When to tell? Dealbreaker or not?

[qimissung]

Last night I was watching Royal Pains and in the episode a character, Divya, overheard a conversation that revealed that her boyfriend had a baby and a wife but he kept that information on the downlow so he could continue playing the field. He's a polo player, so he travels frequently and is often in contact with beautiful and presumably wealthy women.

When Divya confronted Raffa he admitted that he had a child, but with an ex-girlfriend, not a wife. Divya was not appeased. Frustrated, Raffa shouted back at her, "If I told every girl I slept with that I had a child..." and Divya then responded "So that's what I am, just someone else you slept with?" and stormed off. Her heart is broken, the relationship is over.

So while this all seems rather melodramatic, at it's root there are real issues here that people grapple with everyday. My questions are, should this really be a deal breaker for these two? It's hard to know the timeline here, but my impression is they've been dating only one or two months at most. He hasn't yet been introduced to her family. He was planning to tell her, he said. He was waiting to see how the relationship developed.

So when is the right time to tell someone important information that could affect the relationship? When has the right time slipped from "waiting" to "hiding"? What constitutes a deal breaker for you? Does anyone have any real life examples they've experienced or know of they feel comfortable sharing?

[cacian]

The best policy for anything especially relationship, I speak from experience, is to tell straight away. The longer you leave it the worst it gets.
This post ties up nicely with the film I watched last night,a book also, Jane Eyre.
On the day of her wedding Jane finds out about Rochester that he has a wife. I thought how harsh that must have for the both of them.
I could see that it was neither of their faults that they did not see that coming.
However I felt more sorry for Rochester especially because there he was, landed with an 'insane woman/wife'. I kind of do not like this part of the story because Jane refused to listen to what Rochester had to say. I felt it contrived and unrealistic. One would feel for Rochester but instead Jane did a runner.
She was not prepared to face the reality that sometimes in this very case alone, taking into account the time and the situation one would have thought that if she really had feelings for him she would have been more understanding.
This lets the story then in my opinion.
So back to the topic yes I think it urgent that ones comes clean from the start or the trust is breached and never recoverd fully.

[Delta40]

We all have a past and we all make mistakes. If we are upfront about them in a relationship then we can negotiate how to keep managing the past. Children from a previous relationship, bitter ex partners etc. If I'm not told about these things or my partner tries to exist in separate worlds and expects me to support him, then he is excluding me and being dishonest about us. That's the deal breaker.

On the other hand, if I'm just having fun with a guy, why the hell would I care?