A Song For a Prisoner of War

[_Shannon_]

A Song For a Prisoner of War

whose eyes break through the boundaries
where I begin and end.
I know you know the words
to the stories I cannot tell,
except in the dark, in whispers
when my soul is the only witness
to the brutality my hands possess.
Your shadows merge with mine
without a sound,
without a fanfare,
as like is swallowed up by like.


Down by the river, in the wet night grass
there is nothing worth bothering to hide
from those eyes that break through my boundaries,
because the specter of you
floats effortlessly through my past, my present.
Awkwardly with the manacles you drag around,
your hands grip me fiercely.
I am unafraid,
because I know that sound.
I am a furlough;
I am a fleeting moments' escape
before those chains bind you back down.

So, savagely, under fast moving clouds and stars
I pull you into me
to scream my silent warrior scream
into the deepest parts of you
to give you all of the courage I have learned
and all of the secrets of the damned,
so that they will be yours
if you ever decide to make a break for it.

9/23/2012

[Hawkman]

Hi Shannon,

I'd say this poem had a lot going for it. but it does have some little glitches.

S1 L2 drop of, the prepositon is both un ncecessary and confusing the sense of the sentence. L5 drop and, the conjunction isn't necessary and weakens the following line. use a comma instead. this creates more emphasis. L8: not sure about "your shadows merge" contextually, but it does read better than "your shadow merges". You might want to think about it. L10: rhetorically I'd include the indefinite article, "without a fanfare".

S2 L1: you don't need the comma which as written puts an un natural pause in the line. L2: I'd lose "even" again un necessary and over extends the line. L5: lose the second "my". L6: replace through with "with", the repetition of through so closely is noticeable and jarring. L8: "But" would be better here than "and". L9 should not end with a full stop. no punctuation is actually required here, but you could use a comma. L11 Not sure about this, the alliteration is rather forced and the sentence is cumbersome. I'd be inclined to drop the reference to freedom and use it at the end of the last verse, as "make a break for it" is really weak to close the poem with. "If you decide to break free." would be more in keeping with the tone of the rest of the poem. There is a similar problem with the last line of S2 in that it's kind of clunky. just too long-winded.

"a fleeting moments' escape
before those chains weigh you down."

would be my recommendation.

I've already highlighted what I consider to be the weakness of S3 and offered a solution.

It's a good poem though, Shannon, illustrating how the burden of incarceration weighs on the loved ones at home.

A Good read.

Live and be well - H

[_Shannon_]

Thank you so very, very much for your feedback! Will work with it! I so appreciate you taking the time.

It's not really about weighing on loved ones at home....it's about, well, I suppose I oughta ask if you want to know. But also there is value in it being about whatever the reader takes away!

[_Shannon_]

What do you think about "without any fanfare"??

[hillwalker]

Powerful stuff - and I'm surmising the 'war' is more on the domestic front than overseas.

The only quibble I have is that I can't figure out whether or not this is a message from one woman to another, telling her to be strong and passing on the poet's wisdom and courage. It probably needs several readings.

H

[Hawkman]

You're welcome :)

I'd go for the rhetorical device, the repetition of "without a" - rhetoric, in moderation, is a useful device. I think it fits here.

You might want to look at the punctuation of S3 L1: You could use some commas here...

"So, savagely, under fast moving clouds and stars," would be nice.

S2 L1: could be punctuated thus:

"Down by the river, in the wet night grass,"

which would pace it better.

Live and be well - H

[_Shannon_]

Powerful stuff - and I'm surmising the 'war' is more on the domestic front than overseas.

The only quibble I have is that I can't figure out whether or not this is a message from one woman to another, telling her to be strong and passing on the poet's wisdom and courage. It probably needs several readings.

H
It's a woman to a soldier,returned from the war, who feels too damaged to love her. There is a sexual relationship, but he feels essentially like a ghost, bound up in chains, and unable to offer her more-which he feels like she deserves. But she has her own dark places she's come from, so is both unafraid of his demons and also has the wisdom of her own experiences. It might be just a wee bit autobiographical....<innocent whistle>

Does that wretchedly awkward prose make it make any more sense whatsoever?

[Hawkman]

I can see where you're coming from with your exposition, but the title, coupled with the sense of separation/alienation tends to steer me away from this narrative. Legacy, rather than Prisoner might be better - just a thought.

Live and be well - H

[_Shannon_]

I can see where you're coming from with your exposition, but the title, coupled with the sense of separation/alienation tends to steer me away from this narrative. Legacy, rather than Prisoner might be better - just a thought.

Live and be well - H
I definitely understand that point of view, but it is very much about being a prisoner of the war...still...nearly 10 years later. Very, very much. I don't mind if the narrative one reads is not necessarily the one in my heart as I am writing. :) After all, "Emotion is all that endures" saith Ezra Pound!

[Jeos]

The only thing that spoils a little your poem is perhaps an excess of narration.
But this is just my little and so subjective viewpoint...