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F34RandL04TH1NG
10-09-2012, 12:15 PM
They had been backing out of the steel portal with his lifeless body when the first shot had rung out. They ran forward and dropped behind the Mahogany counter staring through the small crack in the wood where the desks were brought together.

Just keep your head down, we’re going to be alrite!

His command echoes through the marble hallways, through the bathrooms, stairwells, between the walls, and in his head. Flashing lights illuminated the cold winter night, reflecting off the clouds, red and blue colored pillows that refused to abide to the rules of gravity.

What should we do?!

Not sure yet, calm down.

This has gone horribly wrong. They aren’t feeling the cold air coming through the shattered glass door, the adrenaline is like fire in the veins, they can smell themselves burning or maybe that’s just gunpowder.

Another shot, people cease crying, the sirens aren’t blaring, the world isn’t moving. Looking down there was what look liked a cigar burn through the black blazer he wore, a small red blot getting bigger on his white shirt.

Oh god, he whispers, falling into a half fetal position

Just lay down they’ll be coming in soon, you’ve done enough.

Everything is black, all there is is the static of a police radio filling his ears, the wet drag of bodies, and zippers on body bags.

A voice brings him back to the living from behind the counter.

What a mess

Yea tell me about it

So who was the one who started the shooting?

Not sure maybe the one over there

What about the two behind the counter

Footsteps all around

Wait! I think this one’s alive! Get a stretcher.

Being hoisted onto the only bed he has been on in months he’s led through the doors into the pitch black night. Looking at first the fake marble ceiling, then the red and blue clouds, and finally the roof of the ambulance, before a mask is put over his face, a gas turned on, and he slips into a deep peaceful sleep.

hillwalker
10-09-2012, 06:28 PM
This needs some reworking.

You begin in simple past tense : 'They were backing out' then past perfect : 'had rung out' then present tense: 'His command echoes'.

This is a bit of a mess to be honest.

Flashing lights illuminate the cold winter night reflecting off the clouds. Red and blue colored pillows that refuse to abide to the rules of gravity.

Baffling.

Being hoisted onto the only bed he has been on in months he’s lead Did you mean 'led'? through the doors into the pitch black night.

Having said that, most of this was breathtaking. You manage to convey a sense of chaos very effectively... BUT you need to edit with more care.

H

F34RandL04TH1NG
10-09-2012, 06:53 PM
Thanks for the tips and compliment, I tried to rework the cloud part and did some tense editing.

hillwalker
10-09-2012, 07:46 PM
It's better but not fixed:

They had been backing out of the steel portal with his lifeless body when the first shot had rung should be 'rang' out. They ran forward and dropped behind the Mahogany why capitalised? counter staring through the small crack in the wood where the desks were brought together.

Just keep your head down, we’re going to be alrite no such word - did you mean 'alright'?!

H