Thin Layer

[Gromit]

This is actually a COLLECTION of poem I'll post one at a time. I'll wait for feedback on one and go to the next. They are generally dark. :)

So the first one is actually called Thin Layer, who'd have guessed? And is a repetitive poem. :)

A thin layer is how far away I am,

Away from isolation,

A thin layer is how far away I am,

Away from torture,

A thin layer is how far away I am,

Away from them,

A thin layer is how far away I am,

Away from myself,

A thin layer is how far away I am,

But something makes me go on,

So once I have at least one CONSTRUCTIVE bit of feedback for this I'll go onto the next. And this group seem very constructive ;D

[SkyCetacean]

Like a lot of poems of this sort, it's a bit vague and impersonal. I'm sure it means a lot to you, but as a poet part of your job is to make us, the readers, understand and even feel your pain and isolation. Also, you overuse commas a bit. D:

I do really like the final line, though. "A thin layer is how far away I am, but something makes me go on." Something about it resonates with me, like have you ever heard the song Gravity by Maaya Sakamoto? It's like that, where it evokes this image of a long, winding road, a road full of strife, but something about the road itself beckons you forward.

[Gromit]

Thank you :) Yeah, I understand I overused commas a bit and I take that in. My second poem is a rhyming one :3 called Nobody Cares:

Nobody cares,

All they give are glares,

Those glares jab into your backside;

But still; onwards you have to ride,

Because if you don't you're a coward,

Even so, you always have to be on guard.



Selfish voices muttering behind your back,

You never stand up, confidence you lack,

You believe in the insults,

All you feel is failure, never exults;

Never a shoulder to lean on,

Your hope and faith is long gone.



But onwards you stride,

Still lacking confidence, you always abide.

You have the thoughts;

The ones that give you haunts,

You never tell anyone,

What you have done.



Nobody cares anyway,

That's what they all say,

Until you're gone.

They know where you belong;

Pretend you were their friend,

Anger fills you; a strong message is what you send.

[Jeos]

Young so young Gromit,

Hummm...I think I can say that here and there I see something susceptible of improvement...may I suggest you as follows:try to understand this fundamental notion- writing good poetry might be an hard task. "Vomiting" what comes to your heart and mind on-the-spot is often but...the first layer! Once this accepted your writing will certainly improve.

[Gromit]

Thank you. What exactly do you mean by that? :)

[hillwalker]

The curse of the rhyme returns:

Selfish voices muttering behind your back,/You never stand up, confidence you lack

is this how you normally speak - backwards? Would you say 'Money I have no' for instance? If not, why are you writing like this?

You believe in the insults/All you feel is failure, never exults

and do you use the word 'exults' on a regular basis or did you find it in a rhyming dictionary? I've never come across it before, and I'm guessing nor have you.

But onwards you stride/Still lacking confidence, you always abide.

'always abide' by what? The statement is incomplete unless you mean 'you always live' which makes no sense.

You have the thoughts/The ones that give you haunts

where you make 'haunts' sound like some dreaded disease. A 'haunt' is a place where you spend a lot of time - it has nothing to do with being 'haunted'.

Can you now see how sticking remorselessly to rhyme instead of trying to write something that will actually make sense to the reader is a pointless exercise? The tail is wagging the dog when it should be the other way around.

H

[Jeos]

Thank you. What exactly do you mean by that? :)

I often use this image : change the coal into a diamond. Your first inspiration is but the beginning.

Do not rely only on the muse.

[Delta40]

I really think you're limiting yourself with rhyme. Try free verse where your focus is on expression and you'll probably find what is inside of you will flow much better and more honestly and the reader will appreciate the meaning of your poem.

[Gromit]

Thanks :) Third one: A mostly rhyming poem with exceptions for the last bit. I really appreciate all this feedback!: It's a VERY dark one called 'Things to make up my missing knife':
No knife but I always find some way,

My keys, rocks; they help me get rid of inside pain,

Outside pain is what I cause day after day,

It is to help with inside pain, it is to get rid of all of it, that's what I gain,



When people look at my wrist and ask "What's happened?",

And I shrug my shoulders with some awful excuse,

They always know the truth in the end,

I cause myself abuse,



Simply to get rid of verbal comments,

Things that make me cry,

I wish I had a meaning; like I was meant,

Cause maybe then I wouldn't have to lie,

To me,

To he,

To she,

I lie to all,

That is me,