The Orals

[Sameer Telkar]

sitting on a workbench were three of us
only three of us and no more
answering our oral questions we sat
before our teacher who sat on the top roll
So heavy was her voice that
she looked like an autocrat
and turning to my friend she asked
what are morals?tell me that
Oh my poor inarticulate friend!
couldn't help but err,"ma'am er........"
what is right,what is wrong
and they were invented by Immanuel Kant
sighing with relief at me he smiled
as any average boy would overjoyed
me too smiled back and said
"They were not invented but formed"
into a grin his smile turned
and the glitter in his eyes reflected
the oversmartness of foolish men
and said-"she doesn't know better than I do"
did someone overhear that?
beaming and her eyes fizzling
with revenge sweet revenge
she asked to the same friend of mine
"invention and formation,whats difference between them?"
towards me he turned
but not with love this time
and exclaimed-"You Moron!look what you have done"

[E.A Rumfield]

Pretty good. You got some things to fix from here "as any average boy would overjoyed
me too smiled back and said" on.

[Sameer Telkar]

Thank You Rumfield.May I ask you to point those some things?

[hillwalker]

This needs a little more polishing - punctuation (speech marks) in particular - and I'm not convinced it's a poem. If you lumped all the lines together it might serve as a short essay, but there's nothing particularly poetical about it I'm afraid.

It's rather an uninteresting topic as well to anyone who wasn't there - describing a conversation held during an oral examination. To make things worse you spend 4 lines of the poem telling us that you and the teacher are sitting. Sitting?

You might also consider looking again at certain expressions:

- how her voice makes her look like an autocrat. It would make sense if her voice made her sound like an autocrat (though the term is a little harsh).

- 'me too smiled back' - should be 'I too...'

- 'into a grin his smile turned' - this is back to front writing - ['his smile turned into a grin'] - as is 'towards me he turned' ['he turned towards me']

H

[Sameer Telkar]

Thank you hillwalker.
Yes it was just a random moment.
And I will correct the grammatical errors.
But didn't the inversion make it more poetical?

[hillwalker]

No - inversion as you call it (twisting expressions back to front - like 'into the room the man did walk') is a terribly archaic form of writing. It's hardly ever seen in contemporary poems anyway. The fact that they were found in some poetry doesn't make what you write any more poetical. It's the same as if I reformat my feedback into the shape of a poem:


No - inversion as you call it
(Twisting expressions back to front
- Like 'into the room the man did walk')
Is a terribly archaic form of writing.
It's hardly ever seen in contemporary poems
Anyway. The fact that they were found in some
Poetry doesn't make what you write
Any more poetical.

It's still not a poem is it?

H

[Sameer Telkar]

Yeah I think unnecessary inversion is not necessary as you said.Thanks