Fruit

[fairice]

Coarse flesh, blazing red
On oriental streams fed
From honeyed Eden born
In fiery hours shorn
Rounded, passionate flower
In wanting hands, won't you shower?

[fairice]

I would've posted this in my other thread, but I already titled that one with the singular. :( This one's less cryptic. :D

[Delta40]

I like some of the expressions but I really think it would read better in free verse. You give insight into your imagination and can do much more. The last line especially is forced to fit and makes little sense.

[fairice]

Thanks for the constructive criticism. It's much appreciated. :D And yeah, I agree that the last doesn't really hold up. It was kind of rushed.

[Xillus_Xavier]

Welcome to the board. I agree with Delta that it would be interesting to see this as freestyle. Drop the rhymes and ramp up the imagery. It should result in the poem being improved.

[Revolte]

Well, reading it out loud was much smoother then in my head. Personally I like how it reads. I would add italic to "passionate" though, only because that's how I read it.

Reminds me of an old wiccan verse.

With that said, I'm curious to see what you do with it, however I also like it as is.


Also, in disagreement with the others, I think the rhyme worked fine here.

[hillwalker]

The rhyme 'sounds' fine - but few of the lines make sense. That's the fundamental problem here. How can fruit be 'shorn' (?) in 'the fiery hour'? And the last line sounds as if it's inviting the reader to freshen up.

H