. “Why oh why is it always me? The thieving, conniving moron never has the faintest idea that maybe I’m innocent, maybe I actually give a crap.”
Nothing was to be seen through the haze of iced crust on the wind shields except for the radiating office lights of Patchmen and Co. He was never too thrilled working there, especially now that he’s expected to speak at a conference center right near it for his leisurely days.
Renting a room was a first priority he supposed, and he went for the quickest fix he could grab... “Uhh, yeah can you guys just give me two nights, also is there a continental breakfast?” curiously fixated on stuffing himself with cinnamon buns and coffee flavored water. “Yes, okay thanks (hangs up). The Aurora Inn it is then.”
Morning came and went, it was close to three and he was getting hungry, it was that special odd hour of the day. With a 1993 Ford bronco, Jack stopped by a local smoothie energy shop, he had a special fruity, almost yogi nature inside of him despite his less gauntly idiosyncrasies.
Walking in the Groovy Blue berry, Jack seemed unfit for the environment. There were too many Green-Peace collegiate in the corner sipping on the latest enlightened flavor and of course avoiding the listed price, opting for a more adequate based-on-smoothie-ness rate. A dirty tambourine boy bounced and walloped according to his vivacious technique, and a blind ancient poet hummed while his pet companion rolled on the kaleidoscopic marijuana leaf rug.
He siphoned a couple of dollar coins out of his rear pocket, and he managed to get the exact price, it really saved a couple of seconds staring down at that beautiful yet intimidating counter girl with the gold lip piercing transposed on that pink puffed up labia.
Sipping on a blackberry, wheatgrass, and almond concoction, he began to recall how George Harrison (the spiritual- Beatle) once believed in everything being attached to everything else; it was how he discovered a weeping instrument. He couldn't feel further apart from the transfixed world and the ungainly rash he’d given his wife on that fateful night. He heard the swallows flapping their loveless wings and felt incomplete at the break of silence. A car rang its horn and Jack realized his position on the road. The front lights faced the Wallkill River, and he was just by the bridge when he peevishly began flirting with fate.
Against his wife’s wishes, against his family, or for whatever he knew, Jack pressed on the gas. The tires screeched while the vehicle accelerated forward. Perched on an inclination, however, a mother had fallen asleep while waiting for the local transit. The mother was also holding on to her baby boy’s carriage. It rolled faster than his Bronco, and just in the nick of time, Jack almost felt responsible.

hillwalker
10-30-2012, 07:25 PM
I did enjoy - there's some cracking writing hidden away in this piece. I say hidden away because some of the more convoluted sentences left me floundering. I'll comment as I read through again:

'field work for the many he supposed' - means what? And who's he?
If it's Laney then you have a pov problem because the entire piece is written from Jack's viewpoint. Jack can't possibly know what Laney supposes. If it's Jack I still don't know what you mean.

I love the dialogue. '...your damn hooker's panties' provides a wealth of back-story without the tiresome detail so many would insist on feeding us.

He was never too thrilled working there, especially now that he’s expected to speak at a conference center right near it for his leisurely days.
You change verb tense half way through for some reason. And I don't understand the underlined bit.

I liked the humour of the room-rental episode.

Some of your sentences tend to ramble because you're using commas instead of full-stops to control what you're writing. The style doesn't always help the reader navigate:

e.g. Morning came and went [,] it was close to three and he was getting hungry [,] it was that special odd hour of the day. With a 1993 Ford bronco, Jack stopped by a local smoothie energy shop [,] he had a special fruity, almost yogi nature inside of him despite his less gauntly idiosyncrasies.
and I'm not sure how you can describe idiosyncrasies with an adverb - did you mean 'gaunt'?

I really like the sentence beginning 'A dirty tambourine boy...' but the one before it was too hard to swallow let alone digest.

An ambitious piece of work that succeeds 95% of the time to hold our attention and even intrigue us. I'd be happy to see more on here.

H

Steven Hunley
10-30-2012, 08:00 PM
This was a great introductory piece. It never faltered. The dialogue moved the piece along well. It seemed just right mix of description, dialogue and narration. Well done.

peachmangofuzz
10-30-2012, 11:22 PM
@hillwalker 'field work for the many he supposed' - means what? And who's he?

Well at the time I wrote it, I didn't think too much of it. The protagonist (Jack) is traveling north for the weekend because there's an event being held by his job (whatever it may be). The sentence wasn't meant to add much to this fact, it was a simple stream of thought the character conjured up. "He", is Jack, and throughout the story, the pov is constantly about Jack, not Laney. Laney is meant to be his 4 or 5 year old child.

He was never too thrilled working there, especially now that he’s expected to speak at a conference center right near it for his leisurely days.

This was carelessness on my part. "Leisurely days" is just to express his apathy for going to work on a weekend.

"Some of your sentences tend to ramble because you're using commas instead of full-stops to control what you're writing."

It's a tendency of mine to do this. Hopefully I'll grow out of it soon, gah.

"An ambitious piece of work that succeeds 95% of the time to hold our attention and even intrigue us. I'd be happy to see more on here."

I'm happy to hear you were intrigued, despite my grammar, prose and indigestible sentence structuring. Thanks for not being fully intolerant, hah.

@ Steven Hunley Glad to hear you enjoyed it, hopefully the next time around I'll be sharper, thanks!