Grandpa's Barn (The Fall of Camelot)

[Xillus_Xavier]

Grandpa's Barn

Castle of cedar,
Camelot of my youth,
moans in the stiff morning breeze
of late September,

its facade crumbling,
grand hall bare; a tin-roofed
turret of fond memories
overtaken by undergrowth.

The royal courtyard
of a ten year old prince
is now a dusty corral;
the watchtower a mere hayloft.

And the livestock pens,
they're minus prisoners;
grandpa's bovine rapscallions
long pardoned to greener pastures.

But the brown feed pan
I once wore for a crown
still hangs on the tool shed door.
Heavy-hearted, I take it down.

The bulldozer starts.
The sound of its engine
frightens away the robins
nesting in the broken gables.

I, cracked crown in hand,
signal the driver;
gesture for him to proceed;
watch my kingdom fall.

[Hawkman]

I really like this poem, XX. It captures the mood and emotions of the moment, that sweeping away of the past and the memories it contained. Where it's lacking is in flow, particularly in the opening stanza. As written and punctuated the sense of what is being said is a little obscured by the syntax. Initially it reads like a list and the elements don't connect.

"This castle of cedar,
the Camelot of my youth,
moans in the stiff morning breeze
of late September,"

would be much more fluid, as the subordinate clause, "the camelot of my youth," now reads as one.

I would also make a slight adjustment to the closing lines. I'd dispense with the semicolon after proceed and start the last line with "and". So, not a lot wrong with this, I feel. A good, emotive piece of writing. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[Xillus_Xavier]

Thanks for the critique, Hawkman. Glad you like the poem. I'm trying to stick to a particular syllable rhythm, so making changes will be tricky. I may have to loosen up on the emphasis on the count in order to make things work.

Thanks for the advice.

[Xillus_Xavier]

There's something I'm curious about.
I'm not sure if I like having "Camelot" in the title and then again in the second line of S1.

How about I change the word in S1 to "dominion"? Does that work as well or does it kill the flow?

[Hawkman]

To be honest, if it bothers you, I think you should trim the title, it gives too much away. Grandpa's Barn is quite sufficient. Let it all come out of the poem. I like "Camelot of my youth", it's so expressive, anyone reading it can instantly relate.

Live and be well - H

[Xillus_Xavier]

Thanks Hawkman. I took your advice and made the suggested change. I also changed the last stanza, as it wasn't in rhythm with the rest of the poem.