Book of Fate

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I intended to add other themes, but first I wanted to know whether it is worth continuing it or not.


Book of Fate

Only executioners write the book of fate
And determine in what sword shall you be slain
Man lives, loves, strives and finally exposes
His throat to be cut, after licking his slayer’s hand
Or mending his knife and fixing his whip

In the book of fate, we are destined to live
As a slave, curses when is left alone
And sings before his master, yields and loves
Sensitizes his manners, and dehumanizes his ancestors
As a dog to be rubbed and cheered by his owner

Life passes and remains a blind future
And a bubble of hope with momentary soaring
Life is but a mirror that amuses and distracts
Or warns from the time’s harvest and fake beauty
Then we struggle to clean the mirror to change our washy faces

We made ourselves what we are
From an animal up to the mind and two feet
And backward to savage animals and even farther
Whence animals haunt when are hungry
But Man steals lives to decorate his few moments

Systems into systems run and institutionalize
Theories rise and ban tree-killing
They cut jungles to make papers and pens
To publish their theories and teach how to live
Love, submit and finally how to die

Respect Man, the only representative of God
And his life, for ‘tis no more than a boy’s love
A whore’s oath, king’s promise to change
Night to embrace the sun, then the only
Ultimate truth of book of fate is skepticism

[hillwalker]

Rather a pessimistic poem - implying we are all slaves to some evil entity who is employed by Fate.

There are some interesting images here but a lot of the time you are listing declarations like bullet-points in a Power Point presentation. It might read better if you varied the style.

I have taken the liberty of making a few minor alterations that might help this read more smoothly (mainly replacing certain underlined words or phrases that don't fit the context):

Only executioners write the book of fate
And determine in by or with what sword shall you be slain
Man lives, loves, strives and finally exposes
His throat to be cut, after licking his slayer’s hand
Or mending his knife and fixing his whip

An interesting line suggesting we are the architects of our own downfall - but 'kissing his slayer's hand / Or sharpening his knife and oiling his whip might work better??

In the book of fate, we are destined to live
As a slave,
You say we are destined to live in a certain way - then change the subject of the verse from 'we' to an unknown third person who curses and sings, etc. To maintain correct and consistent grammar perhaps you should change the opening line :

'In the book of fate man is destined to live
As a slave, curses when is he curses when left alone
And sings before his master, yields and loves
Sensitizes his manners, and dehumanizes his ancestors
...did you mean 'Refines his manners and forgets his ancestors? because the line doesn't really make sense...
As a dog to be rubbed stroked and cheered by his owner

Life passes and remains a blind an unseen future
And a bubble of hope with momentary momentarily soaring
Life is but a mirror that amuses and distracts
Or warns from the time’s harvest - don't understand what you mean here - of time's passage?? - and fake beauty
Then we struggle to clean the mirror to change our washy dirty? faces

We made ourselves what we are
From an animal up to the mind and two feet to the wise and upright man?
And backward back down to savage animals repetition here - perhaps creatures? and even farther
Whence animals haunt hunt when they are hungry
But Man steals lives to decorate adorn his few moments

This next verse is more of a rant attacking large institutions so I'm not sure what it has to do with man's surrender to fate. It's also rather muddled.

Systems into systems run and institutionalize
Theories rise and ban tree-killing
They cut jungles to make papers and pens
To publish their theories and teach how to live
Love, submit and finally how to die

then

Respect Man, the only representative of God
And his life, for ‘tis no more than a boy’s love
A whore’s oath, or a king’s promise to change
Night to embrace the sun

I'm not entirely sure what you mean here but it's quite enigmatic. Though the closing line doesn't seem to support the rest of your thesis.

then the only
Ultimate truth of book of fate is skepticism

You have written about how we are slaves to fate then in your last line you say it's probably not the case if I understand you correctly.

Not a bad effort but I think it begins to ramble by verses 3, 4 and 5 because you're expanding the themes of the poem to comment on far too many other aspects of Man that don't necessarily fit into the same poem. My advice, don't overload your poems with so many topics or arguments - concentrate on one and perhaps explore that more closely.

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Very nice and accurate points.
As for the first stanza, I intended to depict the fact that we help them to eradicate us; yet, it seems it does not work properly, since you could not understand it clearly.
As for the second part, you're right. Man normally forgets his real personality and acts randomly, without any consideration.
In the third one, in "time's harvest" I tried to present the idea of mortality.
"Washy" Doesn't it mean: having faded look?
In fact, I wanted to cover everything connected to this earthly life, individuals and universal systems, which all at the end are connected to a particular fate. Nevertheless, you're right, I must stick to one single theme so as not to be lost and confused.
Your comment is appreciated, Thank you

[Jeos]

You have already done better (from a contemporary poetry viewpoint).
In this text the way you deal with words and sentences is more akin to charming prose.
As for the "meaning" perhaps not only mankind is representative of God...?

