A Reverie

[Bar22do]

edited:

A Reverie

Let's rest... Last strips of evening draw on,
white jasmine flowers sparkle in tangled foliage,
our wall in Einstein Square is still warm from the day.
Let's sit, fingers crossed, eyes shut,
and imagine -

the air, stirring with scents, spurs your life,
the diapason of your heart. At least for a few beats,
your halting steps align with my sure breath and
we don't walk home carving chromatic scales in the asphalt...

The night hardens behind the territory of the lamps -
but you dress your softest smile, my forearm touches yours
and keeping close perpetuates our realm -

regardless of the odds.




originally posted:

A Reverie

Last strips of evening draw on. Let us rest,
Einstein Square's wall is warm from the day,
jasmine flowers sparkle in foliage tangles.

Let us sit astride, fingers crossed, eyes shut, and imagine -

the air, astir with scents, spurs your homeostasis,
the diapason of your heart;
we don't walk home carving chromatic scales in the asphalt,
or summing up ciphers of a passing car's number plate;
and also - at least for a few beats,
your halting steps align with my sure breath.

The night hardens behind the territory of the lamps -
black, alien clusters rumble a hint of menace.
But my forearm touches yours
and keeping close perpetuates our realm -

regardless of what the odds are.


Jerusalem, September 16, 2012

[hillwalker]

Some memorable images here - love the phrase
'carving chromatic scales in the asphalt'

but I stumbled at line 2 - a bit of a difficult one to read out loud:
'... Square's wall is warm...' has a clumsy feel to it for me personally.

H

[hallaig]

Well, how lovely. Really like this, it has ambitious scope, and is my kind of poem. I'm a crap critic: I only see, in a poem I like, the changes I would make.
So I would



[QUOTE=Bar22do;1170589][COLOR="Navy"]Last strips of evening draw on. Let us rest,
Einstein Square's wall is warm from the day,

wee bit awkward, 'Einstein's Square's Wall', real mouthful. 'The wall in Einstein Square'?

jasmine flowers sparkle in foliage tangles.

Let us sit astride, fingers crossed, eyes shut, and imagine -

the air, astir with scents, spurs your homeostasis,
the diapason of your heart;

'astir'- wee bit archaic?

we don't walk home carving chromatic scales in the asphalt,
or summing up ciphers of a passing car's number plate;

not sure about 'summing up' ciphers

and also - at least for a few beats,
your halting steps align with my sure breath.

The night hardens behind the territory of the lamps -

What a brilliant line!

black, alien clusters rumble a hint of menace.

This is awkward too. Something simpler would do better

But my forearm touches yours
and keeping close perpetuates our realm -

regardless of what the odds are.

[Hawkman]

This isn’t bad, but the narrative flow isn’t working properly.

Take S1.

Evening drawing on, let us rest, the Square’s wall and jasmine flowers. As written, each of these elements is a discrete statement which doesn’t relate or flow to any other, so the punctuation is inappropriate. “Foliage tangles” to my ear sounds awkward, “tangled foliage” would be more natural. Also, “Einstein Square’s wall” is a bit of a mouthful and doesn’t read well. “The wall (by/in/at/near/around) Einstein Square” would be better here I think, in fact really there’s no real need to mention Einstein at all, “the wall (by/in near/etc.) the square” would read so much more fluidly. But I guess you feel it essential to the sense of place.

The single line S2, because of its position, coming as it does after the jasmine flowers, reads as though you are sitting astride the Jasmine flowers, not the wall. I’d also be inclined to keep the flowers and the scents contiguous.

From the second line of S3 this is pretty much there as it is, although L4 of this stanza isn’t brilliant. Not sure if “summing up” ciphers, is an appropriate term; “finding cyphers in the number plates of passing cars” would be better, perhaps. Makes it sound more like a game than a chore, anyway.

Edit: Yes that last line is a bit clumsy: "regardless of the odds" is sufficient.

Tizku leshanim rabbot

Live and be well - H

[cacian]

Bar22 I enjoyed this one very much.
Thank you.

[Jeos]

The technical, too much analytical comments on this poem aren't justified...I see only one "wrong" thing: last verse because it introduces a note of "good old couple" that gives me chills...for me a couple has to be (and stay) always "fresh" ! But pls do not give me a consultation on this...(laughs).

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your text.
By the way, you are so lucky that such elite critics comment on your text and present such beneficial feedback. Even I get use of them. Thank you all.

[Jeos]

Mojtaba you are absolutely right - I'm with you on that.

[Haunted]

Like a delicate flower... so much beauty in these words, and so fragile as life is, the uncertainty. Your work always evokes such a feeling of sorrow in me.

[hallaig]

Also wondered if so many techinical terms- chromatic scales, diapason, homeostasis- was a bit showy and obscure? Don't know about that, though- di it myself, but not in such numbers!

[zoolane]

One stanza is lovely pictures, 'Lets us rest' remind my kids went bedtime.

Rest of poem sort make think of someone first date and awkward situation and last stanza is first night spend together and not sure make first move.

