a castle in my dream

[cacian]

It's just a dream
the life I know,
I make it all up
in my sleep,
I often run away from me,
the truth is that I never
see
the things that matter most to me

I build myself up to be big
just like a castle
brick by brick,
and then I tare it all down
to be fit,
pretending that it was a game
and I was the maker of realm

It's just a dream
I know it is,
I pinch myself up to be
real
but then I end up losing
fear

I wish I could wake up
and feel
the senses
the logic that tolls
about a life I hear of more,
I must confess I gather
tears
I never know what else is dear

[DieterM]

There's something in here that speaks to me. That self-delusion that can lead us so often to think that we don't have a life, or a life less worthy than that of others, less rich, less satisfying. Yours truly gets into such pitch-black bouts of doubt from time to time, too (partly because of his Austrian genetical heritage - we are the European country with the second hightest suicide rate, after all, right after the Finnish – with them having at least long, dark winters and an unpronouncable language as excuses; and partly because I'd deserve to live somewhere sunny, not in rainy & cold Paris ;)).

Now, there are a few things that could be improved (I don't say 'should' - I'm not bold enough, are sure enough, to do so).

For one, I'm not really a big fan of solitary words. I don't believe that when you let them all alone and shivering in their line, they get more impact. So those poor "see" and "real" and "fear", I'd make them join their friends in the lines above.

I'd add some commas to make the poem more easy to read.

In stanza 2, there's a typo; li3 "tare" should read "tear".

I'm not really sure about the logic that tolls; it doesn't shock me but maybe with the image of the narrator wishing to wake up, it would be better to use "ring" instead?

"about a life I hear of lots" - that, I'm really not fond of. Especially because I couldn't link it to the lines before nor the lines that follow.

Ah, and I completely forgot: I'd really, really be grateful if you could lose the "thee" in li5 of the first stanza. It lies there like "un cheveu sur la soupe", as the French say (like a hair in your soup). It's archaic and doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem; furthermore, it's the only time the narrator talks to that "you", and I'm asking myself if it shouldn't be "it", i.e. life.

Here's how it could look like if I had to edit and rewrite it:


It's just a dream,
the life I know,
I make it all up in my sleep,
I often run away from it,
the truth is that I never see
the things that matter most to me

I build myself up
to be big
just like a castle, brick by brick,
and then I tear it all down
to be fit,
pretend that it was a game
and I the maker of my realm

It's just a dream
I know it is
I pinch myself to be real
but then I end up losing fear

I wish I could wake up
and feel the senses,
the logic that rings,
find that life I hear so much about
I must confess I gather in tears
I never know what else is dear

You see, it's just minor things that I have changed (except that soupy "thee" ;-)), it's still your voice, it's still your story, your poem. Hope you don't mind :p:p

[Delta40]

I like your edit Dieter. Cacian, your poems are starting to make more sense.

[cacian]

DieterM I thank you very much for the lenghty feedback much appreciated.
It was a very interesting read for me and it highlights where my improvement lie.
I like your second version indeed and can see where changes are needed.
Thank you very much again! ;)


Delta40 thank you for the positive comment!:)

[tonywalt]

Excellent Cacian, it's a really paints your emotions.

[cacian]

Excellent Cacian, it's a really paints your emotions.

tonywalt thank you for reading and feedback.

[zoolane]

I agree with Tony and maybe we are getting see bit more of you.

[Buh4Bee]

This was moving! I think we all have this tendency from time to time. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[cacian]

zoolane and Buh4Bee thank you for reading and feedback!

[New Secret]

I like this one. I don't really like a lot of poetry. This one is expressive and has a voice in it.

[tailor STATELY]

Very nice cacian ! I must have been on hiatus when you posted this.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[desiresjab]

This is certainly your best that I have seen, Cacian. I was going to remark on the confusion of the last verse, but Dieter cleaned it up. The poem reads well. Its syntactical awareness makes a great difference. I suppose it is just a personal trait, but I am a huge fan of clarity in poetry, yet of being literary instead of literal most of the time. I do not exactly mean literary, I just wanted the alliteration, I mean being poetic. Never naming suicide, you evoked it from the mind of Dieter anyway.

Sometimes one does name things. There is room for everything in poetry, which includes the literal sometimes and the naming of things. No one should develop a complex about being literal or naming what the heck they are talking about sometimes in a poem. It is where and when and how you do such things that matters to the art and whether you can hold a reader. This poem held me, which is always positve. I am happy for your progress and acheivement, and happy to have read it.