P.S.- you might have your personal preferences but ultimately anything can be a poetic subject.

[hillwalker]

'washy' - there is no such word... perhaps you mean the phrase 'washed out'.

The problem with trying to cover 'everything connected to this earthly life' is that you could never succeed in a single poem. It would be unreadable surely.

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Thank you Jeos for the encouragement. By the way, do you suggest that I should change the mood of my subjects?

Thank you dear Hillwalker. This is a nice lesson. I should narrow down the subject of my coming texts, but I don't know why I've lost the rein while I was writing the text.

[hillwalker]

I don't know why I've lost the rein while I was writing the text.

It's called enthusiasm - don't let go of it!

H

[Sameer Telkar]

Overlooking puctuation and grammatical errors,this is good.
Why don't you start studying Wren And Martin?

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Then, I will stick to this enthusiasm Hillwalker. Thank you


Overlooking puctuation and grammatical errors,this is good.
Why don't you start studying Wren And Martin?

I'm afraid I'm not acquainted with these two guys.

[hillwalker]

Overlooking puctuation and grammatical errors,this is good.
Why don't you start studying Wren And Martin?

:nono:

If you want to learn how to write poetry this is the last book you should turn to. It was written in the 1930's and its value to the contemporary poet is as much use as a manual on riding a horse to the owner of a motor car.

It has its uses if you wish to master the finer elements of formal grammar and punctuation - but to appreciate poetry and how it works you have to read poems. As many as you can find, modern and classical. But don't try to copy writers who were alive 200 years ago. Use contemporary language wherever possible.

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

:nono:

If you want to learn how to write poetry this is the last book you should turn to. It was written in the 1930's and its value to the contemporary poet is as much use as a manual on riding a horse to the owner of a motor car.

It has its uses if you wish to master the finer elements of formal grammar and punctuation - but to appreciate poetry and how it works you have to read poems. As many as you can find, modern and classical. But don't try to copy writers who were alive 200 years ago. Use contemporary language wherever possible.

H

This is the best chance to ask you, what is your suggestion then? I mean, which contemporary poet is worth to be read?

[Jeos]

Thank you Jeos for the encouragement. By the way, do you suggest that I should change the mood of my subjects?

Thank you dear Hillwalker. This is a nice lesson. I should narrow down the subject of my coming texts, but I don't know why I've lost the rein while I was writing the text.

Some Modern & Contemporary Poets:

Maya Angelou, Tomas Transtrommer, Adunis, Fernando Pessoa, Dylan Thomas, T.S. Elliiot,S. Armitage,Sylvia Plath, Allen Ginsberg...

The most recent ones on this list are: Adunis and T. Transtrommer.

[hillwalker]

Dylan Thomas definitely, plus Ted Hughes, Simon Armitage, Don Paterson, Seamus Heaney, Adrian Henri, John Burnside, Paul Muldoon, Wendy Cope...
so many more if you go on-line and look
- some you will like, some you will not.

But if you don't read poetry how can you ever hope to write it?

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Thank you Jeos and Hillwalker for the suggestion.


Dylan Thomas definitely, plus Ted Hughes, Simon

But if you don't read poetry how can you ever hope to write it?

H

I do not read English poetry? My research paper was about symbolism in English novel and poetry, and I'm about to finish memorizing Browning's "The Last Ride Together". But the problem here (Iraq) is that no modern writer's publications are available here, but Eliot's. That's why I try to imitate the Victorians, for they are the closest to Modernism.

[hillwalker]

I do not read English poetry? My research paper was about symbolism in English novel and poetry, and I'm about to finish memorizing Browning's "The Last Ride Together". But the problem here (Iraq) is that no modern writer's publications are available here, but Eliot's. That's why I try to imitate the Victorians, for they are the closest to Modernism.

I wasn't suggesting you don't read poetry, but the way you write suggests you are immersed in the Classics. Copying their style inhibits your ability to express yourself in an accessible way to most contemporary English speakers and readers.

I'm not sure how much access you have to the internet but there are several sites that allow you to read (and in some cases download for free) poetry by those listed above.

Dylan Thomas, a particular favourite of mine, I believe has all his written works now available for free download.

H

[Sameer Telkar]

I suggested him Wren and Martin for his written English.Yes of course,one has to read lots of poetry to improve poetry but what effect will it have if one doesn't know how to punctuate correctly?

[hillwalker]

Punctuation acts like road signs. When you're driving they help you slow down or stop in the right places but don't necessarily make you a more skillful driver.

Writing poetry is not dependent on having a thorough grasp of punctuation - it's more about seeing the world from a fresh viewpoint and being able to express that to the reader most effectively.

H