I love the language that you use in the flow and sound great.


favourite lines are :jasmine flowers sparkle in foliage tangles.

Let us sit astride, fingers crossed, eyes shut, and imagine -

[Bar22do]

Thank you Hill, Hall, Hawk, cas, Jeos, Iraqi, Haunt and Zool for your comments and edits. Yes, I do consider myself lucky to get feedbacks from all of you, fine critics.
Hallaig, I had no idea homeostasis or chromatic scale read showy.... so sorry (but are three words out of one hundred and seventeen too many?).
I take walks, as time allows, with an old friend of mine. He suffers from a heart/kiney disease and every new day of his life is a miracle; he doesn't go out unless under supervision and I love walking with him; he's such rich personality, a poet and we've known each other for ages. We can speak mind to mind, almost.
I hoped I did convey these things in my poem about our walk, but I understand from your reactions I more failed than was successful... Haunted, I'm always so happy when your eyes detect the essence, notwithstanding the obstacles sometimes my words are (where they should be clues)...
Led by your various suggestions (especially Hill, Hallaig and Hawk), I'm editing my poem and you'll be able to read it corrected soon, hopefully it'll read better then.

Thank you all, grateful.

[Bar22do]

Hey again to you, here is my poem revised and edited (please see post 1). Do you like it any better?

Thank you so much again for your time and inspiring help.

Hawk, jasmine flowers in tangled foliage first strike with their 'light' (especially in the evening) and only when one approaches, does their scent invade one's nostrils, while the low wall of the square (it's often Einstein Square, in our neighbourhood) is pleasant to sit on because still warm (but I erased 'astride')...
Hall, 'astir' is not marked in the dictionary as archaic, but I trust you better than the dictionary!! and have tried another word.
Hill and others who found the cipher and cluster lines confusing, I got rid of them, anyway they're not essential.

Best to you all.

[zoolane]

I like edit poem better because lot clear language and make images in my mind eye lot easy picture . Well done.

[Hawkman]

This is much better, though as the first three lines basically comprise a list, I'd be inclined to add "and" at the beginning of L3. I never took issue with the images, merely the way in which they were presented.

I'm not keen on "spry" as you've used it in this context. I find it hard to imagine an "agile" scent. Spry is a word one uses to describe someone, who, though advanced in years, is still active. eg. "spry for his age." Personally, I didn't have a problem with "astir."

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

hmmm... when scented with jasmine, the air seems to be healing... 'graced', perhaps?

[Hawkman]

There's nothing wrong with "graced", though I felt that astir or stirring, would be more in keeping with the way night and evening air wafts scent around.

[Bar22do]

Thanks again, Hawk.

[hallaig]

edited:

A Reverie

Let's rest... Last strips of evening draw on,
white jasmine flowers sparkle in tangled foliage,
our wall in Einstein Square is still warm from the day.
Let's sit, fingers crossed, eyes shut,
and imagine -

the air, stirring with scents, spurs your life,
the diapason of your heart. At least for a few beats,
your halting steps align with my sure breath and
we don't walk home carving chromatic scales in the asphalt...

The night hardens behind the territory of the lamps -
but you dress your softest smile, my forearm touches yours
and keeping close perpetuates our realm -

regardless of the odds.


'stirring with scents, spurs your life' bit too clumsy. 'The air stirring with scent spurs the dapason of your heart'?
Don't know if 'steps' can align with 'breath' 'align with mine'?
I liked the additional rumbles after the territory of the lamps, brought in wee threatening note, just didn't like the way you said it first time.
Don't 'dress your softest smile' what's wrong with just 'you smile, my arm touches yours'.

[Haunted]

Haunted, I'm always so happy when your eyes detect the essence, notwithstanding the obstacles sometimes my words are (where they should be clues)...

And I'm always so happy when I got it right. I think you and I share some kind of parallel experience and our ears can hear each other. One thing that is true though, it is that the language you use to express yourself is lucid and you choose your words extremely well, words that convey to me what you wanted to say. You have exactly the right clues.

I actually prefer the original. I like it that it begins with "Last strips of evening draw on." The word "Last" sets the whole tone of the poem. It was the first clue for me.

The shortening to "let's" and "regardless of the odds" works well. But don't lose "ciphers of a passing car's number plate", it's just nice. It's stuff like this that makes the piece poignant. Things in the background, casual, non consequential, to mask a more solemn undercurrent. The next two lines:

at least for a few beats,
your halting steps align with my sure breath.

are GREAT. I can feel the labored walking, they tell the story. I like it where you spaced it out, like those extra breaks in the poem, the various stanzas, it feels like someone trying to catch his breath before he can walk another few steps.

I didn't get to read what others wrote, I know the revise is a response to that. But I just wanted to tell you how words and treatment used in the original had taken me so surely and directly to what you tried to say in your heart.

[Bar22do]

In the care of your kind suggestions, Hallaig, and of your deep understanding, Haunted, I feel I'm safe.
Thanks for your revisiting this effort... (on which I'll work further, of course).

Be all well!