View Full Version : Synopsis
Astromaxis
10-14-2012, 05:28 AM
I breathe
I pause
is this dot life?
spectrum of gaps
mitigated and extremities?
running for the hereafter
and with troubling steps
I'm bracketed
I'm poised
I'm an hesitant straight line
the world is a beautiful beginning
and it is never the end
the world is a wonderful opening|
but it never draws the last show
what am I is a tricky synopsis
my actions ascertaining where I'll end.▬
hillwalker
10-14-2012, 05:56 AM
I breathe
I pause
is this dot life?
I like these 3 opening lines. They are sparse and lead to a simple question.
But what follows doesn't provide an answer. It's trying a little too hard to be profound.
spectrum of gaps
mitigated and extremities?
A 'spectrum' implies variations of colour or sound or certain other physical attributes following a range of values. So are you suggesting small gaps then bigger gaps then very big gaps? I can't picture what you're trying to show us here. And 'mitigated and extremities' doesn't make sense.
running for the hereafter
and with troubling steps
I'm bracketed
I'm poised
I'm a[n] hesitant straight line
Again - I don't see what you're getting at here. I'm beginning to wonder whther this is a poem about punctuation. It seems unnecessarily complex.
the world is a beautiful beginning
and it is never the end
the world is a wonderful opening|
but it never draws the last show
These 4 lines seem to have arrived from a different poem. A couple of cliches and a final line that again makes no sense in English.
what am I is a tricky synopsis
my actions ascertaining where I'll end.▬
and more abstractions. You haven't managed to concinve me that you are a synopsis.
H
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