Heartbroken

[anisha9037]

Heartbroken

She sinks her head in his chest
And waits for him to understand
He does but yet he has to leave.
No, it is not a mediaeval romance
Where the knight leaves his lady
To brave the battles abroad.
He leaves her everyday,
To brave the battles of metro city.
Economy is important than love
And recession dreadful than separation.
Promises are no longer true
Words grow hollow by day.
This is the life they waited for
The wait is over and yet not over.
It gives them no promise
Of a future of marital bliss-
Who has time, neither she nor him.
They can not leave this all,
This is what keeps them together
And yet this is what keeps them apart.
Wilderness calls them but they can’t go
A duty keeps them here-
A duty to live in a society
Like a society and be a society
And who returns to primitiveness
From the life of an advanced world?
They silently tell each other,
For still they can communicate
Not with words but their eyes,
Things would soon improve
And the ever illusive time
Would be their companion.
The modern Orpheus and Eurydice
Do not know that second chances
Are seldom the share of lovers.
Eurydice is not a subject of Hades yet
But separation is no less
Than the gulfs of underworld
And Orpheus doesn’t repeat the mistake
Of looking back at his Eurydice
Before he has travelled the length
Of the long and dark Cavern.
Oh, how Eurydice wishes him
To turn back once and stop her retreat.
She pulls her head back
He takes a sigh and leaves.
He knows she understands.
She knows he understands.

[Bar22do]

I like your modern O and E and how you weave the thread into your subject. It's a sincere, ambitious poem. However, I'd suggest you tighten it somewhat and make it less telling and more showing. My two cents are inside your poem hereafter (in blue), but please keep in mind they are all subjective, so feel free to disregard.
- = lose;
+ = add.
I'd also give up capital letters at the beginning of every line and would rethink the title.

Enjoyed going through this poem, thank you for sharing it, anisha and ah - welcome on the Forum!!


Heartbroken

She sinks her head in his chest
And waits for him to understand
He does but yet he has to leave.

No, it is not a mediaeval romance
Where the knight leaves his lady
To brave the battles abroad.
He leaves her everyday,
To brave the battles of metro city.

Economy is (+ more) important than love
And recession dreadful ("is worse" rather than "dreadful" IMO) than separation.
Promises are no longer true
Words grow hollow by day.
This is (-the) life they waited for
The wait is over and yet not over. (IMO, lose this L)
It gives them no promise
Of a future of marital bliss-
Who has time, neither she nor him.
They can not leave this all, (L 14 thru 17, consider tightening)
This is what keeps them together
And yet this is what keeps them apart ("yet keeps them apart" would be sufficient, I guess).
Wilderness calls them but they can’t go
A duty keeps them here-
A duty to live in a society
Like a society and be a society ( 'A duty... be a society' you don't need these 3 L)
And who returns to primitiveness
From the life of an advanced world?
They silently tell each other, (lose this L)
(-For still) they can (+ still) communicate
Not with words but their eyes,
Things would soon improve
And (-the ever illusive) time
Would be their companion. (make these 2L into one)
(-The) modern Orpheus and Eurydice
Do not know that second chances
Are seldom the share of lovers.
Eurydice is not a subject of Hades yet
But separation is no less
Than the gulfs of underworld
And Orpheus doesn’t repeat the mistake
Of looking back at (-his) Eurydice
Before he has travelled the length
Of the long and dark Cavern.
Oh, how Eurydice wishes him
To turn back once and stop her retreat.
She pulls her head back
He takes a sigh and leaves.
He knows she understands.
She knows he understands. (lose the last two L)

[Jeos]

Hi Anisha,

The following lines are amongst the more poetic ones:
"-She pulls her head back
He takes a sigh and leaves.
He knows she understands.
She knows he understands."

The rest of the text fluctuates between fine prose and poetic prose. Try to play a little more with sentences and words.

Just my subjective 2 cents.