Her Wish

[Twota]

We stare at each other,
her right eye reflects
a different dimension,
while the left eye socket
threatens to pull me in,
I know what she wants;
I spit on my thumb,
stamp it in my palm
and wish her a new eye ball.
She tilts her head and
moves slowly towards me,
rubs herself and purrs,
and before I can pat her head
she miaows and disappears.

[qimissung]

It's about a cat; therefore I like it. Oooh, and I lurve your avatar!

[Hawkman]

Yes, this was a lot of fun with a nice volta. The only thing I would dare to criticize is "eye hole" it just reads oddly. Socket would be an acceptable alternative, I think.

To all the puddyphiles out there, I heartily recommend Simon's Cat on Youtube. If you google him he even has his own website :D

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

her right eye reflects
a different dimension,

very nice Twota!

[hillwalker]

I don't really follow the logic that if it's about a cat it must be good.

BUT it's not bad at all. It starts interestingly - though I agree with Hawkman that 'eye hole' is a poor choice of phrase.
I wasn't sure what spitting on the thumb had to do with what went before - it put me in mind of someone sketching a cat and using the wet thumb to wipe away a dab of paint in order to 'wish her a new eye ball'.

Unfortunately the last 5 lines deflate the entire poem - introducing banality where none is necessary.

H

[Twota]

It's about a cat; therefore I like it. Oooh, and I lurve your avatar!

qimissung, thanks alot :D CATS ARE AWESOME.:cheers2:


Yes, this was a lot of fun with a nice volta. The only thing I would dare to criticize is "eye hole" it just reads oddly. Socket would be an acceptable alternative, I think.

To all the puddyphiles out there, I heartily recommend Simon's Cat on Youtube. If you google him he even has his own website :D

Live and be well - H

Hawk, thanks much, I will edit it now :3 and thanks for "Simon's cat", I thought it would be a real cat but found it just as good, watched all of them :3


her right eye reflects
a different dimension,

very nice Twota!

Thaanks Deltaa, glad you liked it. :3


I don't really follow the logic that if it's about a cat it must be good.

BUT it's not bad at all. It starts interestingly - though I agree with Hawkman that 'eye hole' is a poor choice of phrase.
I wasn't sure what spitting on the thumb had to do with what went before - it put me in mind of someone sketching a cat and using the wet thumb to wipe away a dab of paint in order to 'wish her a new eye ball'.

Unfortunately the last 5 lines deflate the entire poem - introducing banality where none is necessary.

H

hillwalker said "it's not bad at all." I should save this hahah :D thanks alot hill :3 and well, it's an american superstition that when you see a one eyed cat, you should spit on your thumb and stamp it in your palm and make a wish for it will come true, I hope that doesn't make you think less of it. :cheers2:

[hillwalker]

No - it makes more sense now!

[Cioran]

I agree that you should remove the last five lines. Then it becomes more cryptic and hence more poetical.

[Twota]

Thanks for reading and commenting Cioran :D I am still not sure about removing the last 5 lines tho :/

[qimissung]

It was supposed to be a humorous comment, Hillwalker, for those who have a sense of humor. Or who like cats. :D

I'm American. I actually was not aware of that superstition. Thanks for the info.

[Twota]

lololol, I am sure hill's comment was the same :D and about the info, I will send you a link for the site, it's all about cats, I am sure you're gonna love it.:cheers2:

[qimissung]

Possibly! :) Thanks for the link. Actually, I understand that less is more in poetry, but I don't think the last five lines are too much. After all, your wish was silent-SHE presumably didn't hear it, yet still you've made her happy. A mysterious quality still lurks...much like the cat herself.

Also, I do like it better with the word socket.

[Twota]

Yah! so be it, I am keeping the lines. :D

[hillwalker]

My catiness was indeed not meant to be taken seriously.
It's just that we have a member of our local writers' group who writes about nothing but her cats...
and all the comments are about how wonderful her pussies are rather than how crappily she writes.

Miaow indeed.

H

[Cioran]

Yah! so be it, I am keeping the lines. :D

Mistake. :nono:

Just read the poem in your mind without the last five lines and see how ethereal and enigmatic it becomes. Which is a lot of what poetry is. Don't give away the cat. Make readers wonder. Wander and wonder through the wastelands of literature.

[qimissung]

How about instead of saying "wish her a new eyeball" you just say "make a wish for her..." It sounds kind of bald without the last lines to me, rather than enigmatic.

[Bar22do]

I like your poem Twota. Would only suggest to find a more surprising/interesting ending, perhaps (only an ex) that for a moment we can believe the cat's right eye is able to perceive/follow something with 'this' dimension as a result of your good wish.. Thanks for sharing, Long live our soft, purring creatures!!

[Twota]

Thanks Bar, glad you like it :cheers2:

I will throw one last look on this poem and try to fix anything :D Thanks all. :grouphug:

[Hawkman]

What a lot of nonsense is being spouted about the the last five lines. This is an amusing poem about a cat with one eye, not a riddle. However, Twota, I would recommend puting a full-stop after eyeball. You also might want to change the tense of:

"and before I could pat her head" to "and before I can pat her head," as the poem is in present tense. The fact that the cat disappears does make me wonder if she's a Cheshire Cat though ;)

Live and be well - H

[Twota]

Thanks Hawk, I ll make the edits. :D

And I wrote that thinking of a Cheshire cat, that's true, also it's body wasn't visible. ;)