Medusa

[DieterM]

Café “Beaubourg”, our usual table.
Waiters move around with silver trays
as if walking down a catwalk.
The smell of designer clothes
and October dampness hangs in air.

You lift your head. Your hair
hisses with my static anger,
your fingers tremble over the heart
we’ve etched into the wooden surface
of our table, a hundred loves ago.

Is this a tear, a pearl, or dew
you stir into your café crème?
“Stay”, you whisper,
breathing rancid coffee
and stale angst at me.

Cold creeps up from the floor,
fluffy mists crawl out of mouths.
Slowly you expose something,
words like petrified flowers.
“Don’t leave me,” you beg.

I brush away a lonesome hair
from my black jacket,
wishing that I could erase
our heart from the table.
You know your name when I choose to forget.

At last, your speech is over and I can listen.
“Let me pay”, I offer and look away.
At last, a ten-euro-note floats down.
At last, I stand up and leave,
angry, lonely, marble, but relieved.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter, generally well wrought piece which captures an awkward moment with an ex who want's to rekindle old flames when you do not.

a few things to think about though. S1 L5 I'd be inclined to cut the definite article before air. Not essential, but it would read more tightly.

In S2 I'm not sure why, "your hair frizzles with my static anger." it's an odd image. I can rationalise it and see your intent but it doesn't work for me. It sort of gives the narrator laser vision which ignites the other's head. Maybe have a think about this bit.

In S4 I'm not sure about "hipster mouths." Hipster makes me think of a style of trousers. Hip mouths would be better perhaps, but do you need anything more than just, mouths?

I also have a problem with the last line of this verse. It's not that there is anything wrong with it, other than it feels as if it's in the wrong place. I feel it would be better placed at the end of the next verse. Put the first line of S5 at the end of S4 and add the last line of S4 to the end of S5.

Apart from these observations I think it's a poem rich with imagery and emotion reigned back but seething in the spaces between the lines. A very good read.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Hawkman, thank you again for reading and commenting. And finding immediately the weak spot I wasn't so fond of myself, unconsciously. I simply couldn't find what it was until you pointed it out.
I agree where the hipster mouths are concerned. Dunno why I absolutely wanted to convey that special Café "Beaubourg" feeling (model slash waiters and waitresses, hip crowd, talks about fashion and trendy philosophy and who-with-a-name shagged whom-with-a-name, see what I mean?), when it wasnt really essential to the poem. So bye bye hipster mouths, and hello simple mouths.
As for the "frizzy hair and anger"-bit, I'll have to think it over a bit more thoroughly. You got the image, so that is already a good thing; but if my image is clear without working that magic we all try to create with our poetry, it's useless, in my eyes. Hm... well, I'll get back to you (and it, i.e. that bit).
Best to you!

[Delta40]

A great read Dieter and of course I would never make the wonderful observations that Hawk did but they make good sense.

I actually like the line: You hair frizzes with my static anger but it does lead me to think about the title Medusa and I wonder if it should be 'hisses' instead!

[DieterM]

A great read Dieter and of course I would never make the wonderful observations that Hawk did but they make good sense.

I actually like the line: You hair frizzes with my static anger but it does lead me to think about the title Medusa and I wonder if it should be 'hisses' instead!

Delta, but you did make a wonderful observation, not like Hawk did, but very much like Delta would do! Because that's exactly what I wanted to express - an image of Medusa's hair, without being too obvious (so no serpents or stuff). And, of course, that hair must hiss, not frizz! Thanks a lot! xoxoxo

[Bar22do]

Your poem renders so well the embarrassing situation of a separation in the city of Love! :smile5: You got here some good guidance re possible improvements; I myself have found it a bit too long first, but, on a second reading, I think that its length actually intensifies the awkwardness of the moment. I like "a hundred loves ago"! Nice read, Dieter, thanks a lot.