when your through

[rosana]

You need not be blue
when there's no one there to woo
don't have to face your "boo"
just call drew!
Renew your subscription throw out that prescription
read the inscription protest conscription need i give more description?

[hillwalker]

Ooh.

I can't begin to find the words to tell you how I feel about this.
Are you expecting us to read it and give you some feedback or were you just dipping your toe in the water?

I'd advise you to try reading some poetry before trying your hand at writing it. If you can't find any, have a look at what other members have posted on here.

You'll probably notice that rhyme isn't essential - in fact, in the wrong hands it can be as suicidal as juggling a hand grenade.

H

[rosana]

its about getting fired and facing your solitude
i didnt know it would be offensive
it sounded as if you felt really angry
i do not expect anything really

[cacian]

I like this.
It is different.
I also like the second one.
Very cool!

[Xillus_Xavier]

I realize you're new poetry so I'm not going to remark specifically on what you posted. I'm just going to strongly suggest that you read a ton of poetry before attempting another poem. Make sure you read a wide variety of works, such as old traditional rhymers like Burns, Frost, etc and a lot of modern anthologies. Explore Billy Collins, the former Poet Laureate for some good poetry.

I also suggest studying meter, alliteration, assonance, consonance, metaphor and imagery.

[hillwalker]

its about getting fired and facing your solitude
i didnt know it would be offensive
it sounded as if you felt really angry
i do not expect anything really

It's not offensive and I'm not angry - heaven forbid.

I just found your 'poem' rather infantile in the way you over-use the rhyme. It ended up like a silly nursery rhyme rather than an amusing piece of original poetry.

It's important that you remember poems don't have to rhyme. Writing from your heart rather than from a rhyming dictionary is what I was asking you to consider in future.
There are plenty of enjoyable poems that don't rely on the formal structures of meter, rhyme and such things as alliteration, metaphor etc.

The more poetry you read the more able you will be to choose a style that you're comfortable with. Well done for posting your first piece, but I'm sure you can do better than this.

H

[Jeos]

Rosanna,

Hillwalker is basically right nevertheless she could have said it differently. You know poetry can be more than just "confession", more than just aligning words in the common way...whatever is you are trying to say you should try saying it differently, in a "revolutionary" way. One of the goals of true poetry is to provoke an aesthetic commotion on the reader...

[hillwalker]

Rosanna,
Hillwalker is basically right nevertheless she could have said it differently.

I could certainly have been less tactful by pointing out the numerous flaws in this poem and the tedious rhyme, but I was trying to spare the OP's feelings.

And for the record I'm a 'he' :)

H

[rosana]

I like this.
It is different.
I also like the second one.
Very cool!

Just today I got enough courage to see what others had posted and... what a surprise to find such a happy comment

[SkyCetacean]

I think you need a bit of work... The rhyme scheme feels a bit cluttered and overall it's a bit... Confused I feel as to what it's trying to say. I think like several other people here that you might want to learn a bit more poetry and if you're to write more.

Now please don't be scared if I seem negative, I think perhaps that negative comments are even better than positive ones. They're intended to help you. Words are like swords, they must be constantly sharpened and refined. Criticism is a whetstone for words.

Basically what I'm saying is, while this poem might not be the best, keep it up. Write more, write often, read more, read often. Let these negative words serve to sharpen your skills, not dull them. Let them add wind to your fire, don't let them blow it out.

[rosana]

I want to thank all who posted here
I have decided to leave the forum not because of you
i have looked around here for beauty and joy

[rosana]

my real name is rosana márquez i live in san juan puerto rico a colony of the united states located in the caribbean next to the dominican republic . we speak spanish and english less so ,

i am 51 going on 52 i have two children ages 11 and 21

i dont know much about poetry except I know when i like something and when i dont i like juvenile pieces i sometimes feel i am still in puberty

being here has been scary not knowing who you talk and being judged harshly with acrid words by some who are well regarded here thank god not all of you do that i have had fun giving feedback and not everyone says proper things and personalization is prevalent maybe because we are anonimous here i dont like that i leave with sadness in my heart and also joy of having met a friend here

i wish you all a happy life!I will do my best with mine ..

thanks again and take care of yourselves and others

love ,

rosana

[hillwalker]

Sorry to see a member go so suddenly - but we're NOT judging you. We're judging your poetry because that's why you posted it on here - for feedback.

