Long, Untrimmed Hair

[YRKB]

Saigon, 1972 -
You were swinging, shaking, twisting,
in that bar.
They called you; 'that lil' go-go gook'
but someone told me
you were Kim-Ly.

Every GI had eyes for your slim frame;
I heard them high-fivin, sending up that filthy laugh;
but baby, jet black -
that long, untrimmed
hair
wrapped itself round my heart.

Your golden colour,
your little hands
half moon eyes,
that sassy beat -
How you always,

always,

danced staring down at your feet.
From the moment you'd start...
that long, untrimmed
hair
wrapped itself round my heart.

Now, when the sun sets in Orange County
and I'm here, holding my green eyed lady,
blonde bob
and full frame -
you spin into my
mind sometimes and,
Kim Ly -

I can almost touch
your long, untrimmed
hair.

Yafeu-Khamisi Rodway-Brown

[Hawkman]

Not a bad poem this, but it is being held back by its presentation. You need to pay attention to line breaks and punctuation. A stck of very short lines and spurious commas is inhibiting the flow of the piece and the over used repetition of baby gives it a slushy feel, a bit too pop songy. The,

"jet black.
Jet black,"

doesn't really work either. just make reference to the jet black hair when you're toaking about her hair. "Your tiny, / little hands" is also a bit twee as well as not requiring a comma.

In short, extend the lines, rather than stacking words, and allow the sentences to flow. cut out the extraneous repetition, because at the moment, the style is overwhelming and detracting from the content.

Live and be well - H

[YRKB]

Thank you H! The edit is above, hope that makes the difference?

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi YRKB. I liked this one. Particularly the metaphor of the hair around the heart.