Truth (perhaps a little ambiguous)

[vicizmax]

I love writing poem commentaries, and have always wondered how others go about doing it.
Occasionally, I get a spur of energy to write a poem myself, and wonder if people can understand me, or what I am trying to portray, through it.
If you care to paraphrase it in the way you understand it, I would be pleased to hear your whiff of opinion!
Otherwise, simply enjoy :)

From a clip of her whip, from the dips of her brain
Came the sip of the strip of the sane truth train.
It flicked, it clicked, it refused to define,
So she ripped it to shreds, after drowning in wine.
Now she feels better, her heels snuggly fetter
Her feet, like a smothering sweater.
The morning gleams, her mind stream dreams,
Whilst the train to the Moon away steams;
She screams.

[vicizmax]

Some more... This is perhaps a little better organized :)
I would love to read some of your poems too, so feel free to post forum links if you feel my opinion towards your work could be of any value!
I love to analyse :D

Phoenix Moon.

I am the sun if you be the moon,
At the dong of noon, I'll sing a tune,
And my light may shine, but you I won’t find,
Clock strikes the hour, my brightness dies.
Then hoots the owl, night ashes rise.
Twinkling eyes see a phoenix fly;
It’s a ghost of the present, a ghost of the past,
Space is eternal yet time never lasts.

Comets smashing, leaving holes,
These are the motifs the phoenix holds.
Feathers’ a history, never to die
Yet dawn is upon us, so we say goodbye,
As back to the ashes, the ashes to dust
Out comes the sunshine, yet life feels unjust.
Gone is the phoenix, here is the sun,
In circles we go, this is where we’d begun.

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure what you mean by poem commentaries, unless you're referring to footnotes accompanying your poetry. Of course, any poem requiring a commentary as explanation has failed.

On this basis your first poem is nothing more than an exercise in internalised and end rhyme. It doesn't actually say anything - it's a mostly meaningless series of lines containing regular sounds. Not so much 'a little ambiguous' as impenetrable.

'Phoenix Moon' is a little better because there is some coherence of thought and expression. I'm not sure about 'the dong of noon' or why you might suddenly take it upon yourself to 'sing a tune'. I'm guessing that again you're trying to find words that rhyme rather than phrases that make sense or reveal your inner thoughts. There's not much here to stir the imagination I'm afraid.

I suggest you read as much poetry as you can to see how liberating it can be to discard rhyme in order to write what you really want to say.

H

[vicizmax]

I'm not sure what you mean by poem commentaries, unless you're referring to footnotes accompanying your poetry. Of course, any poem requiring a commentary as explanation has failed.

On this basis your first poem is nothing more than an exercise in internalised and end rhyme. It doesn't actually say anything - it's a mostly meaningless series of lines containing regular sounds. Not so much 'a little ambiguous' as impenetrable.

'Phoenix Moon' is a little better because there is some coherence of thought and expression. I'm not sure about 'the dong of noon' or why you might suddenly take it upon yourself to 'sing a tune'. I'm guessing that again you're trying to find words that rhyme rather than phrases that make sense or reveal your inner thoughts. There's not much here to stir the imagination I'm afraid.

I suggest you read as much poetry as you can to see how liberating it can be to discard rhyme in order to write what you really want to say.

H

Well you've caught me in the rhyme part, for once I get stuck I have a tendency to try to bend the poem to the rhyme scheme. I know, I shouldn't!
I appreciate your comment though!

Although this may in a way go against the point of poetry, rhyming poems have always been my biggest fascination. The ability to put meaning and music into structured, rhyming words has always touched me just a little more than any other poems :) Of course, if there is no skill in the hand, then the effect can be quite downing.

No doubt at all it still needs work, and lots of practice. But rhyming poems for me is the cherry on the cheesecake, so that is what I practice :)

As for commentaries, I mean more of an analysis, and interpretation of the poem and its meaning, as well as noticing, and appreciating, any poetry devices the poet has skilfully embedded in the work, in order to emphasize whatever deeper meaning lies under the surface. I like to play detective :p

[hillwalker]

It's difficult to analyse and interpret a poem when the rhyme undermines the entire piece. The problem with your first poem is that there is NO meaning - and that's presumably intentional. And the 'music', although present in the surplus of rhyming words, is hardly melodic enough to sustain the reader when they're being fed gobbledygook. You might as well open a rhyming dictionary and list its contents. :yikes:

Bending the poem to suit the rhyme is fatal - it's a case of the tail wagging the dog.

Writing meaningful poetry requires you to at least shed some insight on something or other - show us your world in a different light. Writing poetry is not about stacking together lines that rhyme in the hope someone might be able to make sense of them by 'playing detective' as I'm sure you appreciate. There are members on here who post nothing but poetry that rhymes, and 99% of it is dreadful for the simple reason that they make no attempt to express themselves in a way that can be understood. You appear, from your response, to have enough sense not to fall into the same trap. :)

H