My Double etcetera

[Bar22do]

After The Crop

Don't go: late summer's soughs
linger in the hoary olive groves
in Kidron Valley,
silvery leaves blacken fast
as the moon takes over.
Do you hear? Now the gate
to the oil press house creaks open.

In autumn I'll anoint you king.



(Jerusalem, sometime in 2010, I think)

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Bar. Thanks for joining in, would have been incomplete without you.

This is magical. I dont think I have read it before but it is now one of my favourites from your hand too.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Jerry. I love it too, I must confess... :blush5:

[cacian]

Beautiful indeed.

[zoolane]

I like it.

[Bar22do]

thank you cacian and zoolane!!!

[Jeos]

Thanks Jerry. I love it too, I must confess... :blush5:

It'S perhapS due to my mother tongue but you are much leSss explicit than usual...I'm saying this just because you hold very important to be (more) explicit in poetry ;-)

It has your footprint impossible to deny that but for me you aren't at your best (emotional impact, rhythm, etc) here, and you certainly will do better

All the best

[Scheherazade]

This is beautiful, Bar. Did not know what "sough" meant so had to look that up.

I love the image of silvery leaves turning black. Grew up in an olive-producing town so I know exactly what it looks like :)

Since the whole poem (apart from the last line) written in Simple Present, I am wondering if it would read better if the line "as the moon is taking over" to say "as the moon takes over".

An utterly trivial point. To me, "Now" breaks the rhythm somehow. "And" might read better... Not sure.

Also, the final line is so strong, so good that imposing a brief pause would make it stand out more maybe: "In autumn, I'll anoint you king." (a king? the king?)

Absolutely love this!

[Buh4Bee]

I also agree that is so lovely.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot for your generous comments Jeos, Scheherazade and Buh4Bee!
Scheh, in my initial version, I had "as the moon takes over". I don't remember who it was that told me to change; since it's so hard for me to judge language subtleties, at the end I always hesitate about what's right. But I'll follow your instinct re the tense. Re "now", I meant to give a hint to the time that had just passed, but I'll think of your suggestion.
I'm happy you love this one, it's one of those whose scene "came" almost ready and begged for words...
Jeos, sorry you didn't enjoy my poem, but thank you for reading it.
Buh4Bee, glad you felt you could join those who loved it!

[Buh4Bee]

I'm not sure what you mean by your comment Bar, but I'll reiterate that I do like the poem.

[Bar22do]

I'm not sure what you mean by your comment Bar, but I'll reiterate that I do like the poem.
I just said I was happy you liked the poem. Sorry if I didn't say it clearly... best to you and to all.

[Xillus_Xavier]

Very nice poem. Great imagery.

[Hawkman]

I always liked it.

[Scheherazade]

Scheh, in my initial version, I had "as the moon takes over". "As the moon takes over" sounds great to me :)

[Bar22do]

Xillus, Hawk, Scheh, thank you so much.

[Varenne Rodin]

I liked the usage of "hoary." I don't even know how to impart how much I liked this. A fricking lot.

[Bar22do]

Varenne, you are so kind. So glad you like it.

[Haunted]

Very enchanting, the sense of romance is so delicately done.

[_Shannon_]

Lawd...this is good. It's like something you want to hold in your hands, but when you reach for it is gone. I love it!

[Bar22do]

Thank you so much, Haunted and Shannon!