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Dr. Love
10-16-2012, 11:14 PM
The night was over, and morning had once again dawned upon the world. Not just the world, but more specifically the house of the man who was about to challenge one of the most sacred and absolute principals of the world. Still, as ambitious as his aspirations were for that day, he was still lying in bed when the first rays of the sun hit his window and lit up his curtain. He wasn’t the type of man to be out of bed at an early hour, even though he would’ve very much liked to do so, especially if he’d been up all night studying his craft. So it comes as no surprise then that he awoke from his slumber not by his own hand, but rather by the much softer and gentler touch of his most trusted companion, Rebecca Avery. Unlike all of his other acquaintances, Rebecca was allowed to stay over at his house for extended periods of time, with the required approval of her parents of course. This allowed her to know some of his more intimate secrets, the bulk of which his other friends had no idea existed. She herself had become very attached to him, and some supposed that she had even fallen in love with him. These suppositions, however, could never be known for sure on account of her timid and conservative nature. Nevertheless, one could be absolutely sure that whenever he was in need of something, she would always be there to provide him with it to the best of her abilities. And so it was that on this most important of days, she was there to make certain that he woke up on schedule in order to accomplish his greatest achievement. She gave him a gentle shake, and upon awakening he slowly propped himself up, yawned, and muttered,
“I’m done”
Rebecca handed him a cup of warm tea which she had prepared beforehand; he took a light sip and rose from his bed while placing his hand on Rebecca’s shoulder and saying,
“I’ve gotta say, Rebecca, you’ve done a lot of good stuff for me since I’ve known you”
He walk forward towards the door out of his room and stopped beneath the open door frame. He continued,
“But enough’s enough, seriously. You’ve been breaking yourself down and running yourself ragged trying to assist me in my dream. I’m very grateful for all the help you’ve given me, but like I’ve told you before, you don’t owe me anything for what I did for you, I was just being myself and helping out a lost soul. This is me and my grandfather’s dream, not yours, so we’ll finish it ourselves; you don’t have to do any more for us than what you’ve already done. Please, Rebecca.”
Rebecca had her eyes open wide as if she were surprised to hear him say this, but in her heart she knew that it had been coming for a while now. She was reluctant, but she gave in to his request. As she watched him walk away and up the stairs she wasn’t prepared for the feeling of helplessness and futility that came over her. She was used to being able to ask him for whatever he needed and promptly getting an answer, but she knew this time that no matter how much she urged him, he wouldn’t be having any of it. With this in mind she returned to her own family’s house and retreated to her room. As she lay there still on her bed, she felt the desperate urge to tell him what he was getting into. She wanted to tell him the dangers of what he was about to do, that he could very easily be killed in some sort of horrific accident and that she should be there to protect him from anything of the sort, to be by his side. She wanted to do all of these things, but she was forbidden from interfering. As all of these thoughts passed through her head, there, in her room on that summer morning, she began to cry.

hillwalker
10-17-2012, 09:00 AM
Unfortunately your opening paragraph does nothing to grab the reader's attention. It seemed to take forever to tell us very little.

Readers need the main character's name as early in the story as possible so they can engage with him. Calling him 'the man' leaves us not caring very much what happens to him. And describing someone doing nothing expect lie in bed is hardly an intriguing start to any story.

I didn't understand why 'it comes as no surprise then that he woke from his slumber not by his own hand, but rather by the much softer and gentler touch of his most trusted companion Rebecca Avery.' It's long-winded for one thing, and why does he need help waking up?

My advice, start the story with a more arresting image:

'Rebecca gave Joe (or whatever he's called) a gentle shake. Was he ok?
“I’m done,” he muttered as he rolled onto his back, still confused by the dream.

This does several things - it establishes that it's probably morning, that Rebecca stayed overnight at his house, and that she has a reason for waking him. You can feed the reader other bits, such as her infatuation with her mentor, as the plot unfolds.

There are other parts you might also consider trimming to remove redundant phrases:

Rebecca handed him a cup of warm tea which she had prepared beforehand; - how else would she conjure up the cup of tea? - why 'beforehand' anyway? she can't prepare it afterwards can she? - and is it important that it's 'warm'?
He took a light sip - the verb 'sip' unlike 'slurp' suggests a gentleness so the word 'light' is also redundant.

“I’ve gotta say, Rebecca, you’ve done a lot of good stuff for me since I’ve known you.”
We presume she already knows this - so is this dialogue for the benefit of the reader? It doesn't ring true and is probably best removed.

He walk forward towards the door out of his room and stopped beneath the open door frame. He continued,
No need for any of this - and what's an 'open door frame'?

The next bit of dialogue is muddled and again it's as if you're using it to inform the reader of background rather than as realistic conversation between your two characters.
I'd suggest you trim and combine both bits of dialogue - keep the reader guessing a little longer. Something along the lines of:

"It's good of you to stay over again, Rebecca. But you're not needed any more. It's our dream - my grandfather's and mine - not yours. It's not your place to help us finish it."

We can discover later why Rebecca feels obliged to help him - as the tale unfolds. The pivotal part of the plot is presumably the dream. Keep the reader's mind focussed on that.

I'd suggest you then have Rebecca immediately return to her home and retreat to her room. Keep the wheels turning instead of getting bogged down in irrelevant detail.

It sounds like you have an interesting story in mind but you need to do much more to bring the two characters and their predicament to life.

H

Dreamsqueen
10-18-2012, 04:07 AM
I think he didnt tell the readers the main chatracter's name and also the kind of dream he is working to achieve as a kind of suspension