H

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

my real name is rosana márquez i live in san juan puerto rico a colony of the united states located in the caribbean next to the dominican republic . we speak spanish and english less so ,

i am 51 going on 52 i have two children ages 11 and 21

i dont know much about poetry except I know when i like something and when i dont i like juvenile pieces i sometimes feel i am still in puberty

being here has been scary not knowing who you talk and being judged harshly with acrid words by some who are well regarded here thank god not all of you do that i have had fun giving feedback and not everyone says proper things and personalization is prevalent maybe because we are anonimous here i dont like that i leave with sadness in my heart and also joy of having met a friend here

i wish you all a happy life!I will do my best with mine ..

thanks again and take care of yourselves and others

love ,

rosana
I'm really not trying to be mean here, and I have no idea if you'll read this (though I suspect, despite your farewell post, that you will), but you really, really need to work on your grammar. One can't even begin to be even a mediocre writer if they don't even have a basic understanding of punctuation.

[Delta40]

Rosana I'd urge you to stay. Trust me when I say nobody is born writing poetry and I would be sad if this site isn't a place where you can post and post and post and watch yourself improve through practice.

[Jeos]

Sorry to see a member go so suddenly - but we're NOT judging you. We're judging your poetry because that's why you posted it on here - for feedback.

H

"For feedback" - the problem is: the feedback is a completely unbalanced one
and unbalanced is a light word compared to what is happening here.
rather sinister because... confined so confined...


Rosana I'd urge you to stay. Trust me when I say nobody is born writing poetry and I would be sad if this site isn't a place where you can post and post and post and watch yourself improve through practice.
WHERE YOU CAN POST
"for feedback"(also quoting Hillwalker) - the problem is: the feedback is a completely unbalanced one
and unbalanced is a light word compared to what is happening here.
rather sinister because... confined so confined... !

[hillwalker]

Can you clarify what you mean?

Why was the feedback unbalanced? Sinister?? Confined???

What kind of feedback are you suggesting we give on here to aspiring writers?

H

[Jeos]

Can you clarify what you mean?

Why was the feedback unbalanced? Sinister?? Confined???

What kind of feedback are you suggesting we give on here to aspiring writers?

H


Ok let’s do it. If you are fair and unprejudiced as much as you are talented you’ll understand and agree with me.

About the feedback of the more experienced ones: depending on the aspirants there is an unbalance between too much complacency and excessive aggressiveness… with regard to the latter: if already in the first critic we demolish them …at their very first texts it’s impossible to determine if they are loosing their time or not.

But much worst than aggressiveness is not reacting.

AND YES I belong to the ones that almost never gets feedback – Why should I not dare saying it? Indeed I dare !!
Note this: I know what I am doing here (and you know that I know …) - it’s not the first time that I submit my little poetry to demanding anglo people but also from other languages.
So going straight to the facts : you know how many poems I posted here that was buried in silence? Without deserving such a treatment (easy to prove!)? The only one who deigned comment (and enjoyed) my texts: Bar22.

And yet I give often polite but also HONEST feedback. Ok now and then I was a bit harsh - but only a bit.

But the only time I've done a "serious mistake" here (Naive II) OH LA LA that time of course I get feedback !

Is there any logical explanation for this? Shouldn't we poets be different from..? Even François Villon would feel bad with this.

[hillwalker]

So this has nothing to do with rosana's poem. You're annoyed because you don't get as much feedback as some of the others who post their work on here. And annoyed with me in particular because I happened to give negative feedback on the only poem of yours I have commented on.

