Lock & Key

[Delta40]

His drunken visit
would come and come again
with shaky hands offered up in peace,
and I knew, as he did,
he had been like that
for as long as I could remember.

His empathy
flowing freely as a beer tap,
calmed his tormented trembling
just enough to wind his watch
so we could listen to the minutes pass by.
Tick, tick, tick.

My headache
poured into our glasses
like flat amber fluid.
It tasted like the dribbles of piss
when I was held captive
under his musty bedcovers.

I don't remember that! Another beer?

Our silent sorrow
reverberated across the lost years,
bounced off our worn out bodies
and settled on my tight lips
as he wept,

Ah really luv ya sis

Together, we hold the crammed drawer
of yesteryear firmly shut.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. Really good this one. I do have a couple of suggestions though. in the first line you might consider visits, as there is obviously more than one being talked about, and in line 2 try dropping "again". also perhaps, a comma after "peace" at the end of line 3.

The for as long as I can remember comes across as a bit prosaic and tautologous, as you've already said, "always." I think you could drop the line.

The last line of S2, the tick, tock, doesn't quite work for me. I've never heard a watch that went tick tock. They all go tick tick tick tick. at various speeds. The tock slows the pace, which extends the moment, but perhaps just tick, repeated as three separate single word liines would do this. However, I'm not convinced you need the ticks at all.

The second half of the third stanza is pretty raw, not a criticism, just an observation.

I think it's a powerful and affecting poem.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

thanks Hawk.

[zoolane]

The poem itself is full of raw emotion but in not blunt but it here. I have understood it as in brother is a piss but abuse the sister by sleep with her?

[firefangled]

Masterfuly understated poem, Delta; understated hardly fits for a word to describe the river this held back. I can see where you accepted the best of Hawks suggestions for the better. What I admired most about this poem was collecting its rage into actual physical descriptions in the here and now.

[Jerrybaldy]

I can only admire how you put this onto paper (or screen) as you have done previously and turn it into readable poetry.
Literally cathartic, I hope.

Maybe we are lucky to have a poetic release valve, it can be twisted to slightly open, lucky, lucky,l ucky as one of your colonial warblers sang :D

all the best
JB

[Delta40]

Zoo - Thanks. I never want to go over the top with emotion when writing about abuse.

FF - I'm so glad you spotted the effect of the poem in the here and now!

Jerry - I'm not cathartic (a catholic wearing a catheter :lol:) but I definitely agree that poetry has its uses

[Bar22do]

So tearing and yet contained; your writing is in full blossom, Delta, much to admire in this poem.

[Delta40]

Thank you Bar

[Haunted]

Whatever happened, your brother is lucky to have you. Hugs for dear Delta. Keep writing. (and dancing... works for me)

[Xillus_Xavier]

Hey Delta. I really like this poem. I do agree with every suggestion Hawkman made. I don't think you need Tick Tick Tick at all. His other critiques are spot on.