Revenge

[Amanw]

Ok so this is my first attempt at a story and I would appreciate some feedback


Revenge pt.1


The solemn hardened man sat hand cuffed to the chair in a questioning room he had been in this prison for a year now for a crime he didn't commit. They are saying he murdered his family and then burned the house to the ground but he knew that it was the government who had killed his loved ones and blamed it on him because they knew he had dirt on the president dirt that could cost obama his election so they knew they would have to keep him quite. The man Carter alan had been plotting his revenge the entire time he has been in this hell hole. Ready to stop anyone who got in his way.

He watched as the door slowly opened and the man in a suite walked in. Carter tensed ready to put his plan into action. As soon as the man got near the table Carter broke the chains of the handcuffs and grabbed the mans head and slammed it into the metal table. The man fell to the floor he didn't even have time to utter a scream. Carter grabbed the mans hand gun and made sure it was loaded before picking up the mans keys, walking to the heavy metal door and braced himself to finally be able to put his plan into action. Carter opened the door and looked down the hallway to his left and saw no one so he crept down it till he got to the next turn where he could hear two guards talking I snuck up behind one guard and grabbed him from behind using his body as a shield. Then I shot the other guard right between his eyes it was the first of many kills. Then I killed the man I was using as a shield ending his life by snapping his neck.

[hillwalker]

Ok so this is my first attempt at a story and I would appreciate some feedback.

First impressions - you tell us far too much in the opening sentence (which should in fact be two sentences). And you continue in the same vein in your second sentence (which also runs off like an express train without much in the way of punctuation). We don't get any sense of your main character's personality. There's no tension or excitement because you've already revealed most of the plot in one short paragraph. As for the escape sequence - it's lame.

Overall this was not particularly enjoyable to read because you've made no attempt to make the story interesting. The plot is nonsensical - description and scene setting is flimsy or non-existent - and the story is actually a list of things Carter did. It was a bit like watching someone play a shoot-em-up video game.

I'm sorry, but this lacks pretty much everything one would expect from a story. If you try reading one yourself you'll see how weak this is.

The solemn, hardened no need for these two adjectives - much better to give us his name man sat hand-cuffed to the chair in a questioning interrogation (?) room. He had been in this prison for a year now for a crime he didn't commit. They Who? are saying he murdered his family and then burned the house to the ground. But he knew that it was the government who had killed his loved ones and blamed it on him because they knew he had dirt on the president; dirt that could cost Obama his election. So they knew they would have to keep him quite quiet. The man, Carter Alan, had been plotting his revenge the entire time he has had been in this hell hole. Ready to stop anyone who got in his way.

He watched as the door slowly opened and the man in a suite suit walked in. Carter tensed ready to put his plan into action. As soon as the man got near the table Carter broke the chains of the handcuffs How? And why wait a whole year to do this if it's as simple as this? Totally unbelievable! and grabbed the man's head and slammed it into the metal table. The man fell to the floor. He didn't even have time to utter a scream. Carter grabbed the man's hand gun and made sure it was loaded before picking up the man's keys, walking to the heavy metal door and braced himself to finally be able to put his plan into action Now you're repeating yourself - look at sentence 2 of this paragraph. Carter opened the door and looked down the hallway to his left and saw no one so he crept down it till he got to the next turn where he could hear two guards talking. I I? Who's I? How did Carter suddenly become you? snuck up behind one guard and grabbed him from behind using his body as a shield. Then I shot the other guard right between his eyes. It was the first of many kills. Then I killed the man I was using as a shield ending his life by snapping his neck.

As you can see from my edits, as well as the plot being insubstantial your writing is a bit of a mess. The idea that you have a Part 2 in mind is depressing,

H

[Bonsai Ent]

The solemn hardened man sat hand cuffed to the chair in a questioning room he had been in this prison for a year now for a crime he didn't commit. They are saying he murdered his family and then burned the house to the ground but he knew that it was the government who had killed his loved ones and blamed it on him because they knew he had dirt on the president dirt that could cost obama his election so they knew they would have to keep him quite.

I think there's a lot of nuts-and-bolts work to be done here.
This opening paragraph seems to have only two sentences and yet is packed with detail. The words won't bear the weight, the sentences are bursting at the seams.
More full stops! Try and structure it so that your meaning is clear. Don't tell the reader things they don't need to know. You don't need to say he was 'sat' handcuffed to the chair. People are unlikely to assume he was standing up.
Also you don't need to specify that the room is for questioning... In fact that description was a bit confusing, it sounded like the room itself was questioning.

Honestly, 'a man is handcuffed in a room' would have worked better for me as an opening sentence.

[Cioran]

I suggest you read the opening of Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men, when Anton Chigurh escapes from his handcuffs and uses them to strangle the deputy who has detained him, to find out how such scenes are done.

The other plot point, that the man has "dirt" on Obama to prevent his re-election, sounds as if it were taken from the twisted fantasy lives of people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the addle-pated Birthers.