Yet Another By Volya

[Volya]

I put no planning or time into this, I just wrote it off the top of my head, which may explain it’s odd train of thought.

I can’t take it any more
The voices inside my head
A never ending roar
They keep screaming at my soul
Tearing out my eyes
Replaced by a void
You’re a rotting husk of despair
You seem like a hope
But I pierce the skin and the smell of diseased skin fills the air
I don’t give a **** anymore
I got nothing to lose
Not even my soul my heart the thoughts that fill my mind
I gave them to her and now they’re no longer mine
They say the only thing you own nowadays is your soul
But I sold mine to the devil a long time ago
I was promised the future I could never have
I got what I asked for but it isn’t what I thought
She gives me a smile and tells me she loves me
But in her eyes there’s nothing to see at all

[Charles Darnay]

There is some (potentially therapeutic) value in an angst rant - but its value is generally for the writer alone. Now I know I have no right to play censor with what should and should not be posted on these boards - but as a writer (of any kind) one of those fundamental "rules" is to know for whom and for what purpose you are writing. Clearly this "poem" is meant for you, not us, as can be determined from your preface: "I put no planning or time into this,"

[Volya]

It was rather angst-y...
But then again, pretty much everything I've posted on here in the past has been done with no planning or thought. If any moderators want to take this down it's fine by me :)

[Bar22do]

I've just read, in your footnote, you were barely 15, plus you liked to write. A courageous start here. As Charles has mentioned, your stream of thought addresses perhaps only yourself and has mainly therapeutic goals, but since you have shared it here, it means you're looking for an audience. Therefore, it would perhaps be a good idea you took this audience into account and worked on your raw material, read and re-read yourself before posting, made an artistic effort to make us enjoy art more than the broken illusions of the narrator... And also - as all say: do read poetry, fill yourself with it if you love it. It's one of the best ways to get throu to your own poetic self...

I'd sum up your poem as follows:

I sold my soul to a girl
before I saw her eyes were empty.
I bought a pig in a poke
and have to pay for it.

Good luck with your life and creativity Volya. Hope my two cents are not mean.

[Volya]

Poor summary :p
Thanks for the feedback though :)

[hillwalker]

It's good to scribble down your thoughts as they come to you - it exercises the writing muscle and clears out the garbage from your subconscious.

However, if you haven't taken the trouble to make it readable then it's not worth thirty seconds of my time to bother reading it.

H

[Volya]

It's good to scribble down your thoughts as they come to you - it exercises the writing muscle and clears out the garbage from your subconscious.

However, if you haven't taken the trouble to make it readable then it's not worth thirty seconds of my time to bother reading it.

H

It's perfectly readable. It just may come across as a bit teen-angsty.

[hillwalker]

It's readable but by your own admission it's not worthy of much consideration. By prologuing a poem the way you did here you're almost being disrespectful to your readers.

"I couldn't be bothered spending time making sure this is the best I can come up with - but I'm still going to post it for feedback."

h

[Delta40]

Another way of putting it is being spontaneous in order to see if his poetry is more effective when no thought is put into it and he would like feedback.

[hillwalker]

So that's perhaps what he should have said. :mad5:

It's like those who post the first chapter of their novel on here (2000 words they wrote on the back of an envelope ten minutes ago after getting back from school/work/the pub) and ask is it any good.

H

[Volya]

It is closer to what Delta said. This is probably the first thing I've ever written entirely spontaneously. In future if I write something similar to this, I will post the revised version as well so readers and I can compare the two. :)