Is this an interesting opening paragraph for a prison tale?

[miyako73]

Is this an interesting opening paragraph for a prison tale?

I

San Quentin is now a home. It is a human cage. I am not free. I can neither pray nor sing. Regrets have trifled my days and denials, harrowed my nights since I got in. Thoughts about my shadowy, rimy past have preoccupied my mind every moment inside the joint, where everyone is consumed by anything exhausting and troubled by anyone haunting him. I have lived a hazy life that has never been fully revealed. It has never been openly explained to me. It seems my existence has been a secret since my birth. The only thing people have always made known to me is that I am someone’s bastard son. Trying to know more about myself, trace back where I came from, and ponder what will become of me keeps my feeble vim going. The worn out birr left in me is not giving up. Though I was born a loser, I beg off to die the same.

[dark desire]

There are a few things that might evoke curiosity. However there is a lack of a powerful emotion for somebody who has gone to jail. This sounds more like your protagonist has got into a regular dead end job from which he cannot get out.

[hillwalker]

The first thing that struck me is that it's very telling (it begins with a list of statements) and not especially true to life - as if you have gained your experience of being incarcerated from watching old 'prison movies' of the 40's and 50's.

I am not free. seems to be stating the obvious in a rather fatuous way. What you should be trying to do is show the reader what this lack of freedom implies to your protagonist without reeling off a series of disconnected whines.

I can neither pray nor sing. is certainly not true since those are probably two of the few things one is still able to do within the confines of a prison cell. Unless you meant to write I am unable to pray nor sing in which case you need to explain why this is so.

Then the 'opening' wanders into new territory - the narrator is questioning his genealogical history. Already we have left the confines of the cell... so it's not the most effective way to convey incarceration. In fact it becomes tiresome very quickly.

There are also a few syntactical glitches - your choice of words is at times awkward:

how can regrets 'trifle' his days and denials?
- do you mean they play with time and his professions of innocence?
or 'harrow' his nights
- do you mean they make his nights distressing?
'trifling' and 'harrowing' are familiar words to most readers but they are rnot so often used as verbs in this context...

'rimy' past - a past covered in ice? or did you miss off a 'g'?

'vim' - a rather unusual word for vigour or ebullience - not something I would expect to find in someone newly imprisoned, and

'birr' - other than an unit of currency in Ethiopia I have never seen this word used to signify 'energy'.

You're either using a dictionary/thesaurus to come up with new ways of expressing simple things, paying no heed to how the reader will respond, or you're trying to appear more verbose.

My advice would be to simplify the language and try to put yourself inside the head of the prisoner in order to make the piece 'interesting'. At the moment 25% of this is incomprehensible and 50% rambling.

H

[miyako73]

Thanks, Hill. I used rimy because the story involves ice from his childhood in the street during winter to burying his victim in the icy lake. You are right with the thesaurus. I started writing this one five years ago. If the first paragraph is problematic, the succeeding ones must be too. That's enough a reason to discard this project.

[zoolane]

Thanks, Hill. I used rimy because the story involves ice from his childhood in the street during winter to burying his victim in the icy lake. You are right with the thesaurus. I started writing this one five years ago. If the first paragraph is problematic, the succeeding ones must be too. That's enough a reason to discard this project.

Save it for other day and trying again.

[Ronald who?]

I'd read it.