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CaptainHatteras
10-08-2012, 08:01 PM
This is a little flash piece called Lucidity. This is my maiden publication here, but don't let my newbish status refrain you from an honest dose of criticism.


Lucidity
By John Doe

The clarity with which I observed my surroundings was perfect. I didn’t expect the change to be so rapid and profound; it was only minutes after thousands of microscopic devices were injected into my nervous system. Each unit was an integral component of a swarm that accelerated signal transmission over my synapses.

For awhile I was getting used to my new omniscient awareness; I can only explain the sensations I was experiencing by a hypothetical scenario of tasting an orange that is high in acidity after eating nothing but bland cucumbers throughout your entire life. In this entropy of sensations I was too deeply absorbed in thoughts about the little details, such as appreciating the angle at which the light was bouncing off the porcelain white tiles, that I forgot about Linda.

Her face expression exhibited characteristic traits of concern. Her hands were clenched together before her breasts. Her wide green eyes stared deep into mine. “Kevin, how are you feeling?” Her soft voice echoed in my senses, I could now analyze not just the meaning of the words, but also their pitch and tone. “I feel very lucid,” I replied while anticipating a muscle flexing reaction around her mouth. I was correct; she smiled, exposing her gleaming white teeth. But something was wrong.

The warm feeling of comfort I usually experienced in her presence, especially when she was smiling, was not the same. I was registering a significant dosage of dopamine release, suggesting that I was still attracted to her, probably no less than five minutes ago, but the sudden realization of the chemical processes of love made me question the reasoning behind our relationship. This peculiar side affect was not in the brochure of the neuroenhancement procedure.

This knowledge was buried somewhere deep inside my brain for years, but I could never see the big picture as clearly as I did now. I could still appreciate that her facial features were classically attractive and her short haircut was modern and appealing.

I still cherished the experiences that we shared together, resulting in a formation of a comfortable trust between us. I knew that I relied on her for support and pleasure, but I could now see hundreds of alternatives with better results. Was she the most efficient lover I could ever obtain? Was she the best intellectual companion that I could wish for? Was she the most ideal mother for my future children? With some effort I could now calculate the odds of finding a more efficient mate.

hillwalker
10-09-2012, 06:18 PM
I like flash fiction. This was quite intriguing.

But I didn't feel any empathy for the main character. It's written in such a clinical style that by the finish I didn't care how the situation resolved itself. Interesting but ephemeral.

H

CaptainHatteras
10-09-2012, 09:33 PM
Thank you for your reply. I'm glad that you found it intriguing and interesting. I'm hoping to improve my writing by embracing constructive criticism here and elsewhere. I suppose I could expand on how the main character was encouraged into this procedure by Linda, but that may only serve to elicit our compassion for her. The idea is that the main character now sees everything in such clear logic, including his own analysis of his feelings which now he perceives as irrelevant, that it would be difficult to evoke any feelings for the character himself. I also don't want to stress that he is disappointed with these changes in any way, because he's not. The readers are the only ones able to see his loss. Perhaps I failed to convey this.