Constructive feedback required

[seedofdoubt]

A Fine Line

There is no more faithful servant in
History than I to you. O MASTER!
How I did worship you. I was your sin.
It would would never be met with disaster.

It was for Eternity, souls entwined.
My Stigmata to you, fetters padlocked,
We looked at furniture, ever to be thine.
I never knew it was I you mocked.

Behind the lies of the family ties
You shattered my world to pieces. Devil
I hope you burn, flames consuming lies.
I light the flame myself, kill the Evil.

Tenuous string between love & hate.
Because again I would love to be your bait.

[Charles Darnay]

The first half (pre-volta) has a bit of an archaic feel (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but the last two lines of the second stanza really embrace a more archaic form of writing which does not fit at all in this poem.

The problem is that there is a real inconsistency. I get that there is meant to be a shift in the second half (post-volta), but the incongruous writing style does not help. I like the start of the third stanza, but it quickly devolves into what could be called teen angst.

It's also really boring (I know this isn't very constructive, I apologize) - but I think the lack of anything that can be seen as personal leaves no impression on the reader.

So while there is some good stuff spread throughout, and it is certainly not terrible overall, I would recommend (a) settling on one style of writing, or at least making the shift more intentional, and more importantly (b) finding something personal in here.

All that being said - I do compliment you for a proper use of the sonnet form.

[hillwalker]

I assume this is a devotional poem, judging by the opening 4 lines. So immediately I'm going to admit I'm the wrong person to comment on the content because I'm unable and unprepared to engage with religious or spiritual poetry.
So I'll restrict my comments to the aesthetics of the piece. It's noticeable that you have chosen a sonnet form which seems ambitious for someone who appears to be an inexperienced poet.

It's neither iambic nor strictly pentameter. Some lines have 9 syllables, some 11, and the meter is inconsistent. The only thing that might identify it as a Shakespearean sonnet is that it has 14 lines and an ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme - but more of that later.

v1 - Firstly, capitalising words (in poetry or prose) is a desperate safety net. If the words can't convey an image strongly enough on their own then changing the typeface is hardly going to improve matters. It's a no-no, trust me.
And the closing line makes no sense. What's the 'it' that would never be met? If you're personalising a poem like you are here we need to picture the writer so we can share his/her feelings. It's not possible here because all you have done is tell your master you worship 'him'. Which begs the question - why do you feel the need to share this prayer with us?
And presumably you chose 'disaster' because it rhymed with 'master' so had to find a way to make it fit into the poem's grand scheme. I'm not convinced that this works so far.

v2 - Lines 3 and 4 fail to make any sense. The 'souls entwined' left me scratching my head. Whose souls? Then we have 'stigmata' and 'fetters padlocked'. I don't have a clue what you're trying to convey here - and 'We looked at furniture' had me picturing someone walking around Ikea.
Again - 'ever to be thine' has been stuck on the end of line 3 in order to maintain the rhyme but are you saying the furniture is somehow going to be the property of the 'master' henceforth? It's muddled.
The closing line is grammatically back to front - what you are trying (and failing) to say is 'I never knew you mocked me' but you've had to twist it around because of the rhyme.

v 3 - The internalised rhyme of your first line here is a distraction. And 'Devil' and 'Evil' don't strictly rhyme - it's an 'eye rhyme' (the words look the same but sound different). Suddenly the nature of the poem changes so you have followed the pattern of having a pivotal moment after the opening 8 lines. But then the sonnet ends with a whimper.

v 4 - The first line is ok (but a syllable short) - The second line is nonsensical (but at least it rhymes).

I'm wondering why you attempted to write a sonnet which is hardly the easiest form to master. And what is the reader supposed to get out of it? I found it rather bland to be honest.

H

[Buh4Bee]

I think there is something in the rage of the message that makes one want to acknowledge the expressed pain. I think the poem is worthwhile.