I wandered Alone

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Criticism is appreciated.

I wandered Alone

God may present not better gifts
Touching sights of beyond paintings and imagination
Groves and rivers, breeze and majestic tranquility
Beside Euphrates, where Adam housed and Abraham
History, beauty, grandeur and Greek Elysium
How perfect were the sights and the sky, where embraces
The mighty spell of green orchards and Euphrates
And God said, let there be light
And there from naught rose Mesopotamia
***
The very cottages fell asleep amid
And still hearts of fallen mighty bodies
Among storm, fire and throne’s greed
A mother hugging her babe beside a palm
That never ceased to smile and patiently rise
And lovers holding hands, beneath the sky of bliss
Fallen with tears on cheeks that narrate the tale
Of eternal farewell, or may meet next to God
***
The tale of the smiling victim and crying executioner
Still survives upon the victim’s grave
Despite the executioner’s castles and lofty towers
***
Upon a child’s tomb I stepped and stopped
Heard a voice from that grave among other thousand graves
“My father wept that I leapt to my killer’s hands
Won’t I go to mom, in that blissful grave?
Struggling under his bloody sword, to fly to unknown
And now, hugging her in warmth, forever”
Alas! Born to have their heads off
My grief melts down but in my own heart
And weep in vain, for no mind can see my tears

[Sameer Telkar]

It was dark at points and gold at points.You may like to read Cry Of The Children by Elizabeth Browning.
Nice work.Can be better.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

You're right Sameer, but don't know exactly where the problem is. Little help from you and others may be so useful to me to modify the text.

[Sameer Telkar]

Perhaps you meant-"Touching MOMENTS of beyond paintings and imagination
Beside Euphrates, where Adam housed and Abraham
History, beauty, grandeur and Greek Elysium-Seems a bit muddled up.
And still hearts of fallen mighty bodies
Among storm, fire and throne’s greed-Looks incomplete
The tale of the smiling victim and crying executioner
Still RESIDES upon the victim’s grave
My father wept that I FELL FOR my killer’s hands
What does this mean-And now, hugging her in warmth, forever?Did you refer to the grave as she?

[Bar22do]

Criticism is appreciated.

I wandered Alone

God may present not better gifts (+ than)
Touching sights of beyond paintings and imagination (- lose this line)
Groves and rivers, (- breeze and) majestic tranquility
Beside ('by' instead of 'beside') Euphrates, where Adam housed (we actually do not know where Adam housed...) and Abraham
History, beauty, grandeur and Greek Elysium (- lose this line)
How perfect were the sights ( - and the sky, where embraces)
The mighty spell of green orchards ( - and Euphrates)
And God said, 'let there be light'
And there ('and lo' instead of 'and there') ( - 'from naught' you don't need it) rose Mesopotamia
***
The very cottages fell asleep amid
And still hearts of fallen mighty bodies
Among storm, fire and throne’s greed
A mother hugging her babe beside a palm
That never ceased to smile and patiently rise
And lovers holding hands, beneath the sky of bliss
Fallen with tears on cheeks that narrate the tale
Of eternal farewell, or may meet next to God (this whole part reads obscure)
***
The tale of the smiling victim and crying executioner
Still survives upon the victim’s grave
Despite the executioner’s castles and lofty towers (clear political words, well connected with the tale)
***
Upon a child’s tomb I stepped and stopped ('I stepped on a child's tomb, but there were so many' instead of your line, keep it simple!)
Heard a voice ( - 'from that grave among other thousand graves', + :)
“My father wept that I leapt to my killer’s hands
Won’t I go to mom, in that blissful grave?
Struggling under his bloody sword, to fly to unknown
And now, hugging her in warmth, forever”
Alas! Born to have their heads off
My grief melts down but in my own heart
And weep in vain, for no mind can see my tears." (pare this quotation of the dead child down to something clearer and thus more poignant)

Hey Iraqi, please look into the brackets for my remarks. + means to add, - to lose; once you do it, you may find an idea how to convey a better contrast between the pastoral life in the past of the region (if it has ever been...) and the desolation wars have brought...

As you know, I'm concerned with the area, I believe it an amazing part of our planet and what a pity it's blood permeated... Ah.

Hope I'm of some help here, best to you.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Thank you Sameer for the comment. Valuable points indeed.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

This is what I really need Bar22. Accordingly, it will definitely be better. I really appreciate your efforts. Thank you
By the way, once I've read in a commentary that the Garden of Eden was in that place. However, I may think about a way to change it.