Haiku

[Volya]

Spilt drink on her lap
It spreads across the floor
And touches my foot

EDIT: It's not a haiku xD

[Alexander III]

I like the image, I don't know if this has been said, but considring you are 15 you are rather clever; at 15 I don't even think I had ever picked up a book to read volontarily, my thoughts were directed utterly elsewhere.

I do not like the first line, what is conveys is fine but the wording is off-putting, it is jarring in that it lacks that sytanctic and gramatical ease which flows through the rest of the peice.

[Volya]

Thanks :)

[miyako73]

This is good volya-somewhat sexual/sensual. I wonder though if you intentionally did 5-6-5 instead of 5-7-5.

[Volya]

I realized the second line didn't have seven syllables, but I didn't deliberately only put in 6, it was just how it ended up.

[Jassy Melson]

You should change the title. This is not a haiku. A haiku, like a sonnet, is a strict poetic form. It must contain exactly seventeen syllabels, three lines, and a scheme of 5-7-5. 5-6-5 is not acceptable as a haiku. Just as thirteen lines is not acceptable as a sonnet.

[Volya]

I'm well aware that the second line has only six syllables. Rather than fussing about technicalities, could you tell me whether you like it or not?

[Xillus_Xavier]

It's okay, but I can't decide exactly what's taking place here. Who is responsible for spilling the drink? Did the victim of the spill accidentally do it, or was it the other person? The poem takes on strikingly different meanings, depending on the answer.

If the speaker purposely spilled the drink then I suggest changing/adding a word to put emphasis on that fact. Maybe you can add "cold" to the second line, to get your syllable count to the required seven and to hint at the possible tense, cold/icy atmosphere of the situation.

Just my .02 on it.

[Jassy Melson]

I'm well aware that the second line has only six syllables. Rather than fussing about technicalities, could you tell me whether you like it or not?

I'm not fussing about technicalties. I'm simply telling you what a haiku is, because it's clear that you don't know.

[hillwalker]

There are so many aspiring poets who title their works 'haiku' when it's nothing of the sort. There is plenty of information available on-line explaining the form and content expected for a poem to conform to the term 'haiku'.

Syllable count is one thing - 5-7-5 - but also haiku are expected to juxtapose two ideas or images with a single pivotal word combining the pair, and there's meant to be a reference to the season...

So this isn't a haiku in any shape or form. You might as well title it 'Limerick' or 'Sonnet'.

As for liking it or not - well, you have encapsulated a moment in a very economical way that is in keeping with the inscrutability of Japanese verse so that's a promising start. And you provide us with a simple image that acts as a springboard to so many possible outcomes. So well done.

H

[Volya]

Ah ok, thanks for clarifying hillwalker, I thought they only needed the 5-7-5 format, I titled it as a haiku because that's what I thought I was writing xD
I'm not entirely sure how to change the title though :/