Outside/Inside

[Jerrybaldy]

Fake people rush past
in hoodies under skeletal umbrellas,
passing aromas of 'Midnight Musk'
and 'Come here and take me',
polished shoes aquaplane puddles,
glass buildings cool their heads in the sky.
Burgers fry on hotplates in the cold,
a dog on a lead is dressed in tartan,
the man in the cardboard box
has vomited from his nose.
The traffic rushes still,
commuters walk on by,
a celebrity smiles from a hoarding.
The end of the world is nigh,
screams the liver spotted virgin.
A boy follows man to urinals,
capitalists sell shares,
a man with a backpack looks suspicious,
a builder cuts a yolk
and leaks it on his chin.
I wish I had just climbed the steps
to the top of the big, big slide;
I wish my mother would open up
and let me back inside.

[zoolane]

Hmm vague lines but like the idea of being born again.

[Jerrybaldy]

thank you zoo, I had hoped the main body of the poem was recognisable though.

[zoolane]

Fake people rush past,
in hoodies under skeletal umbrellas,
passing aromas of 'Midnight Musk',
and 'Come here and take me',
polished shoes, aquaplane puddles,
glass buildings cool their heads in the sky,
burgers fry, on hotplates in the cold,
a dog on a lead is dressed in tartan,
the man in the cardboard box,
has vomited from his nose.
The traffic rushes still,
commuters walk on by,
a celebrity smiles from a hoarding.
The end of the world is nigh,
says the woman, virginal,
with liver spots.
A boy follows man to urinals,
capitalists sell shares,
a man with a backpack looks suspicious,
a builder cuts a yolk
and leaks it on his chin.
I wish I had just climbed the steps
to the top of the big, big slide,
I wish my mother would part her lips
and let me back inside.

Their bit of every thing from from world we live in. I am rusty on here these days.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thats a pretty good summary zoo, you aint so rusty, :D

[paradoxical]

Very well done. A good look at city life and I liked some of the contradictory elements (hate to use the word paradoxical since it's my username and all).

I thought the main body of the poem was recognizable. Not too sure what to think of the last two lines because I'm kinda squeamish about that sort of thing but "I wish I had just climbed the steps to the top of the big, big slide" was really good.

[AuntShecky]

Bear with me, Jerry. The computer is going berserk again, and my back hurts like hell.

This is a well-observed catalogue, not unlike one of your earlier poems about the interior of a diner. It was like a verbal snapshot, as is this one.

My only criticism is that you shouldn't sprinkle commas in there like salt and pepper. Most of the time their use is appropriate, as separating items in a series. I suggest that you delete the commas in:

line 1
line 3

also, no comma between "fry" and "on hotplates"

You have a comma splice in which the noun is inappropriately separated from the verb:
the man in the cardboard box has vomited(No comma between "box" and "has vomited.")

In the third to the last line, instead of a comma after "splice," use a semi-colon or a period (full-stop.)

Okay?

[Hawkman]

This is another good one JB, but I'm with Auntie on the punctuation. Too many commas and not enough full stops. The barrage of imagery rounded off with with the desire to be a child again, or better yet, not to have been born, works very well. It's a townie's lament though. The narrator needs a break in the countryside :D

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you paradoxical, glad you enjoyed. I have tonede down the close, by the way. :)

Thank you Auntie for your punctuation. I did write it and then punctuate it and made a right hash of it! I have changed all you suggested and clipped a few lines too.

Thank you Hawk for your kind comment. A break by the sea for me though :D

[Haunted]

Seeing the world through the colored glasses of Jerry once again, and that familiar I-wish-I-was-never-born moment.


passing aromas of 'Midnight Musk'
and 'Come here and take me'


the man in the cardboard box
has vomited from his nose.


Great lines!