Broken Bridge

[Delta40]

Our jetty
Broken,
swept away
More jetsam
with each passing summer
The stumps
now riddled with barnacles
once held
boisterous laughter
that thud along
the thick grainy planks

Tide came in
tide went out
Another summer passed

My hair was cropped
Dollops of icecream
melted on the wood
Sharks constantly circled
the nearby abbatoir
Teens partied and
kissed
Driftwood smouldered
like a classical guitar
Under a full moon of
bodies strewn across the sand
box jellyfish washed up on the shore

Tide came in
tide went out
Another summer passed

So did you
and I watch the flotsam
of yesteryear get swallowed
in the tide
On the horizon
I am blind to the glare of tomorrow

[Hawkman]

Sorry Delta, but I kind of feel there’s rather a lot wrong with this one. Again, lack of punctuation is hindering the read. Your sole comma hardly compensates!

As written, your first stanza says the jetty swept away jetsam: “swept away as flotsam” or if you want to convey the conscious discarding of “baggage” then “swept away with jetsam” would make more sense. Stumps “riddled” with barnacles doesn’t really work either. Riddled means pierced and barnacles just sit on the surface. How can the stumps have ‘held’ laughter? I guess they could have ‘heard’ it.

S3: I have a problem with the sharks circling the abattoir too. Was it in the ocean?

However, I don’t actually think this is a bad poem. The bones of the emotion and atmosphere behind it are good and strong, but I feel you need to do some tidying up in the presentation. Maybe you could work on the way the many good images are presented to give them more flow. It could be worked up into something longer or trimmed back to make it punchier, but as it is it’s not really working. I really like the last two verses, which could work as a crisp little poem in their own right

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk.

[Jerrybaldy]

I liked it. Hell, it was on the coast and the tide kept coming in and out as we got older and less able. Hard to find something not to love in the whole thing (unless you love punctuation like a colon loves a semi :) )

[Delta40]

Thanks Jerry.

[Haunted]

Superb symbolism in the title that carried through the poem. It sounds choppy but probably intentional.




Hard to find something not to love in the whole thing (unless you love punctuation like a colon loves a semi :) )

like a colon loves a semi...that's a poem right there. I can't stand you Jer, you've gotten too good!