Summer Storm

[Jerrybaldy]

My parents are making strange noises next door again. I guess its some game they play. I can also hear a summer storm approaching. I can see the distant flashes that are illuminating my pile of comics on my shelf. I feel the fear returning again.

I need to pee. The noise of the cistern always chases me across the dark landing. It threatens to drag me back in and suck me down to the horror that must be down there, where the waste pipes go.

I dreamt a little while back that I pulled the flush and looking into the bowl, blue flames circled the water line. I suspect the devil, I don’t suppose that Jesus would hang out down there.

The storm is getting closer. I put my hand in my pyjama bottoms. I have been working my way through the girls in my class. I remember what they wear and they are always thrilled when I remove their clothes. My biology teacher too. I choose Tricia for tonight.

A thunderclap, I swear its over head, interrupts me as I am lowering the zipper in the tartan dress that she wore in double physics. I am scared. I take my hand from my pyjamas and hold both over my ears. For some reason I start to sing the tune to the mild green Fairy liquid advert. Yea, Fairy, that’s me. Scared of the storm.

Times tables. Six time seven is my favourite. Six times six is ok. Six times eight is a black hole in my head. Six times seven is forty two I repeat over and over as the house shakes and lightning threatens to blind me or electrocute me or end my life in some horrific way.

'Muuummmmm???’ She doesn’t respond. My Father does, ‘Shut up’. Its only two words but he puts a paragraph of feeling into it.

Rain lashes the window. I have the feeling my feet are three times their normal size. If I lay in the same spot and don’t move for a while the sheets feel less itchy. When the pillow gets too hot on one side I flip it over.

Eventually the storm is going some place else. I feel a sense of bravado as it fades away. The cistern awaits.

[Delta40]

Nice read Jerry. There are some words using past tense that could really be replaced with the present.

I choose Tricia

...that she wears in double physics

I like the times tables, the calling out to Mum and the response but I especially like the fear running across the landing and how a young person's imagination can run faster.

I think this story can be tightened up with a few slight sentence changes, grammar and punctuation checks.

As I'm a long term fan of your poetry, my critique sounds so crappy. Damn that chilli cheese!



etc.

[zoolane]

I like it but felt like something was missing, I am sorry Jerry but can not quiet put finger on it.

Also I might be wrong.

[hillwalker]

Wrong forum, JB. You're a poet so you're not strictly allowed on the Dark Side without an invite.

But I enjoyed this read - a subtle portrait of that fuzzy borderline between childhood and manhood. You captured the voice of tha narrator perfectly and I would happily have continued reading had it been three times as long.

But although this seemed to be going somewhere, it got diverted along the way.

zoo has a valid point. The closing two paragraphs don't seem to fit. They provide a neat bow knot to tie up the entire piece but I don't believe a word of it. Jim Bennett (if he ever existed) belongs in a totally different story.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you D, Z and H. I thought I had got something here, but I realise in post writing afterthought that I enjoyed it so much as it was a trip down memory lane. That includes Jim Bennet, of which there were a few. It also spans quite a few years which is maybe confusing placed into one night. I often feel that the poetry is a cop out to writing a story, so I am sure I will return to the dark side.

best wishes
JB

[Delta40]

I often feel that the poetry is a cop out to writing a story, so I am sure I will return to the dark side.

I think that too. I started off as a short story writer and then moved into poetry and spewed out some plays. Now, I'm lucky if I can wring out a poem. What happened to me?????

[Jalebaron]

Hello. I liked this up until the speaker imagines the father's thoughts. Very jarring and out of place. I'd cut that part out and let the reader figure out what the 'shut up' means, since it's supposed to have a 'paragraph of feeling in it'.

I'd also end it at "Hell, I survived." The rest seems ham handed when compared to the quality of what precedes it.

I liked the mood of the piece and I liked the child's perspective, it was well done if a bit perplexing (a child with such complex thoughts? who is the speaker? are answering these questions going to ruin the story?). As a stand alone piece of short fiction it is intriguing, but if it's the first part of a larger story I'd be curious to see how you could expand upon this.

Thanks for sharing.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Jalebaron. As you all seem to agree on the last two paragraphs I am ditching them and also taking on board your thoughts on not playing out the imagined paragraph in my fathers words and making a few more changes.

Thanks for commenting and for your input.
JB

[Hawkman]

Hi JB. Interesting little narrative. I think you must have made the right decisions in the edit as it reads as a tight piece. You got the lay lie dilemma wrong again though :D only thing which bothered me a bit was the lack of focus between needing the loo and proto masturbatory thoughts about girls, but not really having the understanding of the parental moaning. It causes a sort of blurring of the supposed child's age. A curious dichotomy between sexuality and innocence... Interesting.

Live and be well - H