Home Stretch

[Delta40]

A cross ankled slouch
crammed in the rush.
He who will not be budged
or judged.

Gazing out of a window

A face buried in a kindle

From a seat grounded
in the moving earth
a baby's rattle
spurns the attitude of the old

No wheelchair access

No bicycles allowed

The weary crumble
like a stack of old bricks.

Pencil straight postures
when Walton's mountain
trumpets into view.

[Jeos]

"smooth" yet powerful like a rolling sphere.
Enjoyed reading it.

[Hawkman]

The first two stanzas aren't quite working, Delta. There is a confusion of tenses with what follows and it doesn't flow. A poem like this really needs punctuation. L3 of the last stanza isn't good: "postures bolt pencil striaght", actually says that postures are running away in a straight line. Drop the bolt. Try this:

"Cross ankled, slouched,
crammed in the rush,
He who will not be budged
or judged

gazes out of a window
opposite
a face buried in a kindle.

From a seat grounded
in the moving earth
a baby's rattle
spurns the attitude of the old.

No wheelchair access

No bicycles allowed

The weary crumble,
like a stack of old bricks,
postures pencil straight,
as Walton's mountain
trumpets into view."

Like this I think it's an excellent deptiction of that commuter moment. Great observation.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks for your feedback Hawk. I'm struggling to capture what I see with words and transform it.

[cacian]

I enjoyed reading this piece Delta.
Thank you.

[Bar22do]

This is ambitious and strong (and if it's strong, it means you convey well what you see...). Thank you Delta for your poème engagé!

[Delta40]

Thank you Bar. I'm still working on this one....