Hiding

[organizedchaos]

Wrap yourself around me, Baby
and hide me from him.
The tighter you squeeze,
the less likely my heart
will jump out of my throat
and onto the floor
in front of his feet again
out of place, bleeding.
Leaving my body to fend for itself
Turn my face towards yours, Sweetheart
and hold my head in place
for your gaze is my liberation
and only by locking my eyes in yours
do I escape the pain of looking for him.
Press yourself into me
and make me forget
about all those delicious daydreams
I once held so dearly
hovering in my thoughts
first thing when I woke up
and shutting my eyelids to bed
in the crisp hours of the evening,
where even in my dreams I swore I saw you every night.
Hurry, Darling
move quickly inside of me
become a part of me
and save me
from tearing myself to pieces
trying to reach someone else.

[organizedchaos]

I also made it rhyme..thoughts?

He hovers in my thoughts
first thing when I awake
and as I shut my eyes to sleep
my dreams are what he takes

Wrap yourself around me, Baby,
and squeeze me nice and tight
For your body is my hiding place
And to remain here I must fight

I know its hard, my Dear
but I'm asking you to squeeze
I'm trying to stop my bleeding heart
from landing at his feet

Turn my face towards yours, Sweetheart
and hold my head in place
for your gaze is my liberation
And your eyes are my escape.

Press your body into me, Hunny
and make me completely forget
about all those delicious daydreams
I had when we first met

Deeply move inside of me, Darling
Quickly undo your belt
save me from tearing myself to pieces
trying to be with someone else.

[E.A Rumfield]

I'm not a fan of all that honey baby darling baby honey darling sweetie stuff.

[hillwalker]

Neither are particularly good to be quite honest.

Is this supposed to be a lover asking her man to screw her to take her mind off someone else?

It sounds horribly clingy and needy... and the rhyme is so inconsistent in version 2 that it wasn't worth the effort.

H

[E.A Rumfield]

Neither are particularly good to be quite honest.

Is this supposed to be a lover asking her man to screw her to take her mind off someone else?

It sounds horribly clingy and needy... and the rhyme is so inconsistent in version 2 that it wasn't worth the effort.

H

Yes, very strange.

[Xillus_Xavier]

I'm sorry, but I must agree with the other critiques. In fact, the first edition reads more like a diary entry than poetry. It simply didn't make me feel anything.

[organizedchaos]

"Is this supposed to be a lover asking her man to screw her to take her mind off someone else?

It sounds horribly clingy and needy"

Yes to all of that. I wrote these both (especially the second) with the intention of it becoming a song.

I'm wondering if perhaps the tough feedback is a result of the fact that the content is cliche and overused.

[hallaig]

Second version might work as a song, neither version works as poetry and one of the main reasons is the one you identify. Love is not an over used cliche but the way you treat it here is. I always think people should read a bit of poetry before they write to see the different ways poets treat the theme of love. And I don't mean stuff that's difficult to understand. Why don't you read some Billy Collins and see how he creates longing and wistfulness out of the things stacked around him. And with humour, not all this terrible angst! I love Billy Collins, he's my favourite non-Scottish poet!

[hillwalker]

I'm wondering if perhaps the tough feedback is a result of the fact that the content is cliche and overused.

Bingo. :yawnb:

The first 'poem' isn't even a poem. It might pass as a song, with some tinkering here and there (Baby, Sweetheart and Darling are presumably necessary to express emotion in this kind of material since there's nothing else doing it). But the second 'poem' is a disaster area - Hunny? Really?

One must assume the writer is still very young, discovering lurve for the first time, in which case this kind of dreamy, slushy stuff might mean something to the person he/she has feelings for. But no one else is going to get anything positive from reading this.

H

[Hawkman]

I would have to agree with hill and hallaig on this one.

Live and be well - H

[organizedchaos]

I appreciate all of the feedback, thank you

[_Shannon_]

Well, poetically or even songwriting-wise this needs a lot of work...but, I like the idea of it. I can relate to the experience of having a crush or something for someone who is NOT the person with whom you are in a committed relationship. And those feelings of wanting the one with whom you are in the relationship to just overtake you and consume you to re-capture your rogue heart. I actually don't mind the darlings, and such- to me it feels conversational, and I kinda like it!

[Jeos]

Well, poetically or even songwriting-wise this needs a lot of work...but, I like the idea of it. I can relate to the experience of having a crush or something for someone who is NOT the person with whom you are in a committed relationship. And those feelings of wanting the one with whom you are in the relationship to just overtake you and consume you to re-capture your rogue heart. I actually don't mind the darlings, and such- to me it feels conversational, and I kinda like it!


Agree...halfway between coal and diamond can also be interesting/valuable.
I enjoyed more the rhymed version.