Could you dig this?

[E.A Rumfield]

Me and my friend recorded a little spoken word poetry. He's playing guitar and I'm speaking. My question is, if we got tighter could you dig this at a coffee house or a bar or some similar establishment?

http://soundcloud.com/playingthepianodrunk/my-heart-on-a-plate
http://soundcloud.com/playingthepianodrunk/the-plate-that-held-my-heart

I'd appreciate some honest criticism.

[Charles Darnay]

This isn't really spoken word poetry - unless you adopt a really literal view that any poetry read aloud is spoken. It's not that the poems are bad (there are some good stuff in there) but the music adds nothing and takes away from whatever is there. The pauses between stanzas in the second one make it boring.

Now, there have definitely been worse stuff in bars and coffee houses during open mic nights - so go for it I guess - but maybe get the guitar man drunk enough so he can't play.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

No. I'd leave after hearing about a minute of that. Is that you're voice, because it almost sounds like you're trying to make it sound extra gritty or something. Just being honest.

[E.A Rumfield]

This isn't really spoken word poetry - unless you adopt a really literal view that any poetry read aloud is spoken. It's not that the poems are bad (there are some good stuff in there) but the music adds nothing and takes away from whatever is there. The pauses between stanzas in the second one make it boring.

Now, there have definitely been worse stuff in bars and coffee houses during open mic nights - so go for it I guess - but maybe get the guitar man drunk enough so he can't play.

I was looking through the poems that's why there are such long breaks. I tried doing more stuff like you would imagine Kerouac or one of them doing but I couldn't improvise too much. If we did some stuff more like this with kind of like a question answer routine. I read a line guitar plays. Do you think that would work better?

That's pretty much my voice. I can't do anything about that.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

In all fairness, even if I thought he voice was of an angel, I couldn't really listen to spoken word poetry accompanied by a guitar (so I don't know if this would be good or bad--it all sounds bad to me). I can barely stand people reading their poetry in the first place. I'm sure this could work in some of the artsier coffee houses, but unless the bars in your area are vastly different than mine, it would definitely not work there.

[E.A Rumfield]

In all fairness, even if I thought he voice was of an angel, I couldn't really listen to spoken word poetry accompanied by a guitar (so I don't know if this would be good or bad--it all sounds bad to me). I can barely stand people reading their poetry in the first place. I'm sure this could work in some of the artsier coffee houses, but unless the bars in your area are vastly different than mine, it would definitely not work there.

This is what I want to do with my life so why not take the first step and this is an interesting direction to take. I play guitar decently but I can't play and read. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm more afraid to die saying I never tried.

http://soundcloud.com/playingthepianodrunk/hopeless-as-the-summer-leaves

I think this is interesting though I messed up reading it and I don't like the emotion I put into it. I've written poetry with this express purpose in mind and I was inspired by this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paZ_VJk7FD4

[Charles Darnay]

This was the one worst one you have done.

The problem is the discord between what you are doing and what you are trying to model. Pere begins with the concept (the intended emotion evoked) and then the music: the lyrics are secondary to everything.

Because you are coming from the point of view of a poet, your lyrics figure prominently in your work (why shouldn't they?) and thus, when you sacrifice them as you have done here, everything falls flat.