I'm actually one of the few on here who don't pat other, long-serving members on their backs every time they post a new poem. I'm selective. So don't confuse me with those who flatter the chosen few and ignore the rest. I always try and comment on poetry (and short stories) posted by new members.

One reason I don't comment on much of your work is that I find so little in it that I can relate to. I'm not a fan of poems that tackle abstract issues. In fact I find poems that try to reveal universal truths or share philosophical insights tedious in the extreme. I try not to read them and hardly ever comment on them. That's a personal preference of mine not a criticism of your poetry.

Your ability to express yourself fluently is also a constraint and having entered into long and fruitless dialogue with cacian regarding the same issues in her poetry it seems not to be worth my time and efforts.

Regarding the one poem of yours I did comment on, that was in response to a posting on someone else's thread about 'love poems' in general (which are even worse than poems that attempt to philosophise). To the best of my knowledge everyone condemned it. At least I did try to be polite.

If you especially want me to give you feedback on your poems I will. Just ask. But I warn you - you probably already know what to expect.

H

[Volya]

Ok let’s do it. If you are fair and unprejudiced as much as you are talented you’ll understand and agree with me.

About the feedback of the more experienced ones: depending on the aspirants there is an unbalance between too much complacency and excessive aggressiveness… with regard to the latter: if already in the first critic we demolish them …at their very first texts it’s impossible to determine if they are loosing their time or not.

But much worst than aggressiveness is not reacting.
.

How on earth was hillwalker being aggressive? He pointed out the flaws in the poem, and suggested how it could be improved. If some people cannot accept criticism or overreact when anyone says anything, that is their own fault.

[miyako73]

There are "senior poets" here who write bland, juvenile, regurgitated, farted poetry, yet they are not criticized. One poet wrote a poem full of cliches and his was praised as brilliant. Are we afraid to critique this poet? Just asking.

[Haunted]

You need not be blue
when there's no one there to woo
don't have to face your "boo"
just call drew!
Renew your subscription throw out that prescription
read the inscription protest conscription need i give more description?

Rosana, from what I read you wrote about yourself and your foray into poetry, let's chalk this piece as a worthy exercise, one that got you the feedback you need to NOT do what you did here. I think you fell into the trap of wanting to write a poem just for the sake of saying you've written a poem. It's not that simple.

There is merit in the toughest critiques. Just because you wrote some words, doesn't make it poetry. Writing, in its core, is thinking.

You need to THINK about what you want to say and say it like it comes from your heart.

I honestly don't have the skills to fix this piece, but I'll make some suggestions, food for thought...

Why was the person "blue"? What happened?

Who is "drew"? Relations, please.

What subscription? And what is that prescription? Do they have names? Be specific.

Don't just say the word "inscription". What does the inscription actually say? Again, be specific. Details are what make things interesting, giving context to meaing.

Next... Why "protest conscription"? Is there a point to that or you just thought it sort of rhymes and it's cute? It is NOT cute, it's tacky. Lose that. Unless it's tied to something said in the inscription, its just nonsense.

"need i give more description?"
This comes off as being obnoxious and doesn't go with the beginning which is to console someone, it has the opposite effect. I suspect that you hear soundbites and being that it's not your first language, you just didn't know it's not right for the context.

You need to home in on a subject, something that you know and feel very strongly, and write it in details. It can be really short, but let there be details, and make it special. Good luck.

[hillwalker]

There are "senior poets" here who write bland, juvenile, regurgitated, farted poetry, yet they are not criticized. One poet wrote a poem full of cliches and his was praised as brilliant. Are we afraid to critique this poet? Just asking.

Did you offer his poem an honest critique? Just asking.

H

[miyako73]

Did you offer his poem an honest critique? Just asking.

H

Nope. I'm paranoid of ad hominem in this forum.

[Scheherazade]

~

This thread is now closed due to repeated disregard for the Forum Rules and intolerance shown towards new members.


Rosana> If you would like to start another thread for your poem, please feel free to do so.

~